Sin-Oh, I Don't Want To Read About That

I'm reading a book entitled " The Courage to be Protestant" by David Wells. I don't really like the title, because it really is about the courage to be Christian, not just those of us who have the title of being protestant. But that is the title nonetheless. It has to do with the "post-modern" world in which we live and to some degree the "emerging church" movement today. Now I know that just quoting from a book and not presenting personal thoughts and opinions might not be very interesting to many people, but this is just too good. Also, there are readers of this blog who may not believe in God and/or Jesus the Christ. I hope you will still read on.

God is grace and mercy. That is absolutely true and thankfully he is. But in our conversations and discussions on grace and mercy, we so often forget that he is also justice and judgment and that it is "sin" in the world that murdered Jesus the Christ, God's Son, on the cross. It was for "sin" in the world that Jesus the Christ came to earth and died. His sacrifice alone was an act of grace and mercy, because sin separates the world from God. Jesus the Christ's death and resurrection gives us the opportunity to be restored to God one person at a time.

Our belief in and acceptance of Jesus the Christ's sacrifice for us and our repentance of our sin, restores each believing person to God. Through Jesus the Christ's death and resurrection, God no longer holds believers' sin against us. For the believer this is a one time event, saved and restored for eternity. This is all about salvation. But sadly, even after we believe it, accept it and repent of our sin, we still commit sins. It takes a lifetime for the Spirit of God to transform our old habits and desires that prevent us from being more like God, to being those of God. For the believer this is all about transformation, not salvation. It is a journey of struggle and delight all mixed together.

I want to quote here from "The Courage to be Protestant" and let you just take it in. In the chapter entitled "God" there is a sub-section on sin. I believe it is the best explanation of sin I have ever read. Open your heart and mind. Have the courage to examine yourself and I'm positive the Spirit of God will speak to you. The quote starts in the next paragraph and continues to the end of this post.

David Wells says: "Sin, biblically speaking, is not only the absence of good. It also entails our active opposition to God. It is, then, the defiance of his authority, the rejection of his truth, the challenge to his sovereignty in which we set ourselves up in life to live the way we want to live. It is the way we wrench ourselves free from obedience to him, cut ourselves off from his grasp, and refuse to let him be God. It is therefore all the ways we live life on our own terms, to our own ends, with accountability to no one but ourselves.

Sin is described as missing the target (Romans 3:9; 7:5), falling short of a standard, or transgressing boundaries (Romans 2:23; 5:20; Galatians 3:19). [For those who do not know, these references are in the Bible.] However, the target missed, the path abandoned, the authority defied, the law transgressed are in each and every case God's. Sin is all about taking issue with God, defying him, refusing to submit to him, and displacing him from the center of existence. We are now disaffected with his rule, resent his claims on our lives, are hostile to his truth in the biblical Word, and are determined to pursue our own values, goals, and pleasures in defiance of what he has said.

At the heart of this sin that holds us captive is pride. The essence of pride is finding in the self what in fact can be found only in God.

We imagine that within ourselves we have power enough, wisdom enough, and strength enough to live in security, in the fullness of happiness, as we want to live, amidst all the conflicts and opportunities of life. Very finite preoccupations are therefore substituted for those that are eternal, and we then confidently take the place God once had. We therefore, redefine reality...This is the "autonomous self."

...once the self has established itself at the center of reality, its own judgments, no matter how flawed, are seen as ultimate and unchallengeable.

"There are professors who have left faculty meetings more enlightened by what they said than by what they heard!" (Cornelius Plantinga, from Not the Way It's Supposed to Be)

This same pride lies beneath so many other sins like indifference to others, injustice, and the many ways, some cruel and brutal, in which we live as if no one else counted for anything.

...sin is what has dissolved the center that holds all of life together, robbing it of its meaning.

...the orientation of our nature from birth, leads us inexorably to replace God with our own selves, to substitute our interests for his, and to redefine life around its new substitute center in ourselves." [End Quote]

Shape Your Worries Into Prayers

This came from my prayer journal I wrote on Monday, June 9, 2008.

Father, my spirit is troubled this morning. Troubled about not hearing from a company that, after several intense interviews, told me they wanted to retain me as a contracted consultant. Most troubling to me is that I don't have any word from You on what else is out there for me for an income. Last evening I read in The Outlook [Southeast Christian's newspaper] about reducing stress and anxiety and to stop worrying. Philippians 4:6 was given as a reference.

The Message says:

"Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life."

Father, there are several observation I made here:

1) Both fretting and worrying and praying take action. What Paul is saying is replace our negative action with positive action.
2) Fretting and worrying are both inward-self-directed just staying inside myself. Praying is reaching out, breaking out of myself, God directed.
3) Worries are "what ifs." Paul says to "shape" our worries into prayers. He doesn't deny we have issues. He also says "let petitions and praise shape our worries." We should take those issues for which we are concerned, and rightly so, and while we are talking to You, Father, form those worries. In other words, acknowledge them and keep on talking to You. Get out of myself, stop trying to figure things out, going round and round in my head. Through the words spoken to You form the worries into, and intertwined with, my requests of You and praising You. Where is the focus? Right on You. Not on me or my issues. There's more here, I believe, than I see right now. But I do see that this image of shaping my worries through and by petitions and praise is very important.
4) I have to talk to You about my concerns. Paul says "...letting God know your concerns." And it is done through my talking to You with my petitions and praise.
5) I will get a direct response inside my spirit, mind and heart. It will happen quickly. There will be no announcing. I will just experience it, and it will be real! There will be "peace." The Message says "...a sense of God's wholeness." All under Your control. Not just focused on one issue in my life and the world around me. You touch all. You take a holistic approach to my life. You don't trade one for another. You direct and work on my whole life and how it fits into and impacts all those around me. With that kind of leading and nurturing, I can rest assured and be at peace.
6) Not that I am to just "stop worrying." That will not do it. Paul says I replace worry with Christ. Christ displaces. Really, that's different. For You see I was thinking, that I had to put Christ in my life instead of worry. But really what is said is: While I am petitioning and praising You Father, Christ Himself will move in and displace the worry. I need to focus on praising, letting You know my concerns. Focus on my relationship with You, Father, and Christ will do the rest. I'm not responsible for putting Christ in my mind instead of worry. He will do that. Also, its important to understand that Paul lays it out as to Where and What position this worry has in my life. Who should be there instead of worry. And how quickly the Who, Christ, moves in, wanting to be there, fighting to be there. The "center" of my life.

Thank you Father for this Word from You.

I also happened upon Acts 27 as I was turning to Philippians 4:6 and stopped to read it. There, I became aware and named Paul's experience in the shipwreck as a metaphor of life. It was encouraging to read it. It helped me see life for what it is. Stay the course. Listen. Throw off those things that will weigh us down. Life will shipwreck us, but we will reach shore (heaven), without a scratch. Thank You, Father!

Deliriously Joyful

It's a great morning. I read seven of the Psalms of David this morning and was reminded of just how much I have for which to celebrate. Not just celebrate privately inside of me, but jump up and down, dance and sing, raise my hands kind of celebrate. I am keenly aware of just how much God has changed my innermost being and made me a new man. How He saved me, disciplined me, built my life from the ground up. When I was used and abandoned, my Father was there. It has taken years of healing, teaching, failures and successes, but He was always there. Today, today I am His and I am here. I stand tall because of Him. I lift my face to the sky because of Him. Without Him I'd be in the pit of hell with Satan. But my Father would not let up. He kept at me. I am so thankful I had the good sense to always reach out to Him. I don't know why. I truly don't. Why did I continue to do that and not others? It is a mystery to me. But I don't care. I did it and He blessed. There was a lot in the Psalms I read this morning that spoke to me, but I'm reminded of one particular one right now: "...He gets angry once in a while, but across a lifetime there is only love. The nights of crying your eyes out give way to days of laughter", Psalm 30:4.

Do We Need Plan B?

Most of us are programmed to create Plan B in our lives. If one thing doesn't work out, then always have another to go to, then another, and then another..... It feels secure and gives the appearance of practicality, being smart and thoughtful. But with God, Plan B often times gets in His way. He doesn't want us to have Plan B. He is Plan A and that's it. Trust him.

I'm really good at Plan B and so forth. I've prided myself in it. But I've also learned in my life that God is not pleased with me at all when I do this. Awhile back this was impressed on me during a particular time in my life.

I had left my company and was trying to figure out what I was going to do with my life. It was a difficult time for me. Financially, I was fearful of what was ahead. I had never been without employment before. The "security" of a regular paycheck with inherent "benefits" had always been there. Life was different and I wasn't sure how to handle it. I not only had my own issues to be concerned with, but also the pressure of how my wife was feeling and what she was going through weighed on me.

God was working on me. And what He wanted to get through to me was beginning to take effect. I knew this in numerous ways, but one really stood out. For the first time in a long time, I was very sensitive and open to God. My heart was softer. I could hear the Spirit. I could sense God's presence. I wasn't consumed with the pressures of the workplace and focusing on me all the time and what I could achieve.

This came to light one morning as I was reading through the Bible. I was in the great room in my "reading corner." It was about 8:30 in the morning. My wife had left for work and the house was very quiet. The windows and doors were open and I could hear the birds singing. It was overcast and humid, but pleasant in the coolness of the morning.

I was reading I Kings 19-20 about God's ordeal with Ahab and Ben Haddad. There were several attempts where God reached out to Ahab to work through him and give him victory, at seemingly overwhelming odds, and to show him that He is God. But Ahab didn't get it. I was reminded of how God did that in my life. And just like Ahab, so often I didn't get it.

The previous evening, my wife and I were sitting in the den and she asked if I had considered contacting recruiters to find me a job in case the one I was counting on didn't pan out. She said we needed Plan B. My response was no, because we didn't need Plan B. I believed that God was going to lead us to where He wanted and I was trusting that this new company was going to come through. This was not an easy topic for us. We were at different points in our lives then, and discussion of this was difficult.

So, when I read the passages in I Kings the next morning, I was reminded of our discussion the previous evening. My stand on not needing Plan B sounded silly to me the next morning. It sounded impractical. It sounded like I was procrastinating and not being wise. But something told me to trust in God, my Father. I believed this particular job I was pursuing was brought to me by God. I believed it would happen. I mean, God had already demonstrated I was on the right path by steering me away from investing myself and money in an internet marketing opportunity. That happened in an almost miraculous way for me. And now God was speaking to me through His Word in I Kings. This was confirmation to me. Do I have moments of fear and doubt? Absolutely! I had just read where Elijah did as well. But God was constantly with Elijah and Elijah just kept on going. God accomplished what He wanted to do because Elijah submitted, believed and trusted Him.

In my reading that morning in I Kings 20:13-15 the Bible told about the issue with Ahab. It said: "Just then a lone prophet approached Ahab king of Israel and said, 'God's word: Have you taken a good look at this mob? Well, look again--I'm turning it over to you this very day. And you'll know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that I am God.' Ahab said, 'Really? And who is going to make this happen?' God said, 'The young commandos of the regional chiefs. 'And who', said Ahab, 'will strike the first blow?' God said, 'You.' Ahab looked over the commandos of the regional chiefs; he counted 232. Then he assessed the available troops--7,000.'" The next sentence begins "At noon they set out..."

So, what struck me was that God told Ahab that He would give him victory, over great odds, and why He was doing it. But Ahab, unlike Elijah, began to question God and wanted to know how and what assurances he had. Ahab was relying on what the world's ways would be. He turned to assess his Plan B, the numbers of soldiers he had and their capabilities. God had already told Ahab that He was going to do it and why.

That is why I didn't believe I needed Plan B. God had shown me He was going to do it. But, if this one job I was counting on and believed that God had put in my path didn't come about, He would bring something else. Maybe, just maybe, He didn't plan on me continuing in the path I had always followed. Maybe, just maybe, He had different plans for me. Trust in God and believe. That is what I was learning. I didn't want to be like Ahab. I wanted to be like Elijah, even with all his warts, doubts, and human weaknesses. So, on that morning I told God that I was waiting.

A few months earlier, I had gotten away to Cumberland Falls by myself and stayed in a cabin in the woods. I was completely alone. I had my Bible, a Christian perspective book I was reading and a fiction novel. I spent four days reading, talking to God, writing in my journal and just focusing on God. And God spent those four days ripping me apart and talking to me. It was an incredible experience. Since then, I had become convinced that it had been a God ordained event. This had been evident to me in several ways. This came to mind that morning when I was reading. I believed that if I had not gone to Cumberland Falls, spent four days with God, had "Don't be afraid!" pressed firmly into my heart and mind, I would never had been prepared to walk out of the internet marketing meeting and say no, which brought me to where I was that morning. Give up the known for the unknown. I was convinced of it.

God, my Father did this. He changed me. He transformed me. He grew me. He made me a new man. I was overwhelmed with what was going on in my life.

Praise You Father, the God of all! Ruler of all! My Father!

Thoughts on Elijah

A couple of summers ago it was a very intense time for me. So many things were up in the air and I didn't see any resolution to any of them, except in my very limited vision of what God could do. In my reading through the Bible I was in 1 Kings and the story of Elijah really caught my attention. As I continued reading, my thoughts focused on what Elijah might have been thinking and going through with God. I certainly was going through things with God. So, I began writing what the thoughts of Elijah might have been.

Now I understand that Elijah might have never had these thoughts. But you know he was human just like you and me and these just might have been going through his mind. It certainly helped me to see God's work in people when we really don't have a clue as to what He is doing and yet we are absolutely, directly the recipient of His workings.

Please read on and maybe God will speak to you where you are right now.

(What are written in italics are direct quotes from The Message passages in 1 Kings 16-18. My thoughts are indicated by RLO. What might have been Elijah's and the Widow's are indicated by ELIJAH and WIDOW.)

RLO: Father, I am overwhelmed and overjoyed this morning. I awoke very early and started to think about the impending end of the money I had set aside to live on. My emotions and fear began to follow. But Your Spirit spoke to me and reminded me "Don't be afraid. Don't be afraid." And I wasn't. The feelings of anxiety and fear left. I got up and started my reading in Your Word. I read 1 Kings 16-18. You spoke to me so greatly through this passage. It was about Elijah and his life at the beginning of his ministry with You. I'm going to try and tell here what You said to me.

We don't know what Elijah's life was like before he came on the scene in the Bible. But the environment and society in which he lived was horrible. Ahab, who was king at the time, was exceedingly evil and all of the population of Israel was affected in some way. So I can assume Elijah was really struggling trying to stay obedient to God and he knew of Ahab's ways and the kind of person he really was. In addition Ahab was greatly influenced by his wife Jezebel, who was also extremely evil and powerful. The Bible says:

"Ahab son of Omri did even more open evil before God than anyone yet--a new champion in evil!...It was under Ahab's rule that Hiel of Bethel...ritually sacrificed his first-born son...and his youngest son...That is exactly what Joshua son of Nun said would happen."

It was in this kind of environment and conditions in which Elijah lived. Life must have been very difficult and the world was against all that Elijah believed in. Going on the Bible says:

"And then this happened: Elijah the Tishbite...confronted Ahab; "As surely as God lives..."

God had had enough. So he sent Elijah to confront Ahab. I wonder what Elijah thought. "You want me to do what?" And then again, maybe he didn't wonder this. Maybe Elijah was desperate for God and just did it. Whichever way it was, the effect it had on Ahab was not pretty.

"God then told Elijah, "Get out of here, and fast...hide out...you can drink fresh water from the brook; I've ordered the ravens to feed you. Elijah obeyed God's orders."

Now I don't know how Elijah felt or what he thought, but what came to my mind was that he might have felt something like this:

ELIJAH: "OK, life was not perfect and goodness knows I'm not perfect, but all of a sudden my life has turned upside down. Not only are You asking me God to give up everything and do something completely crazy, like tell this evil king bad news, even when everyone around me would say I'm nuts, but I have to give up my home, all I've ever known, my family, and now I'm on the run for my life. Fear? I think I have something to be afraid of! Questions? Yeah! I have lots of questions. You'll take care of me? Come on! Be fed by ravens? But, I'm going to trust You with everything! I'll do as You say." Then the Bible goes on to say:

"And sure enough, ravens brought him his meals, both breakfast and supper, and he drank from the brook."

ELIJAH: "OK, so You did that Father. I see. But I still don't know why me, or why I'm doing this. So what? I do know that because of what You told me to tell Ahab I'm going to suffer greatly. Why do I deserve this? I've been faithful to You against all kinds of odds, persecutions, bad situations, powerful influences, why?" Then Father, Your Word says:

"Eventually the brook dried up because of the drought. Then God spoke to him: Get up and go...and live there. I've instructed a woman who lives there, a widow, to feed you."

ELIJAH: "Oh great, I'm sitting here in this wilderness alone, by a brook being fed by ravens. While it might not be ideal, I at least have food and water. But I see little by little each day the water starting to dry up and I start worrying. What's going to happen when it's gone? How long are the ravens going to keep this up? I've been out here a long time. Where are You God? What's going to happen to me? I did what You said and now look. I'm lonely. The water's drying up and I'm going to die, for what? Nothing has really changed. The world is still evil. But I hear You. You told me to get up and go. Won't that be dangerous? Ahab is still trying to kill me. That hasn't changed. Maybe if I stay here, I can outlast the drought. Why can't You use Your power to just keep the water flowing for me, even during the drought. You can do that! Why do I have to go? And You say You've spoken to a widow to feed me? What if it turns out just like this, good for a while, but then I'm in trouble again. How do I know You talked to a widow? Who is she anyway? How will I find her? I'm putting my life into this unknown person. She doesn't know me. At least I know what I have here. You've done what You said, but even with that, now the water's drying up." But the Bible says:

"So he got up and went."

RLO: I guess I have to trust and obey just like that. Elijah did. What he did was against what might be considered realistic, pragmatic or conventional wisdom. So when he got to his destination, I think Elijah would have expected this widow to be wealthy enough and be hospitable to welcome him, because God had already given her the word. But no, that's not what happened at all. The Bible says that when Elijah asked for a little jug of water because he was thirsty and something to eat, her response was:

"I swear, as surely as God lives, I don't have so much as a biscuit...you found me scratching together just enough firewood to make a last meal for my son and me. After we eat it, we'll die."

ELIJAH: "What? I thought You said "I've instructed a woman who lives there, a widow to feed you." Do I have the wrong widow? I've got to take control and look for the one You talked to. Why couldn't You have told me which widow it was? You could have been a little more specific in Your directions on how to find her. Now what do I do? I'm hungry, thirsty and really, really tired. This is ridiculous. Why can't You make things easier? This not worth it. Where is all this going? Why am I doing this? And after leaving a place where I was safe. You protected me. I had water and food. I trusted You and traveled all this way. Now I have nothing. You let me down and I don't know where to turn except for me to start making my own decisions."

RLO: But Elijah didn't think like that. Instead it didn't matter if this widow was the "right one." He depended on God's power instead. It wasn't the situation or the way Elijah thought God would work things out. No, but he trusted God and went on. Elijah said to the widow:

"Don't worry about a thing. Go ahead and do what you've said. But first make a small biscuit for me and bring it back here...This is the word of the God of Israel: "The jar of flour will not run out and the bottle of oil will not become empty before God sends rain on the land and ends this drought.""

RLO: Elijah didn't ask for a huge meal. He was obviously hungry. But he just asked for a little bit. God provided. But Elijah also showed his love and compassion for the widow and the son, when he could so easily thought only of himself, his predicament, thwarted expectations, disappointment and fear of the future. He still didn't know what God was doing with him, where he was going and why. He just knew and obeyed one-step-at-a-time and each step wasn't always pretty.

The story goes on in the Bible, but the emphasis now shifts to the widow. So she did what Elijah told her to do. For some reason she trusted him (and God) and does what is not the "smart" thing to do. She takes from the almost nothing she has, that her son's life and her life depends on. After this she knew there is no more. She already knows that starvation is imminent and this little flour and oil she has and even the little bit of firewood left will prolong life just a little while longer, and that "little while" is very precious to her. But in spite of all this and her fear, the Bible says:

"She went right off and did it, did just as Elijah asked."

RLO: That Father, is amazing to me. It's one thing to endure the hardships and potential ruin when it's only just you. But when one's decisions have potential dire impact on those you love, that is scary and amazing. There is a point at which those who are dependent on you weighs so heavy you think you can't make the decision. It's an awesome responsibility. But this poor, poor widow did it, trusted and knew that her decision about this crazy, unlikely promise would happen. The Bible says:

"And it turned out as he said--daily food for her and her family. The jar of meal didn't run out and the bottle of oil didn't become empty. God's promise fulfilled to the letter...exactly as Elijah had delivered it."

WIDOW: "Hallelujah! I was right to trust God. I'm now set. No matter what goes on around me, no matter how long this drought lasts, I'm going to be faithful to God and I will be fine. I'm telling everyone what God did for me and how he blessed me. All is well and God is pleased with my decision."

RLO: But wait. That's not what happened at all. The Bible says:

"Later on the woman's son became sick. The sickness took a turn for the worse and he stopped breathing."

WIDOW: "How could You God? I wish You had just let us die when I expected it. Why did You build me up? Put me on the joyful road of answered prayers? Bless me? Put my fears behind me? I gave You all the credit and glory. I was set, trusting You and being a great witness for You. And now You take my son away! I knew I couldn't trust You! Life is awful and always will be. I can't take any more."

RLO: The Bible says:

"The woman said to Elijah, "Why did you even show up here in the first place--a holy man barging in, exposing my sins, and killing my son?"

Elijah then immediately turned to God. He also questioned what God was doing. His faith was in crisis. He didn't understand at all! The Bible says:

"Then he prayed. "Oh, God, my God, why have you brought this terrible thing on this widow who has opened her home to me? Why have you killed her son?"

I think about my own son and him almost dying.Why oh God did You do this? Why did You take him right to the jaws of death physically? Why did You potentially kill my dreams and expectations for him? Why? The Bible continues:

"Three times he [Elijah] stretched himself out full length on the boy, praying with all his might, "God, my God, put breath back into this boy's body!" God listened to Elijah's prayer and put breath back into his body--he was alive!"

You did this for me too Father. My son is alive! Why? I don't have all the answers. But I can see how my family has changed. Oh what pain and disappointment we had to go through and still do. But it is clear You are at work. It is overwhelming for me to be aware of all the intricacies and repercussions in so many lives, with mine maybe experiencing the most powerful and evident change, and it isn't over yet. The Bible then says about the widowed mother:

"The woman said to Elijah, "I see it all now...when God speaks it is a true Word!"

So why did this happen Father? We can only see backward. We can't see forward. We only know the now! And between what You've done in the past, and knowing only the now, we trust You and rely on You for our future. Who knows? Only You. Elijah's doubts, questions, faith crisis, why? Well maybe You were preparing him for going up against Ahab and the Baal prophets. He saw the power You have, bringing the dead to life. He could rely on that. But he didn't know that at that time. Feeding him by ravens was great. But it would take more than that to convince him to trust You to overcome the prophets of Baal and to do something completely stupid in burning up the offering and alter with water poured over it. It took seeing You raise the dead through him.

There's one more event that pertains so much to me. We move into the story of Ahab and Obadiah. After the events of Elijah and the widow, the Bible says:

"A long time passed. Then God's word came to Elijah."

What happened during that "long time"? We don't know. But somehow I think that Elijah needed time to take all this in and deepen in his relationship to You God. This event, raising of the dead boy through Elijah, had been so very powerful, and You got Elijah's attention. But only You God knew what was facing him in the future. You knew how You wanted to use Elijah and there was a lot more to teach him, to grow and deepen him, so You took the time You needed with him. No hurry. You're in control. Elijah may have thought it was wasted time and impatient. He may have thought: "Man, I'm ready to go now! I just saw God raise the dead, better than anything else I've seen so far, and he did it through me! I'm ready to go. God I'm ready! I'm pumped! Let's go do whatever You want." But God wasn't ready--he pulled back and spent time with Elijah privately. Elijah may have really been frustrated and disappointed, but God was in control and knew best.

After a long time had passed, the Bible says:

"Then God's word came to Elijah. "Go and present yourself to Ahab"...Elijah set out to present himself to Ahab."

Only now was Elijah ready for the next assignment. He had to overcome fear, doubt and most importantly himself!

Then the story shifts to Elijah's servant. After Elijah humiliated and demoralized the prophets of Baal, the Bible says he [Elijah] climbed to the top of Mt. Carmel. There he:

"...bowed deeply in prayer, his face between his knees."

He was spent physically, emotionally and spiritually. The drought was going to end. The prophets of Baal had been destroyed. Elijah was struck down before God. And he prayed fervently. He told his young servant:

"On your feet now! Look toward the sea."

But the servant reported back that he saw nothing. Elijah told him to keep looking. And then the young servant saw something. Elijah was still praying. The Bible says:

"And sure enough, "Oh yes, a cloud! But very small, no bigger than some one's hand rising out of the sea."

How like You Father. To be a whisper, after all of the huge demonstrations of Your power. How like You in Your answers to our prayers, just a small cloud out in the distance. No big response. Can I see it? Do I trust it? Just out of reach, but its there! Then the Bible says Elijah told the young servant:

"Quickly then, on your way. Tell Ahab. Saddle up and get down from the mountain before the rain stops you!"

Elijah trusted. He knew. This horrible, huge drought that covered thousands of miles was over. He trusted. He knew this small cloud off in the distance was his answer from God. He knew that even though the cloud was small, it would grow into a huge water producing, drenching rain. He believed it so much that he knew it would prohibit travel and he wanted Ahab to know even before it started raining. Oh God, how unlike me. I'd want to wait and see if it were the real thing and truly an answer to my prayer before I trusted and surely before I would tell anyone. But not Elijah. He believed and he trusted You completely before it actually started raining huge buckets of water that "would develop" from this small cloud off in the distance. The Bible says:

"Things happened fast. The sky grew black with wind-driven clouds, and then a huge cloudburst of rain..."

The Bible also says:

"God strengthened Elijah mightily. Pulling up his robe and tying it around his waist, Elijah ran in front of Ahab's chariot until he reached Jezreel."

Even with all Elijah had done and he was physically, emotionally and maybe spiritually spent, You still gave Elijah the strength to run in front of the horses. Oh Father my God! How wonderful You are.

God's in Control in Seemingly Unrelated Events

Do you ever just wonder about events in your life and how they come together into one seamless stream of occurrences? I do. I am amazed at how God works to bring things about; how many people are involved; how many situations; and no one knows what's going on and what the other events and people are doing. But somehow they come together and produce an event in a person's life, but no one knows how. And at the same time there are other billions, trillions, gazillion other so-called unrelated events going on at the same time that will come together at just the right time and place to accomplish what God wants to do in one occurrence. Just blows my mind.

I'm reading in 2 Kings right now and there is a situation going on where this is evident. It is in chapters 6 and 7 and involves Elisha the prophet, Ben-Hadad (king of Aram), the king of Israel, and an attendant on whom the king of Israel leaned for support.

We read that the king of Aram had laid siege on Samaria. [king did this for totally different purposes than what eventually transpired] "...This brought on a terrible famine...One day the king of Israel was walking along the city wall [Didn't know a woman was going to tell him what was going on in her life]. A woman cried out, "help! Your majesty!"[She didn't know the king was going to walk on the roof at just that time]...The king said "Tell me your story."...She said, " This woman came to me and said, 'Give up your son and we'll have him for today's supper; tomorrow we'll eat my son.' So we cooked my son and ate him. The next day I told her, 'Your turn--bring your son so we can have him for supper.' But she had hidden her son away." When the king heard the woman's story he ripped apart his robe...."God do his worst to me--and more--if Elisha son of Shaphat still has a head on his shoulders at this day's end."...Elisha was sitting at home, the elders sitting with him [Didn't know what had transpired with the king of Israel and the woman]. The king had already dispatched the executioner...While [Elisha] was giving instructions, the king showed up, accusing, "This trouble is directly from God! And what's next: I'm fed up with God!" [Oh,oh, now the plot thickens. It's not really smart to say these things, but haven't we all a time or two?]

"Elisha said, "Listen! God's word! The famine's over. This time tomorrow food will be plentiful...The attendant on whom the king leaned for support said to the Holy Man. "You expect us to believe that? Trapdoors opening in the sky and food tumbling out?" [He doesn't know God, does he? But again, haven't we all questioned God before and will in the future?]

"You'll watch it with your own eyes," he said, "but you will not eat so much as a mouthful!" [Did Elisha know how this would occur? We aren't told that he did.]

"It happened that four lepers were sitting just outside the city gate. [Apparently oblivious to what had just occurred with Elisha, king of Israel and his attendant.] They said to one another, "What are we doing sitting here at death's door?...let's take our chances in the camp of Aram...If they receive us we'll live, if they kill us we'll die. We've got nothing to lose."...When they got to the edge of the cam, surprise! Not a man in the camp! [God] had made the army of Aram hear the sound of horses and a might army on the march. Panicked, they ran [totally unrelated to all that was going on with the king of Israel, Elisha, the attendant, and the four lepers, but God was orchestrating all of it]...These four lepers entered the camp...Finally they said to one another, "We shouldn't be doing this! This is a day of good news and we're making it into a private party!...Let's go tell the news to the king's [Israel's] palace." [The lepers had no idea what this would do to the people in creating a mob.]

"The people then looted the camp of Aram. Food prices dropped overnight...God's word to the letter! The king ordered his attendant, the one he leaned on for support, to be in charge of the city gate. [Had no idea what was about to happen] The people, turned into a mob, poured through the gate, trampling him to death. It was exactly what the Holy Man [Elisha] had said when the king had come to him."

"Every word of the Holy Man to the king--"A handful of meal for a sheckel, two handfuls of grain for a shekel this time tomorrow in the gate of Samaria," with the attendant's sarcastic reply to the Holy Man, "You expect us to believe that? Trapdoors opening in the sky and food tumbling out?" followed by the response, "You'll watch it with your own eyes, but you won't eat so much as a mouthful"--proved true. The final stroke came when the people trampled the man to death at the city gate."

Appears to be totally unrelated instances, but God knew!!! If we could just remember, rely on, and trust that God is at work all the time. And some time it will involve us. We just don't have any idea.

One of my favorite passages that shows God's provision and how much he takes care of me is earlier in chapter 6 verses 14-17. It says: "Then he dispatched horses and chariots, an impressive fighting force. They came by night and surrounded the city. Early in the morning a servant of the Holy Man [Elisha] got up and went out. Surprise! Horses and chariots surrounding the city! The young man exclaimed, "Oh, master! What shall we do?" He said, "Don't worry about it--there are more on our side than on their side." Then Elisha prayed, "O God, open his eyes and let him see." The eyes of the young man were opened and he saw. A wonder! The whole mountainside full of horses and chariots of fire surrounding Elisha!"

Lord, please help me to remember this and trust you completely!!!!

Blown Away By God's Direct Answer

I had been toying with an idea of setting up my own web site to gather leads for selling individual health insurance. I had attended a couple of meetings and seminars for a company that would assist me in doing so. It all sounded very promising and I really liked their approach, their service and their product. The big seminar came up and I went. Now, I wasn't naive about what they were going to do. Get me in there with the other three hundred or so people, spend the day selling me, and then asking me to sign up. I knew that. But I really liked what I saw and believed this might be an opportunity to be in control of getting my leads myself and really growing this business. What actually happened was nothing I had planned on.

Yesterday Father, I received clear direction from you. I attended the seminar for internet selling. This was the third session I had attended. This is a program that really has great potential. I spend all day there and was sold on how it could assist us in getting income with the promise of great revenue. I had to buy the one time license and all the support, etc. that day for six thousand dollars. Huge amount of money, but would have been an investment. My wife and I talked several times over the phone during the day and we were still on target to do it. As I sat in that session late in the afternoon, I prayed to you and asked for clear direction, an answer as to whether we should do it or not. You gave it to me. Immediately, this feeling came over me, this was NOT the right thing to do. I thought about the consulting job that came out of the blue, my wife told me yesterday that she really hated making insurance calls, and I admitted I did too. She was also fearful she wouldn't be able to practice her nursing any more, if we went with this. We had been honest and confronted each other maturely. I realized that what it would require was just not me. I'm not a salesman. I'm an academic. I love to figure out how processes can work better. With no promise of any other income, but a very clear answer from you, I walked out and away. I have peace. Satan is trying to put a wedge between us by playing up the doubt issue and fear that all may not turn out the way I want. I still did the right thing. It was clearly an answer from you, Father. Thank you!

Even If I Don't Get What I Ask, I Will Be Faithful

I awoke early this morning around 4:30 a.m. and dozed off and on. I hate it when I start thinking negative thoughts and get fearful and anxious. I told myself over and over again as I lie there with these more intense negative thoughts going over and over in my head, that God is with me and will take care of us. I had lapsed back into a self-destructive way of thinking and I hate it when that happens.

Father, I just read in 1 Kings about Solomon and the wealth and glorious temple and palace he built. And about how he prayed in front of all Israel on his knees with hands raised dedicating it all to you. And then your response which said, "All I want from you is obedience, worship and devotion and also from Israel. If you do it, I'll continue to bless. If you don't I'll destroy all you built and scatter Israel." What a reminder that our, my, accomplishments and things I dedicate to you mean nothing if you don't have my heart and obedience. Father, you know I need income. There seems to be an opportunity with this consulting company. I have nothing else going. I see the large expenses keep coming in and our savings going down faster than I'd like. You know all this. I don't know the end or what we'll do in a few months. I only know you promised to take care of us. I see in your Word how you blessed the faithful with more than they had asked or hoped. I see people always having what they need when they need it. So maybe that's it. I have what I need right now. [Satan just tempted me by saying to me, yes, but God didn't provide that, you did.] Putting me in the lead and control. I don't want that Father. I know where the source is. That is you. When I call the recruiter today, I ask you that she'll have good news for me. More importantly, I ask that I'd be obedient to you and be faithful in my service to you. Please Father, take care of us. But like the football coach in the movie "Facing the Giants," but even if I don't get what I ask, I will be faithful. The joy of the Lord is my strength. I sent my son a letter yesterday with my journal writings. I ask that his heart would be tender and he will receive it in the right spirit. Please bless it Father and speak to him through the words.

Father, I love you. And I grow to love you more each day. Even when I go through hard times, I love you. I want to be obedient to your ways. To serve you faithfully with all my heart. Trusting you in all I am and do. Today Father, let it be full of love and joy. Rich in meaning. Pour myself into you and into others. Not be selfish and self-centered. Trusting you for everything. Don't be afraid. This seems to be my plague right now. Fear. And that does not come from you. Perfect love, your love, drives out fear, as I'm told in your Word. Dress me in your perfect love. That is all I see and know and feel.

I Have to Have A God-Listening Heart

I'm back in May of 2008 again and resuming my telling of the journey I have been on for the past couple of years. What was nagging in my gut was the impending future of running out of the money I had set aside to live on and not knowing what was going to happen when it did. I had been talking to a company about becoming a consultant for them and everything looked so good. Interviews had gone extremely well. I had even flown to Denver to interview with some executives and gotten word that they wanted me to join their organization. All looked good. That had actually occurred in March, but so far only talk. Looking back on it now, I can see that God had something totally different in store. But then, not a clue. There was only me and an unsure future. So back to May:

I am alone here in the house. It is early. The house is quiet. My wife had just left for work. I started reading The Books of Kings in the Bible this morning. King David has died and Solomon, his son, is the new king. Eugene Peterson says in his introduction:

"...the Hebrew demand of God to have a king was about the worst thing they could have asked for...In the midst of the incredible mess those kings are making of God's purposes, God continues to work his purposes...The rule is worked from within, much of the time invisible and unnoticed, but always patiently and resolutely there."

You are not hindered and thwarted in accomplishing what you want God. I cannot stop you with my disobedience and poor choices in my life, nor anyone in the world. Man is nothing. They think they are with all their intelligence and wealth. But we are nothing. Your desires, your way, what you want will be accomplished no matter what. When you asked Solomon what he wanted and you would give it to him, his request was:

"...here I am God, my God, you have made me, your servant, ruler of the kingdom...I'm too young for this, a mere child!...And here I am, set down in the middle...Here's what I want: Give me a God-listening heart...For who on their own is capable...?"

And your response was such pleasure with Solomon's request. You promised him what he asked plus all the wealth and power he didn't ask for. Then you said:

"...if you stay on course, keeping your eye on the life-map and the God-signs as your father David did, I'll also give you a long life."

Father, I don't pretend to be Solomon, but I see where the desire of my heart must first be a "God-listening heart." Abiding in you no matter what goes on around me or where it leads. Humbly seeking to do what you want. Listening to your Spirit as you guide me. All in my life will be an opportunity for learning and growth as I surrender myself to your use and will. Whatever that may be, wherever it leads, my first desire. In the beginning of The Book of Kings it says "Solomon loved God." I love you Father. I awoke this morning with a phrase going over in my head "Strength will rise as we wait upon the lord. We will wait upon the Lord, wait upon the Lord." You're telling me to trust you and wait for you to lead, work, show me, work out your will. And while that is going on, I will have strength growing from inside. I will become stronger for anything you want me to be and do. I want a "God-listening heart."

Cruciform Love in the Here and Now

I just finished reading a book entitled "Broken Down House" by Paul Tripp. In this book there is a chapter on determining to love as Christ modeled. At the end of this chapter Tripp talks about how we as Christians must love with a "cross-shaped love." He gives in very functional and practical terms what it means to be committed to being an instrument of "cross-shaped love." They are too good and, oh my, so indicting that I can't help but share them. As you read, examine your heart and life. I did, and I am ashamed and shocked at how far short I fall from what God wants of me in my love. Here they are:

It means not keeping yourself so busy with you and yours that you have no practical time to love others.

It means being committed to knowing people, because you can minister only in very limited ways to those whom you do not know.

It means being willing to have your life complicated by the needs and struggles of others.

It means being willing to share your physical resources with others.

It means being willing to live with an open home.

It means being perseverant and patient even when the love you give is not returned.

It means actively looking for places where you can function as one of God's tools of love

It means resisting the temptation to be judgmental, self-righteous, and critical.

It means overlooking minor offenses and fighting the temptation to become bitter or cynical.

It means making life decisions out of a recognition of this inescapable call to love.

It means being lovingly and humbly honest in moments of misunderstanding more committed to reconciliation than to being right.

It means admitting that you are still learning to love as you have been loved.

It means being willing to own up to your sin and admit your faults.

It means not judging the success of your life by the size of your house or bank account, or by the quality of your car, but by the quality of your love for God and others.

It means regularly examining the motivations, desires, and thoughts of your heart in the mirror of God's Word.

It means moving beyond simply surrounding yourself with people whom you find comfortable and likeable.

It means being a student of God's Word, a joyful participant in the means of grace, and a committed participant in the fellowship of the body of Christ, so that the love you offer others may be increasingly pure and mature.

It means being willing to be misunderstood, mistreated, and misrepresented for the sake of incarnating Christ's love.

It means overcoming evil with good.

It means not letting race, social class, gender, age, or ethnicity get in the way of a biblical call to Christlike love.

It means being willing to have your schedule and plans interrupted or altered.

It means paying attention to the physical, emotional, and spiritual needs of the people God puts in your path, and looking for ways to help them bear these burdens.

It means believing that God will not call you to a task without giving you what you need to accomplish it.

It means being willing to get up earlier and stay up later.

It means learning the details about someone's struggle so that you can love wisely, while at the same time guarding the reputation of the person you are loving.

It means weeping with the one who weeps and rejoicing with the one who rejoices.

It means being willing to endure tense and uncomfortable situations lovingly.

It means not allowing yourself plausible excuses that seemingly free you from love's call.

It means making a commitment to being a faithful friend.

It means being willing to take on big things, even as you humbly admit your limits.

It means keeping your promises and being faithful to your word.

It means being open to correction, loving criticism, and godly rebuke.

It means believing in the body of Christ and recognizing that you are but one of the tools in God's big toolbox of redemption.

It means being open to counsel and receptive to advice.

It means being willing to go to bed tired and to awake to another day of calling.

It means hiding God's Word in your heart and keeping his Kingdom always before your eyes.

It means refusing to become anyone's substitute messiah, but instead to point people to the presence and grace of Jesus.

It really does mean looking out not only for your own interests, but also for the interests of others.

It means building relationships, not just for the purpose of being relationally comfortable, but so that those relationships would be a workroom for redemption.

It means loving people in such a way that they never feel like they are in debt to you.

It means remembering that you are more like than unlike the people you are called to love.

It means understanding that the call to love is a call to both word and deed.

It means daily remembering Jesus, being in awe of the gift of his love, and living thankfully.

Open the Book of My Heart to God's Eyes

It is a beautiful morning. I'm at home sitting in the library at my favorite place by the window, looking out over the country lane. How blue, green and bright everything looks. My wife has left for work so I am alone. The house is quiet and I am reflecting with my Father. I just finished reading 2 Samuel.

Father, there are several things in these passages I really don't understand, but there are so many more that I do and are extremely important. David's song to you speaks to me also and for me. I know how he feels. How real and beautiful it is. David says you tested him. Some horrible things happened. There were some really stupid, disobedient things David did that caused great harm not only to him but to so many other people. And you severely punished David for them. But, oh, how you loved him.

Father, where am I going? What's happening in my life? You alone know the future, I certainly don't. I've laid it all before you as much as I know how and asked you to direct my paths. And I'm trusting in you that where it goes or whatever happens, it will be what you want and I'll follow in faith and trust.

One of the passages I read says:

"God made my life complete
when I placed all the pieces before him.
When I cleaned up my act
he gave me a fresh start....
I feel put back together,
and I'm watching my step.
God rewrote the text of my life
when I opened the book of my heart to his eyes."

That's the way I feel, Father. You did that for me. But first, before you could do anything, I had to open "the book of my heart to [your] eyes." It took a really long time, much pain, suffering, hard times, humiliation, and anger. But you kept at me. And even though I know it still continues and will continue, I can look back and see it. I can say along with David, "I feel put back together."

Hallelujah! To the Lord of Heaven and Earth!

God Undoes what the World Does

It is utterly amazing to me how one can change so dramatically in so quick a time. One week ago I was tenuous and telling you Father how desperate I was and how I found it so hard to be what you want me to be. Not that I've arrived, but my whole attitude, spirit and will are different. Aren't we just such fickle people? I really don't understand myself most of the time. But regardless, I am at a wonderful place right now. I don't know what tomorrow holds or even how I'll be tomorrow, but today, I'm with you.

Father, my God! How wonderful you are. your power of influence and conviction is beyond anyone. The way you change hearts and convict is beyond belief. If it were not for my own experience, I would be credulous. Your sweep of ownership extends infinitely. There was no beginning for you. There is no end. Man and creation may try to best you, reduce you, control you, but it cannot be done. We are nothing but small-minded nothings thinking we're intelligent and powerful. But only what you allow.

My God! With all of this, to be able to call you my Father is beyond amazing. You are God! And that's just the way it is. Thank you Father for what you have done in my life. How you have grown me to be the man you desire for me. To undo what life and bad experiences have done to me. Thank you for the Word through the Bible. The power of it has to change people. Thank you for these stories of real people and real events and your leading in their lives, whether they knew it or not. Thank you for showing us how we live, still today, and what can be expected from it, good or bad. Thank you for showing us how involved you are in all aspects of life, regardless of our acknowledgment. Thank you for showing that man has no control over you and in this world you win, and we think we have such power and control.

I say it this way because in everything, in your world, there is no battle, winner, loser. There is only you and everything is powered by you. It is how things are and life, ways of life, are like you and powered by you in complete freedom. There is no comparison of anything else. This "way", your way, can begin on this earth, surely with spits and starts, but it can. It is your kingdom on this earth. We live here, becoming increasingly more like you and living in your world and being in your world and little by little being more comfortable with it. Of course we rebel almost all the time. But you know, it doesn't matter. We're the ones who suffer and have a hard life. You don't change. It is totally our choice. Oh, how stupid we are. The one thing that will never, ever change and is all powerful, we think we have some say so over it. The only choice we make is to decide whether we want to do it your way or not. And if we don't, we're always the one to suffer for it. Always!

We are transported from this earthbound world to your Spirit world when You are acknowledged. This acknowledgment is the key to opening that door into your Spirit world. The permission to walk through that door is the death, blood and resurrection of the man Jesus the Christ. Your entire being formed into this man. You provided the key. You are the key. You provided it yourself. It is your invitation to join you in your Spirit world. That alone is the real world, infinitely. Always was and always will be. Another dimension into which we can enter by accepting the invitation of Jesus the Christ, who paid the entrance fee. All else here on earth is a distraction from your world. Satan set it up to rob you of me and all others from you, if we don't choose you over him.

All is going according to your plan. When you look at this eternal life that is all around me, what really do you have to lose by being counter-world? Nothing! It's already lost. I don't live in it any more. Only my body is here. My soul and spirit have already entered into your eternal world, the other dimension, the real dimension. This earth is really an add on, created out of love by you for man's enjoyment. Because purity is all that can be tolerated by you and can live in the true eternal dimension, man had to be free to choose when presented with an option. We could not be coerced or without choice. That would not be pure. That is why we really don't need to be so focused on Satan in our lives. We have already been freed from him. We are pure, because we made the choice, not by anything we have done, but by what you have done. We just have to choose you and believe.

From a spiritual, eternal God dimension, absolutely nothing will happen to us. It is only earthly, human results of our sin and yielding to the temptations of Satan. I do not need to be afraid. Satan cannot touch me. You cover and protect me if I'll let you on earth. My dwelling place is not here. I live, already live, with you in your infinite eternal dimension, home! I'm just confined and bound in this flesh body and constrained by the limitations of earth. That is why you have grace extended. This is temporary. It is your way of saying, "Don't worry, you're with me in my dimension, living with me for eternity. You're already here! Your soul, your spirit are mine right now. So don't get so hung up by failures on that earth. You are only there for a short period. Continue transforming into my world, my dimension, my way. You'll be so much better off."

"And then when your body dies, you won't be bound any more. Your life will blossom into what I longed for all along. But understand, you are here with me now! That is so important for you to believe and understand. Because of that, you won't worry about things on earth, just accept them and move on. Its only temporary. Who really cares? As long as you continually take on my life and learn how to live in my dimension, eternity, you won't have any problems. I'll take care of everything. I do now. I am God! I rule eternity."

"You live in my world today with me, because Jesus the Christ paid your admission fee. And when he offered it to you, you accepted it. Have fun, enjoy your life, continue to learn how to live in my dimension, because it is really the only one. All else is fake. I'll teach you, show you the ropes, and even change you as you live. This is your world. Welcome to it!" John 6:61-64a; 16:33

Intimacy of God with Me

Chapters 28-31 of I Samuel in the Bible are classic examples of events unfolding on the earth, everyday, intimate events and people not knowing why and seeing inequities, being frustrated, fearful and not know you Father are directing it the whole time. What a lesson I need to learn. It is so hard. I wonder if there is a reason why I read what I did this morning, possibly? But overall I have to trust you that you are in control of not only my life, but all events of the world, great and small.

Father, it is still hard on me to not be disappointed and fearful. So hard. But I am getting better. You give. You take away. You raise people up. You take them down. You control everything. Nothing happens that you aren't aware of. You know everything about me to how many hairs are on my head (now for me that may not be hard). A bird doesn't fall from the sky that you don't know about it. How intimate and involved is that?

Father, you know how I need income. You know I can't afford to keep this house after a period of time. You know it would be really hard to sell it at this time. So I have to trust you. Strengthen me Father. Give me a strong, solid, firm foundation of faith and trust. Not wavering. Not turning to you in time of need, but a continuous trust in my life.

I don't want to be a person who turns to you. I want you to be ever-present in my life with a free, smooth-flowing dependence on you. No different in time of need than in time of plenty. My reliance and relationship should be the same. Even when I say I "turn" to you, that implies I wasn't going in your direction, or you aren't in me as one. And I don't want that.

David is a great example: David and his men returned to their city after losing an intense battle with many dead, being disappointed and frustrated with what they thought was doing the right thing and doing what they do best. Upon return, their city had been burned, destroyed, all their wealth gone, and their families captured and gone as well. They were in intense emotional pain. The Bible says "...David and his men burst out in loud wails...wept and wept until they were exhausted with weeping...Suddenly David was in even worse trouble..There was talk among the men, bitter over the loss of their families, of stoning him...David strengthened himself with trust in his God...David prayed to God, 'Shall I go after these raiders? Can I catch them?'...The answer came!"

What? Wait a minute! Now, wait a minute Father! This is huge for me! This is a no-brainer. Of course you go after them. Why in the world would one ever stop and ask that question of you Father? But he did! He stopped and talked to you about it! Amazing! Why? Why stop and ask you? Huge lesson! David didn't turn to you--it just says, "David strengthened himself." And he did this by having a conversation with you.

I am amazed at the level of intimacy David had with you. Even after failing at leadership, seeing men he loved and for which he had responsibility killed because of his decision. After seeing his city destroyed because of what he believed to be the right thing to do. After losing his family and all the men in his charge experiencing this intense loss as well, he asked you if he should go after the marauders, the enemy, and will he catch them. It flowed. It wasn't an emotional battle and difficult. It was just like breathing. Your answer, your input, your guidance, your strength was his first thought. I am amazed at this level of intimacy with you. You truly were in his life and his life was in yours. I am amazed. Oh Father, how I want that level of intimacy with you.

God's World

Coming back to the present for just a bit. I had to get this down because it just keeps nagging me and I mean that in an exceptionally good way. I awoke this morning about 4:30 a.m. and knew there just was no more sleep in me. I came into the library and began reading the Bible from The Message. I read the book of Ruth and then read the introduction to 1 Samuel. I love Eugene Peterson's introductions to the books in the Bible. I get so much insight from them. Well, in his introduction to 1 Samuel it really spoke to me, because it was just where my thoughts and heart were last night, again. I think God is speaking to me and trying really hard to get my attention on this matter. It just keeps recurring at different times and in different situations.

Here are the statements Peterson makes that really spoke to my mind and my heart:

• We don't have to fit into prefabricated moral or mental or religious boxes before we are admitted into the company of God--we are taken seriously just as we are and given a place in his story, for it is, after all, his story.
• None of us is the leading character in the story of life.
• The biblical way is not so much to present a moral code and tell us "Live up to this...Think like this and you will live well."
• The biblical way is to tell a story and invite us, "Live into this. This is what it looks like to be human...This is what is involved in entering and maturing as human beings."
• We do violence to the biblical revelation when we use it for what we can get out of it or what we think will provide color and spice to our otherwise bland lives.
• That results in a kind of "boutique spirituality"--God as decoration, God as enhancement.
• ...we are not being led to see God in our stories, but to see our stories in God's.
• God is the larger context and plot in which our stories find themselves.

This is where my thoughts were last night while at church. Also, where my mind has been repeatedly over the past months and couple of years. My thoughts have been much more abstract and unformed, but nonetheless there. Kyle makes me think in my mind and heart. He grabs my attention and the Holy Spirit speaks. What do I do with it, then? That is my choice.

The question keeps coming back to me, "Why would I do all the things God asks or commands me to do? It can't be just to do the right thing, although that is good in a smaller context. But ultimately, it is really larger than that. God's world, spirit, is where the truth is. Even saying that limits it. In God's world there is no truth. By saying truth it lays out that there must be false. And that is not in God's world. We only have to set this truth/false concept up and do this in our world (human).

God wants me to live in that world, his world. Transcend human, so to speak, and live there, spirit. That's what Jesus did. Humanness was an encumbrance and a limitation. It was and is a prevention or deterrent to truly living in God's world. But nonetheless a world in which God wants me to live. All the revelation, stories and instruction in the Bible are to get me there.

This realization is the 'transforming' that Paul talks about. It's not just changing our lives so we can live better in this world. In fact we are told the opposite. The more we transform our lives into God's spirit world, the harder it will be on us in this world. But, the more peaceful and settled we will be in our heart, because our hearts will be less at war with God and the spirit.

The transforming of our lives is transcending us out of the human world and more into God's spirit world where he wants me to be. That transformation is the key to unlocking the doors and allowing us in, incrementally, little by little, to God's world, the true world and the eternal world. This is where we are headed ultimately, because of Jesus' work on the cross, his resurrection and our acceptance of it. But God doesn't want to wait for that. He wants us to transformationally move more to his world in our living each day until our bodies die or Jesus comes again.

Oh my, how that gives meaning to our lives as we live on this earth, encumbered and limited by humanness. Romans 12:1-2 is the complete explanation of this. Two short verses that explain completely what God is all about, once we accept Jesus' work for us. This is huge for me. I mean huge. It is the answer for all time about God's relationship to those who accept his Son's work on this earth for us. The only answer.

I must, repeat must, look at God in this way. My perspective must be that of Christ: eternal, spiritual, his world looking into ours, not ours looking into God's. That will dramatically change my life.

Living in Past/Fear of Future

I am reading the 18th chapter of I Samuel about the beginning of Saul's madness and the relationship between David and Jonathan. Father, the thought came to me again that I live too much in the past and future. While thinking and focusing on the bad things that happened to me in the past and fear of the future, I am missing out on the joy of the present. The thought just came to me that if I knew I had an income in the future, I could be happy and enjoy the present. How that is NOT like what you want me to be. Enjoy the present and let you take care of the future.

I am now in Chapter 20 and the thought just came to me that no where do we see David's thoughts and feelings about Saul's trying to repeatedly kill him and the stress and fear of living under these horrible situations. Then there is a paragraph after David escaped his house to keep Saul's men from killing him. It says: "David made good his escape and went to Samuel at Ramah and told him everything Saul had done to him. Then he and Samuel withdrew to the privacy of Naioth."

So David finally reached out to the man who was his spiritual father. One he could trust and knew was wise. He opened up and told Samuel everything. I'm sure it had to be painfully emotional and intense. I'm sure all the fear, frustration, not understanding and anger came pouring out. He may have even been told things by Samuel that he just didn't want to hear or agree with. Then Samuel and David got off to themselves in private to talk, and again I'm sure, to pray to God. A time of openness, emotion, honesty and seeking God's answer by themselves in private. How wonderful to have that older, wiser mentor. We all need one. God will provide.

Later in chapter 20 is where Jonathan and David are designing a scheme as a sign for David to run, because Saul is truly trying and plotting to kill him (David). Even in all the mayhem, fear for life, anxiety, stress, confusion and frustration, Jonathan tells and reminds David, "Regarding all the things we've discussed, remember that God's in on this with us to the very end." A reminder to me Father. In all that's going on in my life right now, you are in this, and participating or leading it to the very end. Pretty amazing!

I am now reading Chip Ingram's book again, "Good to Great In God's Eyes!" A thought just came to me about Ingram's method of identifying a few people in which to invest my life. When I talk to people about working with them, I need to reveal to them who I truly am on the inside, not just my credentials, but my heart. I know you've said this may be foolishness to them, but that is who I am. I can use Ingram's method to explain myself to them. Faithful Available Teachable. Please show me how to do this Father. Give me insight and clarity. Guide my every word coming from my heart.

Another thought--now, right now, I have an opportunity for you to talk to me, prepare me, season me, mature me, ready me for what you want to accomplish later in my life. Whatever that is. I don't have the pressure of a daily business. I have time. I have money enough to pay our expenses. A great time for you to prepare and teach me. I need to allow that, emotionally, and stop trying to bring it to an end by getting employment. This is, and has been, a rich experience, while at the same time frustrating and fearful. But it is so obvious to me you are "in on this with us to the very end." Step back Robert, relax, let God free in your life and trust and enjoy!

You know what Father? I just recalled, I have had a dream all my adult life. Help people! Impact their lives. Be used by you to have a powerful impact on people's lives. Not indirectly, but directly. Be in a position where I could impart to them "stuff" from you, from life experiences, personal insights to impact their lives. I have wanted that in my career, business, working at church, everywhere. I admit my motivation may not be totally pure, but not all together wrong. I want to impact people's lives greatly, directly and as part of it through their minds. That is my dream. I believe that the most opportune place is in a teaching/mentoring setting. I still believe I am correct, but you may have other totally different means. That is my dream. Directly--not something that just happens along the way in life. That gets me fired up.

Back Home and Still Going

I'm back home now and though I don't have the setting of the mountains and being alone, the intimacy with God, for now continues. This morning I read chapters 16 and 17 of I Samuel. The themes continued from the weekend. As I read about Saul and David, it was primarily about David, I learned a lot about first being confident in you Father. And the motivating factor in what we work to achieve must always be your glory and for your praise. But also, I can be confident in me. I know that sounds wrong, but you gave me many talents and abilities. These abilities I have, gifts, talents you gave me are things inside of me for which I am very thankful. If I deny these and don't use them, I am really telling you that they don't matter and your gifts don't mean much to me. I know where they come from. You gave them to me. But I am responsible for developing them to the best of my ability to use for your glory. These gifts are part of what make me unique. You made me unique.

When David told Saul he would go up against Goliath and fight him, Saul loaded David down with armor and spears and all kinds of paraphernalia. This is what Saul said he needed for fighting and protection. David said he couldn't move and he couldn't fight this way. It just wasn't him. I was impressed with thoughts about how we go up against obstacles and Satan. Everyone is so willing to tell others what to do and how they should fight and what to use for protection. The reality of it is, you use and do what works for you because you are unique. Only God knows the best way for me. Now, he may tell me through others, and I always have to weigh that with his word and also my uniqueness. But even when he tells me in his word what to do and how, there is usually great latitude in adapting to the uniqueness of me.

This may sound like heresy, but I don't mean it that way. God and God's way is always the only right way. What I am saying is there is a way for me to do God's will in God's way that may be very different from others, because I am me. God's handiwork allows that. When I am told to gird myself with a belt and helmet, etc., the way I wear that belt may be different for me than for others. I'm probably being very confusing right now. That happens to me sometimes. The point is, God will make my defenses customized to me in application and I should listen to him, not always at the whim of everyone else.

Father, I was also impressed today in my reading about "Don't Be Afraid." You keep driving that home. "Don't Be Afraid." I realized that I cannot make good decisions, move forward, stay focused, or be productive if I am consistently afraid and fearful. Fear is immobilizing, energy zapping and totally non-productive. You keep driving this home to me and I thank you. Please continue until I get it and it changes me. I am light-hearted again and laugh easily. Until my mind is clear and can focus like a laser on what is important, "Don't Be Afraid." Thank you Father!

The Real Thing

Cumberland Falls - 9:10 a.m.

I spent the morning hiking the trails to and from the Falls and my cabin. It had turned warm. The sky was blue. What a glorious morning. When I was almost at the end of the trail, I just sat down and talked to God out loud. It was great. It was the first time I had spoken audibly, since I arrived. I talked to God about what I had read the previous evening and about the impressions I had during the weekend. I had awakened at 7:30 a.m. and began reading I Samuel. There is so much you have said to me this weekend Father. Even reading I Samuel it didn't stop. The themes from the weekend keep being driven home to me. I am absolutely certain this weekend was God ordained. Through your Word, Chip Ingram's book, and the biography you spoke to me loudly and clearly.

I'm a little afraid of going back home. I'm afraid I'll lose the closeness with you, the intimacy. I'm afraid I'll forget. But I also know that I'm to take what I've learned and let it be expressed in relationships and in the world I'm in. I do ask that it not end! I'm the one who will decide that, I know. I can only hope I won't. I want my life to be like Samuel's. "Everyone in Israel...recognized Samuel was the real thing." Father, thank you for this weekend. Only time will tell how much my life has been changed. You are God and that's just the way it is.

My Only Value

Cumberland Falls - 6:10 p.m.

I just finished reading "A Wolf At The Table." The young man tells us that for the first time in his life, he witnessed and felt a father's love for his son. I don't know that I ever really experienced that with my father. He needed me. He was proud of me in his own way. He was to some degree intimidated by me. But I never really experienced or felt his love. It could be that I didn't know what it was or what it felt like. How sad! But I have a Father who loves me completely and needs me for nothing. He loves me completely unconditionally, just the way I am. And I am very valuable to Him. That is all that matters to me!

A Life System Built To Be Different

Cumberland Falls - 5:10 p.m.

This is a very difficult time for me during this weekend. As I said before I was reading three books, the Bible, Good To Great In God's Eyes, and a biography A Wolf At The Table. I had just finished reading a chapter in A Wolf At The Table. The boy, now 17, had his own apartment in a dilapidated, run down building that no one else would live in. He had no food and no possibility of getting any. He was hungry and had to have food. His mother was insane. His father had tried to kill him, but he was the only person he could call to get any food so he did. His father brought him a small package of bologna and day old bread. When the father left, the boy sobbed and was filled with inexpressible anger. I understand this boy. He said: "...there is an anger that goes beyond a fist through a wall. Where you are lifted so high by your fury that for an instant you hover suspended; the fist does not go through the wall. You hold your breath and wait, you hang, you float." Then he said, "I was going to make something of myself. Something big." I understand that boy. And that is why I know there is nothing but the power of God that's going to change me and heal me!

I know what he is talking about when he says "I was afraid that I was like my father." I do understand that as a child, one's perception of parents, siblings, people can be distorted. Our vantage point is very limited to only what we see and experience, mostly what we experience. And I do understand that our perceptions belong only to us and no one else. Someone living in the same household can have a very different perspective than another. It is primarily based on one's experience and to some degree personality. But, in how it shapes one's life, it really doesn't matter. My life systems and future life were dramatically shaped by my perspective of my father. He took care of us physically. He provided. But emotionally for me, he was never there. Instead, he needed me because he did not want to confront things, mainly those things having to do with spouse and family. I saw and experienced many things and my perspective in part was, he was often times different in family situations than he was in public ones. That is so painful to acknowledge and say. But most of my adult life, I fought so desperately to not be like my father. One of the results is that I take such strong measures to not be, that it consumes me. My perception was that he was a weak man in many ways and I purposed in my mind and heart I would never, ever be weak! Nothing would ever beat me! I could overcome anything!

As I have grown older and much more knowledgeable, I understand that to a large degree that what he was, was formed by what he experienced as a child growing up as well. He could only work with what he had and was capable of. But the impact on me was still the same. So today I can say I have such sympathy with him, but realize that the sin in our lives, my father, mother and me and those before us, had devastating impacts on me. Where does it end? At what point does one say, enough? At what point do I say, I am responsible for my sin, no one else is. I have to answer for what I do. Only me! The legacy will stop with me. I can only hope that to a small degree that I can say that. I am learning every day the more healthy way. God's way. The only way!

As I have spent so much time reflecting and analyzing, praying, talking to people I respect and trust, hours spent in counseling, I have come to the conclusion that I am not like my father in many ways. Those life systems I built so I would not be are so ingrained in me and so unbelievably strong and powerful, that only the power of the almighty God can break them. God, please break them.

Elder Brother's Distorted View

Cumberland Falls - 11:45 a.m.

Chip Imgram explains the elder brother's mentality in the telling of the prodigal son and how the elder brother has a distorted view of God's heart:

• Too busy earning Father's favor to realize he already had it
• So absorbed with performance he could never enjoy life
• Like the elder brother many of us spend all our energy and time trying to prove ourselves to God, parents, bosses, someone from our past, spouse, anyone who made us feel like we'll never amount to anything
• We become driven to achieve and accomplish
• Being driven to perform has a subtle, self-righteous arrogance in it
• We think that being godly means always giving up our desires and plans to do what others want
• The above falsehoods are lies from Satan!
• Truth--I must be willing to give up my plans in submission to God's direction in serving and loving others
• Truth--The plans and dreams I have are important as well
• Truth--Many are God-given
• Part of loving others is allowing them to love me, even giving them an opportunity to make sacrifices for me, as I make sacrifices for them, if God so leads.

Lie--"I always need to submit my will to everyone else's." The result is a never-ending to-do-list. When I don't experience joy, I don't have the strength of my Father and I end up in a performance trap that's steeped in self-effort and absolutely no fun." (Chip Ingram) Oh, how I fall into this trap and live there so easily. Experience it regularly. Even in my relationship with you Father. Oh please have mercy on me.

An example of a consequence of the elder-brother performance mentality: Faithful, consistent Christian-often church leader suddenly separates from their spouse. Their actions are so out of character: red sports car, takes up with a person half their age. It is almost guaranteed this person has lived with elder-brother mentality for years and was never able to enjoy life. The consistent suppression of genuine, God-ordained pleasure is frustrating and depressing. Those who live with it long enough eventually explode, sometimes in very ungodly ways. This is an example of what a distorted view of God can lead to.

• Truth-God's gifts are always available to his children, i.e. elder brother.
  

He welcomes and implores our enjoyment of them!