I am reading the 18th chapter of I Samuel about the beginning of Saul's madness and the relationship between David and Jonathan. Father, the thought came to me again that I live too much in the past and future. While thinking and focusing on the bad things that happened to me in the past and fear of the future, I am missing out on the joy of the present. The thought just came to me that if I knew I had an income in the future, I could be happy and enjoy the present. How that is NOT like what you want me to be. Enjoy the present and let you take care of the future.
I am now in Chapter 20 and the thought just came to me that no where do we see David's thoughts and feelings about Saul's trying to repeatedly kill him and the stress and fear of living under these horrible situations. Then there is a paragraph after David escaped his house to keep Saul's men from killing him. It says: "David made good his escape and went to Samuel at Ramah and told him everything Saul had done to him. Then he and Samuel withdrew to the privacy of Naioth."
So David finally reached out to the man who was his spiritual father. One he could trust and knew was wise. He opened up and told Samuel everything. I'm sure it had to be painfully emotional and intense. I'm sure all the fear, frustration, not understanding and anger came pouring out. He may have even been told things by Samuel that he just didn't want to hear or agree with. Then Samuel and David got off to themselves in private to talk, and again I'm sure, to pray to God. A time of openness, emotion, honesty and seeking God's answer by themselves in private. How wonderful to have that older, wiser mentor. We all need one. God will provide.
Later in chapter 20 is where Jonathan and David are designing a scheme as a sign for David to run, because Saul is truly trying and plotting to kill him (David). Even in all the mayhem, fear for life, anxiety, stress, confusion and frustration, Jonathan tells and reminds David, "Regarding all the things we've discussed, remember that God's in on this with us to the very end." A reminder to me Father. In all that's going on in my life right now, you are in this, and participating or leading it to the very end. Pretty amazing!
I am now reading Chip Ingram's book again, "Good to Great In God's Eyes!" A thought just came to me about Ingram's method of identifying a few people in which to invest my life. When I talk to people about working with them, I need to reveal to them who I truly am on the inside, not just my credentials, but my heart. I know you've said this may be foolishness to them, but that is who I am. I can use Ingram's method to explain myself to them. Faithful Available Teachable. Please show me how to do this Father. Give me insight and clarity. Guide my every word coming from my heart.
Another thought--now, right now, I have an opportunity for you to talk to me, prepare me, season me, mature me, ready me for what you want to accomplish later in my life. Whatever that is. I don't have the pressure of a daily business. I have time. I have money enough to pay our expenses. A great time for you to prepare and teach me. I need to allow that, emotionally, and stop trying to bring it to an end by getting employment. This is, and has been, a rich experience, while at the same time frustrating and fearful. But it is so obvious to me you are "in on this with us to the very end." Step back Robert, relax, let God free in your life and trust and enjoy!
You know what Father? I just recalled, I have had a dream all my adult life. Help people! Impact their lives. Be used by you to have a powerful impact on people's lives. Not indirectly, but directly. Be in a position where I could impart to them "stuff" from you, from life experiences, personal insights to impact their lives. I have wanted that in my career, business, working at church, everywhere. I admit my motivation may not be totally pure, but not all together wrong. I want to impact people's lives greatly, directly and as part of it through their minds. That is my dream. I believe that the most opportune place is in a teaching/mentoring setting. I still believe I am correct, but you may have other totally different means. That is my dream. Directly--not something that just happens along the way in life. That gets me fired up.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Back Home and Still Going
I'm back home now and though I don't have the setting of the mountains and being alone, the intimacy with God, for now continues. This morning I read chapters 16 and 17 of I Samuel. The themes continued from the weekend. As I read about Saul and David, it was primarily about David, I learned a lot about first being confident in you Father. And the motivating factor in what we work to achieve must always be your glory and for your praise. But also, I can be confident in me. I know that sounds wrong, but you gave me many talents and abilities. These abilities I have, gifts, talents you gave me are things inside of me for which I am very thankful. If I deny these and don't use them, I am really telling you that they don't matter and your gifts don't mean much to me. I know where they come from. You gave them to me. But I am responsible for developing them to the best of my ability to use for your glory. These gifts are part of what make me unique. You made me unique.
When David told Saul he would go up against Goliath and fight him, Saul loaded David down with armor and spears and all kinds of paraphernalia. This is what Saul said he needed for fighting and protection. David said he couldn't move and he couldn't fight this way. It just wasn't him. I was impressed with thoughts about how we go up against obstacles and Satan. Everyone is so willing to tell others what to do and how they should fight and what to use for protection. The reality of it is, you use and do what works for you because you are unique. Only God knows the best way for me. Now, he may tell me through others, and I always have to weigh that with his word and also my uniqueness. But even when he tells me in his word what to do and how, there is usually great latitude in adapting to the uniqueness of me.
This may sound like heresy, but I don't mean it that way. God and God's way is always the only right way. What I am saying is there is a way for me to do God's will in God's way that may be very different from others, because I am me. God's handiwork allows that. When I am told to gird myself with a belt and helmet, etc., the way I wear that belt may be different for me than for others. I'm probably being very confusing right now. That happens to me sometimes. The point is, God will make my defenses customized to me in application and I should listen to him, not always at the whim of everyone else.
Father, I was also impressed today in my reading about "Don't Be Afraid." You keep driving that home. "Don't Be Afraid." I realized that I cannot make good decisions, move forward, stay focused, or be productive if I am consistently afraid and fearful. Fear is immobilizing, energy zapping and totally non-productive. You keep driving this home to me and I thank you. Please continue until I get it and it changes me. I am light-hearted again and laugh easily. Until my mind is clear and can focus like a laser on what is important, "Don't Be Afraid." Thank you Father!
When David told Saul he would go up against Goliath and fight him, Saul loaded David down with armor and spears and all kinds of paraphernalia. This is what Saul said he needed for fighting and protection. David said he couldn't move and he couldn't fight this way. It just wasn't him. I was impressed with thoughts about how we go up against obstacles and Satan. Everyone is so willing to tell others what to do and how they should fight and what to use for protection. The reality of it is, you use and do what works for you because you are unique. Only God knows the best way for me. Now, he may tell me through others, and I always have to weigh that with his word and also my uniqueness. But even when he tells me in his word what to do and how, there is usually great latitude in adapting to the uniqueness of me.
This may sound like heresy, but I don't mean it that way. God and God's way is always the only right way. What I am saying is there is a way for me to do God's will in God's way that may be very different from others, because I am me. God's handiwork allows that. When I am told to gird myself with a belt and helmet, etc., the way I wear that belt may be different for me than for others. I'm probably being very confusing right now. That happens to me sometimes. The point is, God will make my defenses customized to me in application and I should listen to him, not always at the whim of everyone else.
Father, I was also impressed today in my reading about "Don't Be Afraid." You keep driving that home. "Don't Be Afraid." I realized that I cannot make good decisions, move forward, stay focused, or be productive if I am consistently afraid and fearful. Fear is immobilizing, energy zapping and totally non-productive. You keep driving this home to me and I thank you. Please continue until I get it and it changes me. I am light-hearted again and laugh easily. Until my mind is clear and can focus like a laser on what is important, "Don't Be Afraid." Thank you Father!
Sunday, September 13, 2009
The Real Thing
Cumberland Falls - 9:10 a.m.
I spent the morning hiking the trails to and from the Falls and my cabin. It had turned warm. The sky was blue. What a glorious morning. When I was almost at the end of the trail, I just sat down and talked to God out loud. It was great. It was the first time I had spoken audibly, since I arrived. I talked to God about what I had read the previous evening and about the impressions I had during the weekend. I had awakened at 7:30 a.m. and began reading I Samuel. There is so much you have said to me this weekend Father. Even reading I Samuel it didn't stop. The themes from the weekend keep being driven home to me. I am absolutely certain this weekend was God ordained. Through your Word, Chip Ingram's book, and the biography you spoke to me loudly and clearly.
I'm a little afraid of going back home. I'm afraid I'll lose the closeness with you, the intimacy. I'm afraid I'll forget. But I also know that I'm to take what I've learned and let it be expressed in relationships and in the world I'm in. I do ask that it not end! I'm the one who will decide that, I know. I can only hope I won't. I want my life to be like Samuel's. "Everyone in Israel...recognized Samuel was the real thing." Father, thank you for this weekend. Only time will tell how much my life has been changed. You are God and that's just the way it is.
I spent the morning hiking the trails to and from the Falls and my cabin. It had turned warm. The sky was blue. What a glorious morning. When I was almost at the end of the trail, I just sat down and talked to God out loud. It was great. It was the first time I had spoken audibly, since I arrived. I talked to God about what I had read the previous evening and about the impressions I had during the weekend. I had awakened at 7:30 a.m. and began reading I Samuel. There is so much you have said to me this weekend Father. Even reading I Samuel it didn't stop. The themes from the weekend keep being driven home to me. I am absolutely certain this weekend was God ordained. Through your Word, Chip Ingram's book, and the biography you spoke to me loudly and clearly.
I'm a little afraid of going back home. I'm afraid I'll lose the closeness with you, the intimacy. I'm afraid I'll forget. But I also know that I'm to take what I've learned and let it be expressed in relationships and in the world I'm in. I do ask that it not end! I'm the one who will decide that, I know. I can only hope I won't. I want my life to be like Samuel's. "Everyone in Israel...recognized Samuel was the real thing." Father, thank you for this weekend. Only time will tell how much my life has been changed. You are God and that's just the way it is.
My Only Value
Cumberland Falls - 6:10 p.m.
I just finished reading "A Wolf At The Table." The young man tells us that for the first time in his life, he witnessed and felt a father's love for his son. I don't know that I ever really experienced that with my father. He needed me. He was proud of me in his own way. He was to some degree intimidated by me. But I never really experienced or felt his love. It could be that I didn't know what it was or what it felt like. How sad! But I have a Father who loves me completely and needs me for nothing. He loves me completely unconditionally, just the way I am. And I am very valuable to Him. That is all that matters to me!
I just finished reading "A Wolf At The Table." The young man tells us that for the first time in his life, he witnessed and felt a father's love for his son. I don't know that I ever really experienced that with my father. He needed me. He was proud of me in his own way. He was to some degree intimidated by me. But I never really experienced or felt his love. It could be that I didn't know what it was or what it felt like. How sad! But I have a Father who loves me completely and needs me for nothing. He loves me completely unconditionally, just the way I am. And I am very valuable to Him. That is all that matters to me!
A Life System Built To Be Different
Cumberland Falls - 5:10 p.m.
This is a very difficult time for me during this weekend. As I said before I was reading three books, the Bible, Good To Great In God's Eyes, and a biography A Wolf At The Table. I had just finished reading a chapter in A Wolf At The Table. The boy, now 17, had his own apartment in a dilapidated, run down building that no one else would live in. He had no food and no possibility of getting any. He was hungry and had to have food. His mother was insane. His father had tried to kill him, but he was the only person he could call to get any food so he did. His father brought him a small package of bologna and day old bread. When the father left, the boy sobbed and was filled with inexpressible anger. I understand this boy. He said: "...there is an anger that goes beyond a fist through a wall. Where you are lifted so high by your fury that for an instant you hover suspended; the fist does not go through the wall. You hold your breath and wait, you hang, you float." Then he said, "I was going to make something of myself. Something big." I understand that boy. And that is why I know there is nothing but the power of God that's going to change me and heal me!
I know what he is talking about when he says "I was afraid that I was like my father." I do understand that as a child, one's perception of parents, siblings, people can be distorted. Our vantage point is very limited to only what we see and experience, mostly what we experience. And I do understand that our perceptions belong only to us and no one else. Someone living in the same household can have a very different perspective than another. It is primarily based on one's experience and to some degree personality. But, in how it shapes one's life, it really doesn't matter. My life systems and future life were dramatically shaped by my perspective of my father. He took care of us physically. He provided. But emotionally for me, he was never there. Instead, he needed me because he did not want to confront things, mainly those things having to do with spouse and family. I saw and experienced many things and my perspective in part was, he was often times different in family situations than he was in public ones. That is so painful to acknowledge and say. But most of my adult life, I fought so desperately to not be like my father. One of the results is that I take such strong measures to not be, that it consumes me. My perception was that he was a weak man in many ways and I purposed in my mind and heart I would never, ever be weak! Nothing would ever beat me! I could overcome anything!
As I have grown older and much more knowledgeable, I understand that to a large degree that what he was, was formed by what he experienced as a child growing up as well. He could only work with what he had and was capable of. But the impact on me was still the same. So today I can say I have such sympathy with him, but realize that the sin in our lives, my father, mother and me and those before us, had devastating impacts on me. Where does it end? At what point does one say, enough? At what point do I say, I am responsible for my sin, no one else is. I have to answer for what I do. Only me! The legacy will stop with me. I can only hope that to a small degree that I can say that. I am learning every day the more healthy way. God's way. The only way!
As I have spent so much time reflecting and analyzing, praying, talking to people I respect and trust, hours spent in counseling, I have come to the conclusion that I am not like my father in many ways. Those life systems I built so I would not be are so ingrained in me and so unbelievably strong and powerful, that only the power of the almighty God can break them. God, please break them.
This is a very difficult time for me during this weekend. As I said before I was reading three books, the Bible, Good To Great In God's Eyes, and a biography A Wolf At The Table. I had just finished reading a chapter in A Wolf At The Table. The boy, now 17, had his own apartment in a dilapidated, run down building that no one else would live in. He had no food and no possibility of getting any. He was hungry and had to have food. His mother was insane. His father had tried to kill him, but he was the only person he could call to get any food so he did. His father brought him a small package of bologna and day old bread. When the father left, the boy sobbed and was filled with inexpressible anger. I understand this boy. He said: "...there is an anger that goes beyond a fist through a wall. Where you are lifted so high by your fury that for an instant you hover suspended; the fist does not go through the wall. You hold your breath and wait, you hang, you float." Then he said, "I was going to make something of myself. Something big." I understand that boy. And that is why I know there is nothing but the power of God that's going to change me and heal me!
I know what he is talking about when he says "I was afraid that I was like my father." I do understand that as a child, one's perception of parents, siblings, people can be distorted. Our vantage point is very limited to only what we see and experience, mostly what we experience. And I do understand that our perceptions belong only to us and no one else. Someone living in the same household can have a very different perspective than another. It is primarily based on one's experience and to some degree personality. But, in how it shapes one's life, it really doesn't matter. My life systems and future life were dramatically shaped by my perspective of my father. He took care of us physically. He provided. But emotionally for me, he was never there. Instead, he needed me because he did not want to confront things, mainly those things having to do with spouse and family. I saw and experienced many things and my perspective in part was, he was often times different in family situations than he was in public ones. That is so painful to acknowledge and say. But most of my adult life, I fought so desperately to not be like my father. One of the results is that I take such strong measures to not be, that it consumes me. My perception was that he was a weak man in many ways and I purposed in my mind and heart I would never, ever be weak! Nothing would ever beat me! I could overcome anything!
As I have grown older and much more knowledgeable, I understand that to a large degree that what he was, was formed by what he experienced as a child growing up as well. He could only work with what he had and was capable of. But the impact on me was still the same. So today I can say I have such sympathy with him, but realize that the sin in our lives, my father, mother and me and those before us, had devastating impacts on me. Where does it end? At what point does one say, enough? At what point do I say, I am responsible for my sin, no one else is. I have to answer for what I do. Only me! The legacy will stop with me. I can only hope that to a small degree that I can say that. I am learning every day the more healthy way. God's way. The only way!
As I have spent so much time reflecting and analyzing, praying, talking to people I respect and trust, hours spent in counseling, I have come to the conclusion that I am not like my father in many ways. Those life systems I built so I would not be are so ingrained in me and so unbelievably strong and powerful, that only the power of the almighty God can break them. God, please break them.
Elder Brother's Distorted View
Cumberland Falls - 11:45 a.m.
Chip Imgram explains the elder brother's mentality in the telling of the prodigal son and how the elder brother has a distorted view of God's heart:
An example of a consequence of the elder-brother performance mentality: Faithful, consistent Christian-often church leader suddenly separates from their spouse. Their actions are so out of character: red sports car, takes up with a person half their age. It is almost guaranteed this person has lived with elder-brother mentality for years and was never able to enjoy life. The consistent suppression of genuine, God-ordained pleasure is frustrating and depressing. Those who live with it long enough eventually explode, sometimes in very ungodly ways. This is an example of what a distorted view of God can lead to.
Chip Imgram explains the elder brother's mentality in the telling of the prodigal son and how the elder brother has a distorted view of God's heart:
- Too busy earning Father's favor to realize he already had it
- So absorbed with performance he could never enjoy life
- Like the elder brother many of us spend all our energy and time trying to prove ourselves to God, parents, bosses, someone from our past, spouse, anyone who made us feel like we'll never amount to anything
- We become driven to achieve and accomplish
- Being driven to perform has a subtle, self-righteous arrogance in it
- We think that being godly means always giving up our desires and plans to do what others want
- The above falsehoods are lies from Satan!
- Truth--I must be willing to give up my plans in submission to God's direction in serving and loving others
- Truth--The plans and dreams I have are important as well
- Truth--Many are God-given
- Part of loving others is allowing them to love me, even giving them an opportunity to make sacrifices for me, as I make sacrifices for them, if God so leads.
An example of a consequence of the elder-brother performance mentality: Faithful, consistent Christian-often church leader suddenly separates from their spouse. Their actions are so out of character: red sports car, takes up with a person half their age. It is almost guaranteed this person has lived with elder-brother mentality for years and was never able to enjoy life. The consistent suppression of genuine, God-ordained pleasure is frustrating and depressing. Those who live with it long enough eventually explode, sometimes in very ungodly ways. This is an example of what a distorted view of God can lead to.
- Truth-God's gifts are always available to his children, i.e. elder brother.
Monday, September 7, 2009
Throw A Party
Cumberland Falls - 10:58 a.m.
I am reading Chip Ingram's book "Good To Great In God's Eyes" now and the chapter is "Enjoy Great Moments." Ingram points out that great Christians enjoy life and have fun. He uses Nehemiah 8:10 to make his point. He says:
I am reading Chip Ingram's book "Good To Great In God's Eyes" now and the chapter is "Enjoy Great Moments." Ingram points out that great Christians enjoy life and have fun. He uses Nehemiah 8:10 to make his point. He says:
"Ezra...read the books of Moses...to the assembly. Realizing how badly they had missed God's will and violated His commandments, they began to weep...Nehemiah encouraged them with these words, "Go and enjoy choice food and sweet drinks, and send some to those who have nothing prepared. This day is sacred to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength."...Nehemiah didn't miss the need to repent, BUT, he understood that God had given the people a time of gladness. Sorrow was natural and necessary sometime. BUT, it couldn't define the life of God's people."
Nehemiah and God didn't jump on them and beat them down further when they realized how they had sinned and disobeyed. Instead he told them "Don't grieve". Throw a party.
Ingram also says, "We have little slices of time that fill us with joy...we treasure them even more when we celebrate them with others, especially those close to our heart. They mean more when others are involved...You never took time for enjoying, relating, and just relaxing. God put opportunities in your path that you never noticed and [God] put people in your path who would have loved you if you'd given them the time." This relationship with people is huge for me. People would have/will love me if I would just give them a chance. God places them there for me as a gift that I often ignore.
Nehemiah and God didn't jump on them and beat them down further when they realized how they had sinned and disobeyed. Instead he told them "Don't grieve". Throw a party.
Ingram also says, "We have little slices of time that fill us with joy...we treasure them even more when we celebrate them with others, especially those close to our heart. They mean more when others are involved...You never took time for enjoying, relating, and just relaxing. God put opportunities in your path that you never noticed and [God] put people in your path who would have loved you if you'd given them the time." This relationship with people is huge for me. People would have/will love me if I would just give them a chance. God places them there for me as a gift that I often ignore.
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