Cumberland Falls - 9:10 a.m.
I spent the morning hiking the trails to and from the Falls and my cabin. It had turned warm. The sky was blue. What a glorious morning. When I was almost at the end of the trail, I just sat down and talked to God out loud. It was great. It was the first time I had spoken audibly, since I arrived. I talked to God about what I had read the previous evening and about the impressions I had during the weekend. I had awakened at 7:30 a.m. and began reading I Samuel. There is so much you have said to me this weekend Father. Even reading I Samuel it didn't stop. The themes from the weekend keep being driven home to me. I am absolutely certain this weekend was God ordained. Through your Word, Chip Ingram's book, and the biography you spoke to me loudly and clearly.
I'm a little afraid of going back home. I'm afraid I'll lose the closeness with you, the intimacy. I'm afraid I'll forget. But I also know that I'm to take what I've learned and let it be expressed in relationships and in the world I'm in. I do ask that it not end! I'm the one who will decide that, I know. I can only hope I won't. I want my life to be like Samuel's. "Everyone in Israel...recognized Samuel was the real thing." Father, thank you for this weekend. Only time will tell how much my life has been changed. You are God and that's just the way it is.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
My Only Value
Cumberland Falls - 6:10 p.m.
I just finished reading "A Wolf At The Table." The young man tells us that for the first time in his life, he witnessed and felt a father's love for his son. I don't know that I ever really experienced that with my father. He needed me. He was proud of me in his own way. He was to some degree intimidated by me. But I never really experienced or felt his love. It could be that I didn't know what it was or what it felt like. How sad! But I have a Father who loves me completely and needs me for nothing. He loves me completely unconditionally, just the way I am. And I am very valuable to Him. That is all that matters to me!
I just finished reading "A Wolf At The Table." The young man tells us that for the first time in his life, he witnessed and felt a father's love for his son. I don't know that I ever really experienced that with my father. He needed me. He was proud of me in his own way. He was to some degree intimidated by me. But I never really experienced or felt his love. It could be that I didn't know what it was or what it felt like. How sad! But I have a Father who loves me completely and needs me for nothing. He loves me completely unconditionally, just the way I am. And I am very valuable to Him. That is all that matters to me!
A Life System Built To Be Different
Cumberland Falls - 5:10 p.m.
This is a very difficult time for me during this weekend. As I said before I was reading three books, the Bible, Good To Great In God's Eyes, and a biography A Wolf At The Table. I had just finished reading a chapter in A Wolf At The Table. The boy, now 17, had his own apartment in a dilapidated, run down building that no one else would live in. He had no food and no possibility of getting any. He was hungry and had to have food. His mother was insane. His father had tried to kill him, but he was the only person he could call to get any food so he did. His father brought him a small package of bologna and day old bread. When the father left, the boy sobbed and was filled with inexpressible anger. I understand this boy. He said: "...there is an anger that goes beyond a fist through a wall. Where you are lifted so high by your fury that for an instant you hover suspended; the fist does not go through the wall. You hold your breath and wait, you hang, you float." Then he said, "I was going to make something of myself. Something big." I understand that boy. And that is why I know there is nothing but the power of God that's going to change me and heal me!
I know what he is talking about when he says "I was afraid that I was like my father." I do understand that as a child, one's perception of parents, siblings, people can be distorted. Our vantage point is very limited to only what we see and experience, mostly what we experience. And I do understand that our perceptions belong only to us and no one else. Someone living in the same household can have a very different perspective than another. It is primarily based on one's experience and to some degree personality. But, in how it shapes one's life, it really doesn't matter. My life systems and future life were dramatically shaped by my perspective of my father. He took care of us physically. He provided. But emotionally for me, he was never there. Instead, he needed me because he did not want to confront things, mainly those things having to do with spouse and family. I saw and experienced many things and my perspective in part was, he was often times different in family situations than he was in public ones. That is so painful to acknowledge and say. But most of my adult life, I fought so desperately to not be like my father. One of the results is that I take such strong measures to not be, that it consumes me. My perception was that he was a weak man in many ways and I purposed in my mind and heart I would never, ever be weak! Nothing would ever beat me! I could overcome anything!
As I have grown older and much more knowledgeable, I understand that to a large degree that what he was, was formed by what he experienced as a child growing up as well. He could only work with what he had and was capable of. But the impact on me was still the same. So today I can say I have such sympathy with him, but realize that the sin in our lives, my father, mother and me and those before us, had devastating impacts on me. Where does it end? At what point does one say, enough? At what point do I say, I am responsible for my sin, no one else is. I have to answer for what I do. Only me! The legacy will stop with me. I can only hope that to a small degree that I can say that. I am learning every day the more healthy way. God's way. The only way!
As I have spent so much time reflecting and analyzing, praying, talking to people I respect and trust, hours spent in counseling, I have come to the conclusion that I am not like my father in many ways. Those life systems I built so I would not be are so ingrained in me and so unbelievably strong and powerful, that only the power of the almighty God can break them. God, please break them.
This is a very difficult time for me during this weekend. As I said before I was reading three books, the Bible, Good To Great In God's Eyes, and a biography A Wolf At The Table. I had just finished reading a chapter in A Wolf At The Table. The boy, now 17, had his own apartment in a dilapidated, run down building that no one else would live in. He had no food and no possibility of getting any. He was hungry and had to have food. His mother was insane. His father had tried to kill him, but he was the only person he could call to get any food so he did. His father brought him a small package of bologna and day old bread. When the father left, the boy sobbed and was filled with inexpressible anger. I understand this boy. He said: "...there is an anger that goes beyond a fist through a wall. Where you are lifted so high by your fury that for an instant you hover suspended; the fist does not go through the wall. You hold your breath and wait, you hang, you float." Then he said, "I was going to make something of myself. Something big." I understand that boy. And that is why I know there is nothing but the power of God that's going to change me and heal me!
I know what he is talking about when he says "I was afraid that I was like my father." I do understand that as a child, one's perception of parents, siblings, people can be distorted. Our vantage point is very limited to only what we see and experience, mostly what we experience. And I do understand that our perceptions belong only to us and no one else. Someone living in the same household can have a very different perspective than another. It is primarily based on one's experience and to some degree personality. But, in how it shapes one's life, it really doesn't matter. My life systems and future life were dramatically shaped by my perspective of my father. He took care of us physically. He provided. But emotionally for me, he was never there. Instead, he needed me because he did not want to confront things, mainly those things having to do with spouse and family. I saw and experienced many things and my perspective in part was, he was often times different in family situations than he was in public ones. That is so painful to acknowledge and say. But most of my adult life, I fought so desperately to not be like my father. One of the results is that I take such strong measures to not be, that it consumes me. My perception was that he was a weak man in many ways and I purposed in my mind and heart I would never, ever be weak! Nothing would ever beat me! I could overcome anything!
As I have grown older and much more knowledgeable, I understand that to a large degree that what he was, was formed by what he experienced as a child growing up as well. He could only work with what he had and was capable of. But the impact on me was still the same. So today I can say I have such sympathy with him, but realize that the sin in our lives, my father, mother and me and those before us, had devastating impacts on me. Where does it end? At what point does one say, enough? At what point do I say, I am responsible for my sin, no one else is. I have to answer for what I do. Only me! The legacy will stop with me. I can only hope that to a small degree that I can say that. I am learning every day the more healthy way. God's way. The only way!
As I have spent so much time reflecting and analyzing, praying, talking to people I respect and trust, hours spent in counseling, I have come to the conclusion that I am not like my father in many ways. Those life systems I built so I would not be are so ingrained in me and so unbelievably strong and powerful, that only the power of the almighty God can break them. God, please break them.
Elder Brother's Distorted View
Cumberland Falls - 11:45 a.m.
Chip Imgram explains the elder brother's mentality in the telling of the prodigal son and how the elder brother has a distorted view of God's heart:
An example of a consequence of the elder-brother performance mentality: Faithful, consistent Christian-often church leader suddenly separates from their spouse. Their actions are so out of character: red sports car, takes up with a person half their age. It is almost guaranteed this person has lived with elder-brother mentality for years and was never able to enjoy life. The consistent suppression of genuine, God-ordained pleasure is frustrating and depressing. Those who live with it long enough eventually explode, sometimes in very ungodly ways. This is an example of what a distorted view of God can lead to.
Chip Imgram explains the elder brother's mentality in the telling of the prodigal son and how the elder brother has a distorted view of God's heart:
- Too busy earning Father's favor to realize he already had it
- So absorbed with performance he could never enjoy life
- Like the elder brother many of us spend all our energy and time trying to prove ourselves to God, parents, bosses, someone from our past, spouse, anyone who made us feel like we'll never amount to anything
- We become driven to achieve and accomplish
- Being driven to perform has a subtle, self-righteous arrogance in it
- We think that being godly means always giving up our desires and plans to do what others want
- The above falsehoods are lies from Satan!
- Truth--I must be willing to give up my plans in submission to God's direction in serving and loving others
- Truth--The plans and dreams I have are important as well
- Truth--Many are God-given
- Part of loving others is allowing them to love me, even giving them an opportunity to make sacrifices for me, as I make sacrifices for them, if God so leads.
An example of a consequence of the elder-brother performance mentality: Faithful, consistent Christian-often church leader suddenly separates from their spouse. Their actions are so out of character: red sports car, takes up with a person half their age. It is almost guaranteed this person has lived with elder-brother mentality for years and was never able to enjoy life. The consistent suppression of genuine, God-ordained pleasure is frustrating and depressing. Those who live with it long enough eventually explode, sometimes in very ungodly ways. This is an example of what a distorted view of God can lead to.
- Truth-God's gifts are always available to his children, i.e. elder brother.
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