Cumberland Falls-6:49 p.m.
I've been reading the biography of this man who grew up in an incredibly dysfunctional and toxic family. The name of the biography is "A Wolf At The Table." It is amazing what he went through-father, mother and brother. While in many aspects it is not like my own, but overall it is. His feelings of longing for a father are very similar to mine and his relationship to his mother is as well. What I realized very strongly and it came to me suddenly is, I need a DAD. I need a mentor. One who is wise, loving, understanding, non-judgmental. I need someone to talk to and from whom I can seek advice and counsel. I need a DAD. Father, lead someone to me, please.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Don't Be Afraid
Cumberland Falls-12:50 p.m.
While I am waiting for God to show me what he wants me to do so I can sacrifice, I'm losing opportunity and wasting time. DO IT! and he will respond. The issue is not what he wants me to do. The issue is sacrifice and he will be pleased. Pure and simple! Whatever happens after that is up to him! That's all that matters. Oh, how I wish it were that simple.
While I am waiting for God to show me what he wants me to do so I can sacrifice, I'm losing opportunity and wasting time. DO IT! and he will respond. The issue is not what he wants me to do. The issue is sacrifice and he will be pleased. Pure and simple! Whatever happens after that is up to him! That's all that matters. Oh, how I wish it were that simple.
Don't Be Afraid
Cumberland Falls-12:28 p.m
So what you're telling me, God, through Ingram's book is that I offer up all of me--including RobLen and the situation and know in my heart that whatever happens will be good for me, but firstly for your praise and glory. Leave it at your feet and move on in faith and joy and peace, living for you and all you can fill me with! Because, even if I suffer, it is ultimately going to be better for me here on this earth and eternally. Matthew 10:29-30 Frankly, I just don't get it. It really does not compute. Sounds good from a "Christian's" point of view, but I don't have a clue how to do it.
So what you're telling me, God, through Ingram's book is that I offer up all of me--including RobLen and the situation and know in my heart that whatever happens will be good for me, but firstly for your praise and glory. Leave it at your feet and move on in faith and joy and peace, living for you and all you can fill me with! Because, even if I suffer, it is ultimately going to be better for me here on this earth and eternally. Matthew 10:29-30 Frankly, I just don't get it. It really does not compute. Sounds good from a "Christian's" point of view, but I don't have a clue how to do it.
Don't Be Afraid
Cumberland Falls-11:46 a.m.
So I'm now reading the chapter on great sacrifices from Chip Ingram's book "Good to Great in God's Eyes" and you are speaking to me God. Question-Huge Obstacle! RobLen! Sacrifice it! Goes against everything I have worked for and believe! Lose lots of money-can't sell it-costing me money. Lose equity I was going to use to pay cash for a place later in life. What do I do? I think I could say it's yours, take it! I just don't know how to resolve it. Losing everything scares me to death. Don't know how or really what the next step would be.
So I'm now reading the chapter on great sacrifices from Chip Ingram's book "Good to Great in God's Eyes" and you are speaking to me God. Question-Huge Obstacle! RobLen! Sacrifice it! Goes against everything I have worked for and believe! Lose lots of money-can't sell it-costing me money. Lose equity I was going to use to pay cash for a place later in life. What do I do? I think I could say it's yours, take it! I just don't know how to resolve it. Losing everything scares me to death. Don't know how or really what the next step would be.
Don't Be Afraid
Cumberland Falls-9:30 a.m.
I'm outside now on the balcony reading the Bible. In the 14th chapter of Judges is the story of Samson. Samson's mother and father asked God's angel to teach them how to raise Samson. Evidently either the angel didn't tell them, the parents didn't listen, or they just ignored it. Samson wants to marry the Philistine girl he had seen. He comes back to his parents and demands, "get her for me as my wife." His parents didn't agree and wanted one of their own people to be his wife. So they asked Samson if he couldn't find one at home. He demanded again: "Get her for me. She's the one I want--she's right for me." We can see how Samson was incredibly spoiled and he controlled the family. But the part that struck me is in the parenthesis: "His father and mother had no idea that God was behind this, that he was arranging an opportunity against the Philistines." This is really, really important for me. I see only what I know. I most often don't see the big picture of God in my life. What appears, based on what I know and see to be bad and distasteful, may be God's working for a larger, greater purpose. I guess that's where faith and pure trust come in.
I'm outside now on the balcony reading the Bible. In the 14th chapter of Judges is the story of Samson. Samson's mother and father asked God's angel to teach them how to raise Samson. Evidently either the angel didn't tell them, the parents didn't listen, or they just ignored it. Samson wants to marry the Philistine girl he had seen. He comes back to his parents and demands, "get her for me as my wife." His parents didn't agree and wanted one of their own people to be his wife. So they asked Samson if he couldn't find one at home. He demanded again: "Get her for me. She's the one I want--she's right for me." We can see how Samson was incredibly spoiled and he controlled the family. But the part that struck me is in the parenthesis: "His father and mother had no idea that God was behind this, that he was arranging an opportunity against the Philistines." This is really, really important for me. I see only what I know. I most often don't see the big picture of God in my life. What appears, based on what I know and see to be bad and distasteful, may be God's working for a larger, greater purpose. I guess that's where faith and pure trust come in.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Don't Be Afraid
Cumberland Falls-8 a.m.
All the windows and doors are open in the cabin. The air is warm. Sun is shining. I awoke early, but don't remember exactly what time it was. However, it was still dark and for a long time. I dozed off and on and then got up at 7 a.m. As I laid there I started thinking and as usual all the negative things started going through my mind and I got very anxious and fearful, really fearful. I really hate that. Why can't I start thinking about good things, positive things, pleasant things in the wee hours of the morning in the dark or in the middle of the night in the dark. There's really something about this that is telling for all of us. But then a thought came in remembrance of your Word, Father: "Don't be afraid." It was so clear and I repeated it over and over in my mind. Not so much as a mantra, but intermittently when I would think of bad things. So it became my consistent response to those thoughts as I laid there in the dark.
That is very important to me. "Don't be afraid." You tell me that, but how do I take it in? How do I internalize it so it becomes a driving force? I don't know. Most of the time I don't feel your presence. There are times I do, but most of the time I don't. Have mercy and understanding of me Father. I want to not be afraid. Oh, how I want to.
The driving force in me is different at various times, but mostly it is achievement and accomplishment in its various forms. I'm reading a book entitled "A Wolf At The Table." Yesterday I read:
"It was the first time in my life I'd experienced a feeling close to achievement...I saw that if I continued this strange, land-swimming, this intoxicating, crawling, climbing, clinging, I would make it to the very top of the world."
Now this little boy was climbing a pyramid in Mexico and then he said:
"I didn't know what a pyramid was. Not once did I consider the consecrated land upon which it was built, or the powerful ancient society that created it. I knew only that it was overwhelming, magnificent, and must be climbed."
That is the way I am. Right now in my life I am wondering what is there that is overwhelming, magnificent, and must be climbed, achieved, proof that I can do it? It gives me status, self-achievement, it means I am somebody and no one can take that away from me. It is an inner force driving me. What is there to replace that in my life right now? Because I feel that all of that has been taken away from me. What is there left that is me? I feel empty and I am floundering.
Father, I don't believe you want me to give it up. It is who I am, at least a big part of who I am. That drive. That force. That can do attitude. That I can get it done. But maybe, no not maybe, you must channel it. And I guess, which I don't really understand, change my motivation. I do know you can do this. I know you can. I just don't see evidence that you are and/or that it is what you are working on. There is so much stuff in my spirit, mind and heart that comes between you and me. Stuff that is overwhelming to me. You are magnificent in your power. That is part of what attracts me to you, your holiness and power. There is none other. The fact that no one or no being can best you, overcome you is thrilling to me. That is why the song that says "You are God, and that's just the way it is," is so personal and powerful to me.
But that is where the conflict lies. I know that. I know from the very depths of my being. And also in the depths is this desire, this drive to achieve and the thrill and high I get from the process and the achievement. I don't understand how they both can be in concert.
I also know I like living at RobLen and being able to dabble in this or that. Not having to work if I don't want to. Spend time reading. Have the money to repair and improve things on RobLen. Go to lunch and have coffee with friends. Get involved with people in teaching, guiding, or a mentoring capacity. Spend large amounts of time in your Word and with you. Traveling when I want to. Give money away and help people. I like that Father. I would like to keep it up and also work hard to achieve things. Somewhere, somehow there has to be an answer out there and you now what it is.
One thing I do know: As far as I can tell I have about 5 months of money left to live on and then it is gone. What will I do? What should I do now? And there is the fear, the anxiety. The fear of the end of the money and not a clue as to what to do. And I hear your voice speaking to me, "Don't be afraid." The fact of the matter is, I am afraid and I don't know how not to be!
All the windows and doors are open in the cabin. The air is warm. Sun is shining. I awoke early, but don't remember exactly what time it was. However, it was still dark and for a long time. I dozed off and on and then got up at 7 a.m. As I laid there I started thinking and as usual all the negative things started going through my mind and I got very anxious and fearful, really fearful. I really hate that. Why can't I start thinking about good things, positive things, pleasant things in the wee hours of the morning in the dark or in the middle of the night in the dark. There's really something about this that is telling for all of us. But then a thought came in remembrance of your Word, Father: "Don't be afraid." It was so clear and I repeated it over and over in my mind. Not so much as a mantra, but intermittently when I would think of bad things. So it became my consistent response to those thoughts as I laid there in the dark.
That is very important to me. "Don't be afraid." You tell me that, but how do I take it in? How do I internalize it so it becomes a driving force? I don't know. Most of the time I don't feel your presence. There are times I do, but most of the time I don't. Have mercy and understanding of me Father. I want to not be afraid. Oh, how I want to.
The driving force in me is different at various times, but mostly it is achievement and accomplishment in its various forms. I'm reading a book entitled "A Wolf At The Table." Yesterday I read:
"It was the first time in my life I'd experienced a feeling close to achievement...I saw that if I continued this strange, land-swimming, this intoxicating, crawling, climbing, clinging, I would make it to the very top of the world."
Now this little boy was climbing a pyramid in Mexico and then he said:
"I didn't know what a pyramid was. Not once did I consider the consecrated land upon which it was built, or the powerful ancient society that created it. I knew only that it was overwhelming, magnificent, and must be climbed."
That is the way I am. Right now in my life I am wondering what is there that is overwhelming, magnificent, and must be climbed, achieved, proof that I can do it? It gives me status, self-achievement, it means I am somebody and no one can take that away from me. It is an inner force driving me. What is there to replace that in my life right now? Because I feel that all of that has been taken away from me. What is there left that is me? I feel empty and I am floundering.
Father, I don't believe you want me to give it up. It is who I am, at least a big part of who I am. That drive. That force. That can do attitude. That I can get it done. But maybe, no not maybe, you must channel it. And I guess, which I don't really understand, change my motivation. I do know you can do this. I know you can. I just don't see evidence that you are and/or that it is what you are working on. There is so much stuff in my spirit, mind and heart that comes between you and me. Stuff that is overwhelming to me. You are magnificent in your power. That is part of what attracts me to you, your holiness and power. There is none other. The fact that no one or no being can best you, overcome you is thrilling to me. That is why the song that says "You are God, and that's just the way it is," is so personal and powerful to me.
But that is where the conflict lies. I know that. I know from the very depths of my being. And also in the depths is this desire, this drive to achieve and the thrill and high I get from the process and the achievement. I don't understand how they both can be in concert.
I also know I like living at RobLen and being able to dabble in this or that. Not having to work if I don't want to. Spend time reading. Have the money to repair and improve things on RobLen. Go to lunch and have coffee with friends. Get involved with people in teaching, guiding, or a mentoring capacity. Spend large amounts of time in your Word and with you. Traveling when I want to. Give money away and help people. I like that Father. I would like to keep it up and also work hard to achieve things. Somewhere, somehow there has to be an answer out there and you now what it is.
One thing I do know: As far as I can tell I have about 5 months of money left to live on and then it is gone. What will I do? What should I do now? And there is the fear, the anxiety. The fear of the end of the money and not a clue as to what to do. And I hear your voice speaking to me, "Don't be afraid." The fact of the matter is, I am afraid and I don't know how not to be!
Gotta Tell It
After so many years, events, issues, pain, disappointment, frustration, anxiety, growth, ups, downs, blindness and seeing I am at a place where it is good. I can see God at work so clearly. But to get here I had to experience all of the above at the direction of God in my life, those around me and just life experiences. Along the way I had so many doubts, joys, highs and lows, so much anger and loneliness. But it was necessary and it was life. Before I share what is going on right now, I believe it is important that I have a little history telling. As most of you know I journal. And it is in my journal that I express much of my heart and mind. That is where I need to go in order to bring you up to date and explain how I got to where I am today.
So, I'm going to include the most pertinent parts of my journal here that will lead you through the labyrinths and complexities to where I am and then I'll tell you about today. Each chapter will have a date in which I wrote the journal entry and somewhat of a topic that pertains to that journal entry. Of course you can just wait and skip to today if you want, but it won't be nearly as much fun. "Fun," that is an odd word to use, unless of course you are a sadist. And there is a little of that in all of us.
The next entry will be the first chapter and the the beginning of my story in this telling. Much happened prior to this first chapter, bringing me to where I was at that time, and it was very significant. But I had to pick somewhere to start and it seemed to me that Friday, May 2, 2008 was a good time. It was a time I had gone off by myself to Cumberland Falls and stayed in a cabin alone for a long weekend. It was a time, probably at one of my lowest points in my life, when nothing seemed to be happening good. My wife and I were so emotionally and spiritually separated, it was scary. There was intense fear and anger in both of our lives. So I spent a long weekend alone in the woods where I just read, talked to God was completely alone and wrote. The next chapter in the Blog is where I begin telling the story.
So, I'm going to include the most pertinent parts of my journal here that will lead you through the labyrinths and complexities to where I am and then I'll tell you about today. Each chapter will have a date in which I wrote the journal entry and somewhat of a topic that pertains to that journal entry. Of course you can just wait and skip to today if you want, but it won't be nearly as much fun. "Fun," that is an odd word to use, unless of course you are a sadist. And there is a little of that in all of us.
The next entry will be the first chapter and the the beginning of my story in this telling. Much happened prior to this first chapter, bringing me to where I was at that time, and it was very significant. But I had to pick somewhere to start and it seemed to me that Friday, May 2, 2008 was a good time. It was a time I had gone off by myself to Cumberland Falls and stayed in a cabin alone for a long weekend. It was a time, probably at one of my lowest points in my life, when nothing seemed to be happening good. My wife and I were so emotionally and spiritually separated, it was scary. There was intense fear and anger in both of our lives. So I spent a long weekend alone in the woods where I just read, talked to God was completely alone and wrote. The next chapter in the Blog is where I begin telling the story.
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