Don't Be Afraid

Cumberland Falls-8 a.m.

All the windows and doors are open in the cabin. The air is warm. Sun is shining. I awoke early, but don't remember exactly what time it was. However, it was still dark and for a long time. I dozed off and on and then got up at 7 a.m. As I laid there I started thinking and as usual all the negative things started going through my mind and I got very anxious and fearful, really fearful. I really hate that. Why can't I start thinking about good things, positive things, pleasant things in the wee hours of the morning in the dark or in the middle of the night in the dark. There's really something about this that is telling for all of us. But then a thought came in remembrance of your Word, Father: "Don't be afraid." It was so clear and I repeated it over and over in my mind. Not so much as a mantra, but intermittently when I would think of bad things. So it became my consistent response to those thoughts as I laid there in the dark.

That is very important to me. "Don't be afraid." You tell me that, but how do I take it in? How do I internalize it so it becomes a driving force? I don't know. Most of the time I don't feel your presence. There are times I do, but most of the time I don't. Have mercy and understanding of me Father. I want to not be afraid. Oh, how I want to.

The driving force in me is different at various times, but mostly it is achievement and accomplishment in its various forms. I'm reading a book entitled "A Wolf At The Table." Yesterday I read:

"It was the first time in my life I'd experienced a feeling close to achievement...I saw that if I continued this strange, land-swimming, this intoxicating, crawling, climbing, clinging, I would make it to the very top of the world."

Now this little boy was climbing a pyramid in Mexico and then he said:

"I didn't know what a pyramid was. Not once did I consider the consecrated land upon which it was built, or the powerful ancient society that created it. I knew only that it was overwhelming, magnificent, and must be climbed."

That is the way I am. Right now in my life I am wondering what is there that is overwhelming, magnificent, and must be climbed, achieved, proof that I can do it? It gives me status, self-achievement, it means I am somebody and no one can take that away from me. It is an inner force driving me. What is there to replace that in my life right now? Because I feel that all of that has been taken away from me. What is there left that is me? I feel empty and I am floundering.

Father, I don't believe you want me to give it up. It is who I am, at least a big part of who I am. That drive. That force. That can do attitude. That I can get it done. But maybe, no not maybe, you must channel it. And I guess, which I don't really understand, change my motivation. I do know you can do this. I know you can. I just don't see evidence that you are and/or that it is what you are working on. There is so much stuff in my spirit, mind and heart that comes between you and me. Stuff that is overwhelming to me. You are magnificent in your power. That is part of what attracts me to you, your holiness and power. There is none other. The fact that no one or no being can best you, overcome you is thrilling to me. That is why the song that says "You are God, and that's just the way it is," is so personal and powerful to me.

But that is where the conflict lies. I know that. I know from the very depths of my being. And also in the depths is this desire, this drive to achieve and the thrill and high I get from the process and the achievement. I don't understand how they both can be in concert.

I also know I like living at RobLen and being able to dabble in this or that. Not having to work if I don't want to. Spend time reading. Have the money to repair and improve things on RobLen. Go to lunch and have coffee with friends. Get involved with people in teaching, guiding, or a mentoring capacity. Spend large amounts of time in your Word and with you. Traveling when I want to. Give money away and help people. I like that Father. I would like to keep it up and also work hard to achieve things. Somewhere, somehow there has to be an answer out there and you now what it is.

One thing I do know: As far as I can tell I have about 5 months of money left to live on and then it is gone. What will I do? What should I do now? And there is the fear, the anxiety. The fear of the end of the money and not a clue as to what to do. And I hear your voice speaking to me, "Don't be afraid." The fact of the matter is, I am afraid and I don't know how not to be!