Living in Past/Fear of Future

I am reading the 18th chapter of I Samuel about the beginning of Saul's madness and the relationship between David and Jonathan. Father, the thought came to me again that I live too much in the past and future. While thinking and focusing on the bad things that happened to me in the past and fear of the future, I am missing out on the joy of the present. The thought just came to me that if I knew I had an income in the future, I could be happy and enjoy the present. How that is NOT like what you want me to be. Enjoy the present and let you take care of the future.

I am now in Chapter 20 and the thought just came to me that no where do we see David's thoughts and feelings about Saul's trying to repeatedly kill him and the stress and fear of living under these horrible situations. Then there is a paragraph after David escaped his house to keep Saul's men from killing him. It says: "David made good his escape and went to Samuel at Ramah and told him everything Saul had done to him. Then he and Samuel withdrew to the privacy of Naioth."

So David finally reached out to the man who was his spiritual father. One he could trust and knew was wise. He opened up and told Samuel everything. I'm sure it had to be painfully emotional and intense. I'm sure all the fear, frustration, not understanding and anger came pouring out. He may have even been told things by Samuel that he just didn't want to hear or agree with. Then Samuel and David got off to themselves in private to talk, and again I'm sure, to pray to God. A time of openness, emotion, honesty and seeking God's answer by themselves in private. How wonderful to have that older, wiser mentor. We all need one. God will provide.

Later in chapter 20 is where Jonathan and David are designing a scheme as a sign for David to run, because Saul is truly trying and plotting to kill him (David). Even in all the mayhem, fear for life, anxiety, stress, confusion and frustration, Jonathan tells and reminds David, "Regarding all the things we've discussed, remember that God's in on this with us to the very end." A reminder to me Father. In all that's going on in my life right now, you are in this, and participating or leading it to the very end. Pretty amazing!

I am now reading Chip Ingram's book again, "Good to Great In God's Eyes!" A thought just came to me about Ingram's method of identifying a few people in which to invest my life. When I talk to people about working with them, I need to reveal to them who I truly am on the inside, not just my credentials, but my heart. I know you've said this may be foolishness to them, but that is who I am. I can use Ingram's method to explain myself to them. Faithful Available Teachable. Please show me how to do this Father. Give me insight and clarity. Guide my every word coming from my heart.

Another thought--now, right now, I have an opportunity for you to talk to me, prepare me, season me, mature me, ready me for what you want to accomplish later in my life. Whatever that is. I don't have the pressure of a daily business. I have time. I have money enough to pay our expenses. A great time for you to prepare and teach me. I need to allow that, emotionally, and stop trying to bring it to an end by getting employment. This is, and has been, a rich experience, while at the same time frustrating and fearful. But it is so obvious to me you are "in on this with us to the very end." Step back Robert, relax, let God free in your life and trust and enjoy!

You know what Father? I just recalled, I have had a dream all my adult life. Help people! Impact their lives. Be used by you to have a powerful impact on people's lives. Not indirectly, but directly. Be in a position where I could impart to them "stuff" from you, from life experiences, personal insights to impact their lives. I have wanted that in my career, business, working at church, everywhere. I admit my motivation may not be totally pure, but not all together wrong. I want to impact people's lives greatly, directly and as part of it through their minds. That is my dream. I believe that the most opportune place is in a teaching/mentoring setting. I still believe I am correct, but you may have other totally different means. That is my dream. Directly--not something that just happens along the way in life. That gets me fired up.

Back Home and Still Going

I'm back home now and though I don't have the setting of the mountains and being alone, the intimacy with God, for now continues. This morning I read chapters 16 and 17 of I Samuel. The themes continued from the weekend. As I read about Saul and David, it was primarily about David, I learned a lot about first being confident in you Father. And the motivating factor in what we work to achieve must always be your glory and for your praise. But also, I can be confident in me. I know that sounds wrong, but you gave me many talents and abilities. These abilities I have, gifts, talents you gave me are things inside of me for which I am very thankful. If I deny these and don't use them, I am really telling you that they don't matter and your gifts don't mean much to me. I know where they come from. You gave them to me. But I am responsible for developing them to the best of my ability to use for your glory. These gifts are part of what make me unique. You made me unique.

When David told Saul he would go up against Goliath and fight him, Saul loaded David down with armor and spears and all kinds of paraphernalia. This is what Saul said he needed for fighting and protection. David said he couldn't move and he couldn't fight this way. It just wasn't him. I was impressed with thoughts about how we go up against obstacles and Satan. Everyone is so willing to tell others what to do and how they should fight and what to use for protection. The reality of it is, you use and do what works for you because you are unique. Only God knows the best way for me. Now, he may tell me through others, and I always have to weigh that with his word and also my uniqueness. But even when he tells me in his word what to do and how, there is usually great latitude in adapting to the uniqueness of me.

This may sound like heresy, but I don't mean it that way. God and God's way is always the only right way. What I am saying is there is a way for me to do God's will in God's way that may be very different from others, because I am me. God's handiwork allows that. When I am told to gird myself with a belt and helmet, etc., the way I wear that belt may be different for me than for others. I'm probably being very confusing right now. That happens to me sometimes. The point is, God will make my defenses customized to me in application and I should listen to him, not always at the whim of everyone else.

Father, I was also impressed today in my reading about "Don't Be Afraid." You keep driving that home. "Don't Be Afraid." I realized that I cannot make good decisions, move forward, stay focused, or be productive if I am consistently afraid and fearful. Fear is immobilizing, energy zapping and totally non-productive. You keep driving this home to me and I thank you. Please continue until I get it and it changes me. I am light-hearted again and laugh easily. Until my mind is clear and can focus like a laser on what is important, "Don't Be Afraid." Thank you Father!