I Stand Amazed

Last week I received a call from a gentleman and was told that a dear friend of mine suggested he call me. The gentleman is starting up a web site business and wanted to talk to me about potentially assisting him with writing. So, yesterday morning we met and discussed his vision and expectations. The more we talked, the more excited I became. When we finished, I was driving to a luncheon appointment and started thinking about how God had worked and was amazed and in awe. I just talked to God and let Him know how thankful I am and how amazed I am at His work.

Two years ago, as of March 28th, I left my company due to my position being eliminated. At that time I was confused, angry, and at the same time excited and filled with anticipation of a new life. Emotions were intense and extremely broad and conflicting. But it seemed that no matter what I did, nothing seemed to work out the way I wanted. I could see possibilities and it all looked good and for the most part, my motive and heart were in a good place. But somehow for each new opportunity and positive direction, one by one they failed, were delayed, didn't pan out, whatever. The longer this went on, the more anxious I became. My relationship with my wife began to be strained. Things that we had not faced before came to the surface, and things we had faced just got magnified. We argued and were silent. We prayed and cried and then became angry again and frustrated. It was a very emotional time and one filled with fear and frustration and hope and anticipation.

This occurred off and on for two years. There was always this underlying angst in our lives. We weren't stuck, because we could see that something was going on. We just didn't know what it was. And more importantly, we didn't know where it was headed. At the same time, my mother-in-law was ill and this consumed my wife's emotions, thoughts and time. Each of us, my wife and I, had issues inside of us and between us that really had to be dealt with.

During this time, I began to see direction formulating and taking root. I began to realize that I wanted to write. I wanted to tell God's story and use my life as a framework to do so. Where did that come from? My son and my best friend affirmed me and actually gave me the genesis by suggestion. I began to realize that I did not want to work in a company any more. That was scary, because it is all I had known and with all the benefits and regular pay check was, I guess, as secure as it could be. We had set money aside to start a business and that business, in the format we were doing it, turned out to be something we hated. And the money we set aside to live on and start our business was going to run out as of a certain date. I had no other prospect for any income. But all along the way, little by little, sometimes very, very vague and veiled, I would see God working in our lives. One of the amazing things is that it was in ways we just did not see coming and through events and issues we didn't have any idea would have such an impact. Needless to say it was a roller coaster life for two years.

There is so much more, but that is another "book." And now the amazing part of this chapter. I thought that the only hope I had was to start the business up again, but this time do it very different and with a completely different paradigm. That still is what I am working to do. But then one day I received an email from a friend I really hadn't talked to for some time. He said he was working with an organization as an advisor/strategist to diversify and become more profitable. They wanted to go into the health care industry and he said he believed I could help them and they could help me. Where did that come from? I had spent 28 years in the health insurance industry and that would be great for them to draw on. Out of the blue this came, from someone I had not really talked to for quite some time! I did not see this coming at all. So, after some business and very personal conversations with the owner and my friend, we are now on a path of me assisting them, having an office to go to and get out of my home office, potentially making enough money on a part time basis to cover my personal expenses and have fun doing it.

My personal business "restart" is still out there, but not as much in the forefront as each day passes. It is getting further and further less important, at least for the immediate. Besides there are start-up costs involved and the longer I can delay the more cost effective it is. And now back to the beginning of this writing. Out of the blue comes this telephone call from the gentleman who wants my assistance to write for his new business. What? Again, where did this come from? So, what I have now is a retaining of my services for the new health care market company, writing for this new web site company to encourage people with biblical inspirational thoughts and paragraphs, and the "restarting" of my business. And all three of them providing an income immediate and long term. Two of them completely out of the blue, no thought at all as to doing them on my part and from areas I did not even knew existed. God, you are amazing.

What I have begun to realize so strongly, is that God was much more interested over the past two years in changing me, and my wife. He was much more interested in my character, breaking strongholds I had that kept me in bondage, getting me to trust Him, which is one of the most difficult things for me to do in my life (trusting any one that is), and Him freeing me to be the man He wants me to be. That was His goal over the past two years. And along the way, He used me, my struggles, victories, etc. to help others as I shared my life with them. God, you are amazing!

But let me tell you how vulnerable we can be. This morning I realized I had this nagging thought in the back of my mind that just wouldn't go away and it was troubling. I began questioning. Can I really do this writing in the way that is necessary and the format required? Can I really do this? And also, do I want to do this? It doesn't coincide with my "designed" plans and the way I had laid out. I began to talk to God about it and realized two things were going on here. 1) My own insecurities. Satan was taking advantage of my insecurities and using them against me, robbing me of my joy and taking my mind off of God. Of course I can do this. So, I asked God to get that devil away from me and give me the strength to face my weakness and drive it and take it to Satan. I am not afraid with God's leading the way. 2) My control. This is not the way I planned. This is not the format I had in mind. I wanted to write short stories and books, not paragraphs and thoughts for the day. Oh God, forgive me. You laid this in my lap. You, obviously, want me to take this direction. But my "lack of control" for the way I wanted is getting in the way. I trust you. You are in control. Step back Robert and get out of the way, and just go with it.

You are amazing God. And I stand amazed.