I had been toying with an idea of setting up my own web site to gather leads for selling individual health insurance. I had attended a couple of meetings and seminars for a company that would assist me in doing so. It all sounded very promising and I really liked their approach, their service and their product. The big seminar came up and I went. Now, I wasn't naive about what they were going to do. Get me in there with the other three hundred or so people, spend the day selling me, and then asking me to sign up. I knew that. But I really liked what I saw and believed this might be an opportunity to be in control of getting my leads myself and really growing this business. What actually happened was nothing I had planned on.
Yesterday Father, I received clear direction from you. I attended the seminar for internet selling. This was the third session I had attended. This is a program that really has great potential. I spend all day there and was sold on how it could assist us in getting income with the promise of great revenue. I had to buy the one time license and all the support, etc. that day for six thousand dollars. Huge amount of money, but would have been an investment. My wife and I talked several times over the phone during the day and we were still on target to do it. As I sat in that session late in the afternoon, I prayed to you and asked for clear direction, an answer as to whether we should do it or not. You gave it to me. Immediately, this feeling came over me, this was NOT the right thing to do. I thought about the consulting job that came out of the blue, my wife told me yesterday that she really hated making insurance calls, and I admitted I did too. She was also fearful she wouldn't be able to practice her nursing any more, if we went with this. We had been honest and confronted each other maturely. I realized that what it would require was just not me. I'm not a salesman. I'm an academic. I love to figure out how processes can work better. With no promise of any other income, but a very clear answer from you, I walked out and away. I have peace. Satan is trying to put a wedge between us by playing up the doubt issue and fear that all may not turn out the way I want. I still did the right thing. It was clearly an answer from you, Father. Thank you!
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Even If I Don't Get What I Ask, I Will Be Faithful
I awoke early this morning around 4:30 a.m. and dozed off and on. I hate it when I start thinking negative thoughts and get fearful and anxious. I told myself over and over again as I lie there with these more intense negative thoughts going over and over in my head, that God is with me and will take care of us. I had lapsed back into a self-destructive way of thinking and I hate it when that happens.
Father, I just read in 1 Kings about Solomon and the wealth and glorious temple and palace he built. And about how he prayed in front of all Israel on his knees with hands raised dedicating it all to you. And then your response which said, "All I want from you is obedience, worship and devotion and also from Israel. If you do it, I'll continue to bless. If you don't I'll destroy all you built and scatter Israel." What a reminder that our, my, accomplishments and things I dedicate to you mean nothing if you don't have my heart and obedience. Father, you know I need income. There seems to be an opportunity with this consulting company. I have nothing else going. I see the large expenses keep coming in and our savings going down faster than I'd like. You know all this. I don't know the end or what we'll do in a few months. I only know you promised to take care of us. I see in your Word how you blessed the faithful with more than they had asked or hoped. I see people always having what they need when they need it. So maybe that's it. I have what I need right now. [Satan just tempted me by saying to me, yes, but God didn't provide that, you did.] Putting me in the lead and control. I don't want that Father. I know where the source is. That is you. When I call the recruiter today, I ask you that she'll have good news for me. More importantly, I ask that I'd be obedient to you and be faithful in my service to you. Please Father, take care of us. But like the football coach in the movie "Facing the Giants," but even if I don't get what I ask, I will be faithful. The joy of the Lord is my strength. I sent my son a letter yesterday with my journal writings. I ask that his heart would be tender and he will receive it in the right spirit. Please bless it Father and speak to him through the words.
Father, I love you. And I grow to love you more each day. Even when I go through hard times, I love you. I want to be obedient to your ways. To serve you faithfully with all my heart. Trusting you in all I am and do. Today Father, let it be full of love and joy. Rich in meaning. Pour myself into you and into others. Not be selfish and self-centered. Trusting you for everything. Don't be afraid. This seems to be my plague right now. Fear. And that does not come from you. Perfect love, your love, drives out fear, as I'm told in your Word. Dress me in your perfect love. That is all I see and know and feel.
Father, I just read in 1 Kings about Solomon and the wealth and glorious temple and palace he built. And about how he prayed in front of all Israel on his knees with hands raised dedicating it all to you. And then your response which said, "All I want from you is obedience, worship and devotion and also from Israel. If you do it, I'll continue to bless. If you don't I'll destroy all you built and scatter Israel." What a reminder that our, my, accomplishments and things I dedicate to you mean nothing if you don't have my heart and obedience. Father, you know I need income. There seems to be an opportunity with this consulting company. I have nothing else going. I see the large expenses keep coming in and our savings going down faster than I'd like. You know all this. I don't know the end or what we'll do in a few months. I only know you promised to take care of us. I see in your Word how you blessed the faithful with more than they had asked or hoped. I see people always having what they need when they need it. So maybe that's it. I have what I need right now. [Satan just tempted me by saying to me, yes, but God didn't provide that, you did.] Putting me in the lead and control. I don't want that Father. I know where the source is. That is you. When I call the recruiter today, I ask you that she'll have good news for me. More importantly, I ask that I'd be obedient to you and be faithful in my service to you. Please Father, take care of us. But like the football coach in the movie "Facing the Giants," but even if I don't get what I ask, I will be faithful. The joy of the Lord is my strength. I sent my son a letter yesterday with my journal writings. I ask that his heart would be tender and he will receive it in the right spirit. Please bless it Father and speak to him through the words.
Father, I love you. And I grow to love you more each day. Even when I go through hard times, I love you. I want to be obedient to your ways. To serve you faithfully with all my heart. Trusting you in all I am and do. Today Father, let it be full of love and joy. Rich in meaning. Pour myself into you and into others. Not be selfish and self-centered. Trusting you for everything. Don't be afraid. This seems to be my plague right now. Fear. And that does not come from you. Perfect love, your love, drives out fear, as I'm told in your Word. Dress me in your perfect love. That is all I see and know and feel.
I Have to Have A God-Listening Heart
I'm back in May of 2008 again and resuming my telling of the journey I have been on for the past couple of years. What was nagging in my gut was the impending future of running out of the money I had set aside to live on and not knowing what was going to happen when it did. I had been talking to a company about becoming a consultant for them and everything looked so good. Interviews had gone extremely well. I had even flown to Denver to interview with some executives and gotten word that they wanted me to join their organization. All looked good. That had actually occurred in March, but so far only talk. Looking back on it now, I can see that God had something totally different in store. But then, not a clue. There was only me and an unsure future. So back to May:
I am alone here in the house. It is early. The house is quiet. My wife had just left for work. I started reading The Books of Kings in the Bible this morning. King David has died and Solomon, his son, is the new king. Eugene Peterson says in his introduction:
"...the Hebrew demand of God to have a king was about the worst thing they could have asked for...In the midst of the incredible mess those kings are making of God's purposes, God continues to work his purposes...The rule is worked from within, much of the time invisible and unnoticed, but always patiently and resolutely there."
You are not hindered and thwarted in accomplishing what you want God. I cannot stop you with my disobedience and poor choices in my life, nor anyone in the world. Man is nothing. They think they are with all their intelligence and wealth. But we are nothing. Your desires, your way, what you want will be accomplished no matter what. When you asked Solomon what he wanted and you would give it to him, his request was:
"...here I am God, my God, you have made me, your servant, ruler of the kingdom...I'm too young for this, a mere child!...And here I am, set down in the middle...Here's what I want: Give me a God-listening heart...For who on their own is capable...?"
And your response was such pleasure with Solomon's request. You promised him what he asked plus all the wealth and power he didn't ask for. Then you said:
"...if you stay on course, keeping your eye on the life-map and the God-signs as your father David did, I'll also give you a long life."
Father, I don't pretend to be Solomon, but I see where the desire of my heart must first be a "God-listening heart." Abiding in you no matter what goes on around me or where it leads. Humbly seeking to do what you want. Listening to your Spirit as you guide me. All in my life will be an opportunity for learning and growth as I surrender myself to your use and will. Whatever that may be, wherever it leads, my first desire. In the beginning of The Book of Kings it says "Solomon loved God." I love you Father. I awoke this morning with a phrase going over in my head "Strength will rise as we wait upon the lord. We will wait upon the Lord, wait upon the Lord." You're telling me to trust you and wait for you to lead, work, show me, work out your will. And while that is going on, I will have strength growing from inside. I will become stronger for anything you want me to be and do. I want a "God-listening heart."
I am alone here in the house. It is early. The house is quiet. My wife had just left for work. I started reading The Books of Kings in the Bible this morning. King David has died and Solomon, his son, is the new king. Eugene Peterson says in his introduction:
"...the Hebrew demand of God to have a king was about the worst thing they could have asked for...In the midst of the incredible mess those kings are making of God's purposes, God continues to work his purposes...The rule is worked from within, much of the time invisible and unnoticed, but always patiently and resolutely there."
You are not hindered and thwarted in accomplishing what you want God. I cannot stop you with my disobedience and poor choices in my life, nor anyone in the world. Man is nothing. They think they are with all their intelligence and wealth. But we are nothing. Your desires, your way, what you want will be accomplished no matter what. When you asked Solomon what he wanted and you would give it to him, his request was:
"...here I am God, my God, you have made me, your servant, ruler of the kingdom...I'm too young for this, a mere child!...And here I am, set down in the middle...Here's what I want: Give me a God-listening heart...For who on their own is capable...?"
And your response was such pleasure with Solomon's request. You promised him what he asked plus all the wealth and power he didn't ask for. Then you said:
"...if you stay on course, keeping your eye on the life-map and the God-signs as your father David did, I'll also give you a long life."
Father, I don't pretend to be Solomon, but I see where the desire of my heart must first be a "God-listening heart." Abiding in you no matter what goes on around me or where it leads. Humbly seeking to do what you want. Listening to your Spirit as you guide me. All in my life will be an opportunity for learning and growth as I surrender myself to your use and will. Whatever that may be, wherever it leads, my first desire. In the beginning of The Book of Kings it says "Solomon loved God." I love you Father. I awoke this morning with a phrase going over in my head "Strength will rise as we wait upon the lord. We will wait upon the Lord, wait upon the Lord." You're telling me to trust you and wait for you to lead, work, show me, work out your will. And while that is going on, I will have strength growing from inside. I will become stronger for anything you want me to be and do. I want a "God-listening heart."
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Cruciform Love in the Here and Now
I just finished reading a book entitled "Broken Down House" by Paul Tripp. In this book there is a chapter on determining to love as Christ modeled. At the end of this chapter Tripp talks about how we as Christians must love with a "cross-shaped love." He gives in very functional and practical terms what it means to be committed to being an instrument of "cross-shaped love." They are too good and, oh my, so indicting that I can't help but share them. As you read, examine your heart and life. I did, and I am ashamed and shocked at how far short I fall from what God wants of me in my love. Here they are:
It means not keeping yourself so busy with you and yours that you have no practical time to love others.
It means being committed to knowing people, because you can minister only in very limited ways to those whom you do not know.
It means being willing to have your life complicated by the needs and struggles of others.
It means being willing to share your physical resources with others.
It means being willing to live with an open home.
It means being perseverant and patient even when the love you give is not returned.
It means actively looking for places where you can function as one of God's tools of love
It means resisting the temptation to be judgmental, self-righteous, and critical.
It means overlooking minor offenses and fighting the temptation to become bitter or cynical.
It means making life decisions out of a recognition of this inescapable call to love.
It means being lovingly and humbly honest in moments of misunderstanding more committed to reconciliation than to being right.
It means admitting that you are still learning to love as you have been loved.
It means being willing to own up to your sin and admit your faults.
It means not judging the success of your life by the size of your house or bank account, or by the quality of your car, but by the quality of your love for God and others.
It means regularly examining the motivations, desires, and thoughts of your heart in the mirror of God's Word.
It means moving beyond simply surrounding yourself with people whom you find comfortable and likeable.
It means being a student of God's Word, a joyful participant in the means of grace, and a committed participant in the fellowship of the body of Christ, so that the love you offer others may be increasingly pure and mature.
It means being willing to be misunderstood, mistreated, and misrepresented for the sake of incarnating Christ's love.
It means overcoming evil with good.
It means not letting race, social class, gender, age, or ethnicity get in the way of a biblical call to Christlike love.
It means being willing to have your schedule and plans interrupted or altered.
It means paying attention to the physical, emotional, and spiritual needs of the people God puts in your path, and looking for ways to help them bear these burdens.
It means believing that God will not call you to a task without giving you what you need to accomplish it.
It means being willing to get up earlier and stay up later.
It means learning the details about someone's struggle so that you can love wisely, while at the same time guarding the reputation of the person you are loving.
It means weeping with the one who weeps and rejoicing with the one who rejoices.
It means being willing to endure tense and uncomfortable situations lovingly.
It means not allowing yourself plausible excuses that seemingly free you from love's call.
It means making a commitment to being a faithful friend.
It means being willing to take on big things, even as you humbly admit your limits.
It means keeping your promises and being faithful to your word.
It means being open to correction, loving criticism, and godly rebuke.
It means believing in the body of Christ and recognizing that you are but one of the tools in God's big toolbox of redemption.
It means being open to counsel and receptive to advice.
It means being willing to go to bed tired and to awake to another day of calling.
It means hiding God's Word in your heart and keeping his Kingdom always before your eyes.
It means refusing to become anyone's substitute messiah, but instead to point people to the presence and grace of Jesus.
It really does mean looking out not only for your own interests, but also for the interests of others.
It means building relationships, not just for the purpose of being relationally comfortable, but so that those relationships would be a workroom for redemption.
It means loving people in such a way that they never feel like they are in debt to you.
It means remembering that you are more like than unlike the people you are called to love.
It means understanding that the call to love is a call to both word and deed.
It means daily remembering Jesus, being in awe of the gift of his love, and living thankfully.
It means not keeping yourself so busy with you and yours that you have no practical time to love others.
It means being committed to knowing people, because you can minister only in very limited ways to those whom you do not know.
It means being willing to have your life complicated by the needs and struggles of others.
It means being willing to share your physical resources with others.
It means being willing to live with an open home.
It means being perseverant and patient even when the love you give is not returned.
It means actively looking for places where you can function as one of God's tools of love
It means resisting the temptation to be judgmental, self-righteous, and critical.
It means overlooking minor offenses and fighting the temptation to become bitter or cynical.
It means making life decisions out of a recognition of this inescapable call to love.
It means being lovingly and humbly honest in moments of misunderstanding more committed to reconciliation than to being right.
It means admitting that you are still learning to love as you have been loved.
It means being willing to own up to your sin and admit your faults.
It means not judging the success of your life by the size of your house or bank account, or by the quality of your car, but by the quality of your love for God and others.
It means regularly examining the motivations, desires, and thoughts of your heart in the mirror of God's Word.
It means moving beyond simply surrounding yourself with people whom you find comfortable and likeable.
It means being a student of God's Word, a joyful participant in the means of grace, and a committed participant in the fellowship of the body of Christ, so that the love you offer others may be increasingly pure and mature.
It means being willing to be misunderstood, mistreated, and misrepresented for the sake of incarnating Christ's love.
It means overcoming evil with good.
It means not letting race, social class, gender, age, or ethnicity get in the way of a biblical call to Christlike love.
It means being willing to have your schedule and plans interrupted or altered.
It means paying attention to the physical, emotional, and spiritual needs of the people God puts in your path, and looking for ways to help them bear these burdens.
It means believing that God will not call you to a task without giving you what you need to accomplish it.
It means being willing to get up earlier and stay up later.
It means learning the details about someone's struggle so that you can love wisely, while at the same time guarding the reputation of the person you are loving.
It means weeping with the one who weeps and rejoicing with the one who rejoices.
It means being willing to endure tense and uncomfortable situations lovingly.
It means not allowing yourself plausible excuses that seemingly free you from love's call.
It means making a commitment to being a faithful friend.
It means being willing to take on big things, even as you humbly admit your limits.
It means keeping your promises and being faithful to your word.
It means being open to correction, loving criticism, and godly rebuke.
It means believing in the body of Christ and recognizing that you are but one of the tools in God's big toolbox of redemption.
It means being open to counsel and receptive to advice.
It means being willing to go to bed tired and to awake to another day of calling.
It means hiding God's Word in your heart and keeping his Kingdom always before your eyes.
It means refusing to become anyone's substitute messiah, but instead to point people to the presence and grace of Jesus.
It really does mean looking out not only for your own interests, but also for the interests of others.
It means building relationships, not just for the purpose of being relationally comfortable, but so that those relationships would be a workroom for redemption.
It means loving people in such a way that they never feel like they are in debt to you.
It means remembering that you are more like than unlike the people you are called to love.
It means understanding that the call to love is a call to both word and deed.
It means daily remembering Jesus, being in awe of the gift of his love, and living thankfully.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Open the Book of My Heart to God's Eyes
It is a beautiful morning. I'm at home sitting in the library at my favorite place by the window, looking out over the country lane. How blue, green and bright everything looks. My wife has left for work so I am alone. The house is quiet and I am reflecting with my Father. I just finished reading 2 Samuel.
Father, there are several things in these passages I really don't understand, but there are so many more that I do and are extremely important. David's song to you speaks to me also and for me. I know how he feels. How real and beautiful it is. David says you tested him. Some horrible things happened. There were some really stupid, disobedient things David did that caused great harm not only to him but to so many other people. And you severely punished David for them. But, oh, how you loved him.
Father, where am I going? What's happening in my life? You alone know the future, I certainly don't. I've laid it all before you as much as I know how and asked you to direct my paths. And I'm trusting in you that where it goes or whatever happens, it will be what you want and I'll follow in faith and trust.
One of the passages I read says:
"God made my life complete
when I placed all the pieces before him.
When I cleaned up my act
he gave me a fresh start....
I feel put back together,
and I'm watching my step.
God rewrote the text of my life
when I opened the book of my heart to his eyes."
That's the way I feel, Father. You did that for me. But first, before you could do anything, I had to open "the book of my heart to [your] eyes." It took a really long time, much pain, suffering, hard times, humiliation, and anger. But you kept at me. And even though I know it still continues and will continue, I can look back and see it. I can say along with David, "I feel put back together."
Hallelujah! To the Lord of Heaven and Earth!
Father, there are several things in these passages I really don't understand, but there are so many more that I do and are extremely important. David's song to you speaks to me also and for me. I know how he feels. How real and beautiful it is. David says you tested him. Some horrible things happened. There were some really stupid, disobedient things David did that caused great harm not only to him but to so many other people. And you severely punished David for them. But, oh, how you loved him.
Father, where am I going? What's happening in my life? You alone know the future, I certainly don't. I've laid it all before you as much as I know how and asked you to direct my paths. And I'm trusting in you that where it goes or whatever happens, it will be what you want and I'll follow in faith and trust.
One of the passages I read says:
"God made my life complete
when I placed all the pieces before him.
When I cleaned up my act
he gave me a fresh start....
I feel put back together,
and I'm watching my step.
God rewrote the text of my life
when I opened the book of my heart to his eyes."
That's the way I feel, Father. You did that for me. But first, before you could do anything, I had to open "the book of my heart to [your] eyes." It took a really long time, much pain, suffering, hard times, humiliation, and anger. But you kept at me. And even though I know it still continues and will continue, I can look back and see it. I can say along with David, "I feel put back together."
Hallelujah! To the Lord of Heaven and Earth!
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
God Undoes what the World Does
It is utterly amazing to me how one can change so dramatically in so quick a time. One week ago I was tenuous and telling you Father how desperate I was and how I found it so hard to be what you want me to be. Not that I've arrived, but my whole attitude, spirit and will are different. Aren't we just such fickle people? I really don't understand myself most of the time. But regardless, I am at a wonderful place right now. I don't know what tomorrow holds or even how I'll be tomorrow, but today, I'm with you.
Father, my God! How wonderful you are. your power of influence and conviction is beyond anyone. The way you change hearts and convict is beyond belief. If it were not for my own experience, I would be credulous. Your sweep of ownership extends infinitely. There was no beginning for you. There is no end. Man and creation may try to best you, reduce you, control you, but it cannot be done. We are nothing but small-minded nothings thinking we're intelligent and powerful. But only what you allow.
My God! With all of this, to be able to call you my Father is beyond amazing. You are God! And that's just the way it is. Thank you Father for what you have done in my life. How you have grown me to be the man you desire for me. To undo what life and bad experiences have done to me. Thank you for the Word through the Bible. The power of it has to change people. Thank you for these stories of real people and real events and your leading in their lives, whether they knew it or not. Thank you for showing us how we live, still today, and what can be expected from it, good or bad. Thank you for showing us how involved you are in all aspects of life, regardless of our acknowledgment. Thank you for showing that man has no control over you and in this world you win, and we think we have such power and control.
I say it this way because in everything, in your world, there is no battle, winner, loser. There is only you and everything is powered by you. It is how things are and life, ways of life, are like you and powered by you in complete freedom. There is no comparison of anything else. This "way", your way, can begin on this earth, surely with spits and starts, but it can. It is your kingdom on this earth. We live here, becoming increasingly more like you and living in your world and being in your world and little by little being more comfortable with it. Of course we rebel almost all the time. But you know, it doesn't matter. We're the ones who suffer and have a hard life. You don't change. It is totally our choice. Oh, how stupid we are. The one thing that will never, ever change and is all powerful, we think we have some say so over it. The only choice we make is to decide whether we want to do it your way or not. And if we don't, we're always the one to suffer for it. Always!
We are transported from this earthbound world to your Spirit world when You are acknowledged. This acknowledgment is the key to opening that door into your Spirit world. The permission to walk through that door is the death, blood and resurrection of the man Jesus the Christ. Your entire being formed into this man. You provided the key. You are the key. You provided it yourself. It is your invitation to join you in your Spirit world. That alone is the real world, infinitely. Always was and always will be. Another dimension into which we can enter by accepting the invitation of Jesus the Christ, who paid the entrance fee. All else here on earth is a distraction from your world. Satan set it up to rob you of me and all others from you, if we don't choose you over him.
All is going according to your plan. When you look at this eternal life that is all around me, what really do you have to lose by being counter-world? Nothing! It's already lost. I don't live in it any more. Only my body is here. My soul and spirit have already entered into your eternal world, the other dimension, the real dimension. This earth is really an add on, created out of love by you for man's enjoyment. Because purity is all that can be tolerated by you and can live in the true eternal dimension, man had to be free to choose when presented with an option. We could not be coerced or without choice. That would not be pure. That is why we really don't need to be so focused on Satan in our lives. We have already been freed from him. We are pure, because we made the choice, not by anything we have done, but by what you have done. We just have to choose you and believe.
From a spiritual, eternal God dimension, absolutely nothing will happen to us. It is only earthly, human results of our sin and yielding to the temptations of Satan. I do not need to be afraid. Satan cannot touch me. You cover and protect me if I'll let you on earth. My dwelling place is not here. I live, already live, with you in your infinite eternal dimension, home! I'm just confined and bound in this flesh body and constrained by the limitations of earth. That is why you have grace extended. This is temporary. It is your way of saying, "Don't worry, you're with me in my dimension, living with me for eternity. You're already here! Your soul, your spirit are mine right now. So don't get so hung up by failures on that earth. You are only there for a short period. Continue transforming into my world, my dimension, my way. You'll be so much better off."
"And then when your body dies, you won't be bound any more. Your life will blossom into what I longed for all along. But understand, you are here with me now! That is so important for you to believe and understand. Because of that, you won't worry about things on earth, just accept them and move on. Its only temporary. Who really cares? As long as you continually take on my life and learn how to live in my dimension, eternity, you won't have any problems. I'll take care of everything. I do now. I am God! I rule eternity."
"You live in my world today with me, because Jesus the Christ paid your admission fee. And when he offered it to you, you accepted it. Have fun, enjoy your life, continue to learn how to live in my dimension, because it is really the only one. All else is fake. I'll teach you, show you the ropes, and even change you as you live. This is your world. Welcome to it!" John 6:61-64a; 16:33
Father, my God! How wonderful you are. your power of influence and conviction is beyond anyone. The way you change hearts and convict is beyond belief. If it were not for my own experience, I would be credulous. Your sweep of ownership extends infinitely. There was no beginning for you. There is no end. Man and creation may try to best you, reduce you, control you, but it cannot be done. We are nothing but small-minded nothings thinking we're intelligent and powerful. But only what you allow.
My God! With all of this, to be able to call you my Father is beyond amazing. You are God! And that's just the way it is. Thank you Father for what you have done in my life. How you have grown me to be the man you desire for me. To undo what life and bad experiences have done to me. Thank you for the Word through the Bible. The power of it has to change people. Thank you for these stories of real people and real events and your leading in their lives, whether they knew it or not. Thank you for showing us how we live, still today, and what can be expected from it, good or bad. Thank you for showing us how involved you are in all aspects of life, regardless of our acknowledgment. Thank you for showing that man has no control over you and in this world you win, and we think we have such power and control.
I say it this way because in everything, in your world, there is no battle, winner, loser. There is only you and everything is powered by you. It is how things are and life, ways of life, are like you and powered by you in complete freedom. There is no comparison of anything else. This "way", your way, can begin on this earth, surely with spits and starts, but it can. It is your kingdom on this earth. We live here, becoming increasingly more like you and living in your world and being in your world and little by little being more comfortable with it. Of course we rebel almost all the time. But you know, it doesn't matter. We're the ones who suffer and have a hard life. You don't change. It is totally our choice. Oh, how stupid we are. The one thing that will never, ever change and is all powerful, we think we have some say so over it. The only choice we make is to decide whether we want to do it your way or not. And if we don't, we're always the one to suffer for it. Always!
We are transported from this earthbound world to your Spirit world when You are acknowledged. This acknowledgment is the key to opening that door into your Spirit world. The permission to walk through that door is the death, blood and resurrection of the man Jesus the Christ. Your entire being formed into this man. You provided the key. You are the key. You provided it yourself. It is your invitation to join you in your Spirit world. That alone is the real world, infinitely. Always was and always will be. Another dimension into which we can enter by accepting the invitation of Jesus the Christ, who paid the entrance fee. All else here on earth is a distraction from your world. Satan set it up to rob you of me and all others from you, if we don't choose you over him.
All is going according to your plan. When you look at this eternal life that is all around me, what really do you have to lose by being counter-world? Nothing! It's already lost. I don't live in it any more. Only my body is here. My soul and spirit have already entered into your eternal world, the other dimension, the real dimension. This earth is really an add on, created out of love by you for man's enjoyment. Because purity is all that can be tolerated by you and can live in the true eternal dimension, man had to be free to choose when presented with an option. We could not be coerced or without choice. That would not be pure. That is why we really don't need to be so focused on Satan in our lives. We have already been freed from him. We are pure, because we made the choice, not by anything we have done, but by what you have done. We just have to choose you and believe.
From a spiritual, eternal God dimension, absolutely nothing will happen to us. It is only earthly, human results of our sin and yielding to the temptations of Satan. I do not need to be afraid. Satan cannot touch me. You cover and protect me if I'll let you on earth. My dwelling place is not here. I live, already live, with you in your infinite eternal dimension, home! I'm just confined and bound in this flesh body and constrained by the limitations of earth. That is why you have grace extended. This is temporary. It is your way of saying, "Don't worry, you're with me in my dimension, living with me for eternity. You're already here! Your soul, your spirit are mine right now. So don't get so hung up by failures on that earth. You are only there for a short period. Continue transforming into my world, my dimension, my way. You'll be so much better off."
"And then when your body dies, you won't be bound any more. Your life will blossom into what I longed for all along. But understand, you are here with me now! That is so important for you to believe and understand. Because of that, you won't worry about things on earth, just accept them and move on. Its only temporary. Who really cares? As long as you continually take on my life and learn how to live in my dimension, eternity, you won't have any problems. I'll take care of everything. I do now. I am God! I rule eternity."
"You live in my world today with me, because Jesus the Christ paid your admission fee. And when he offered it to you, you accepted it. Have fun, enjoy your life, continue to learn how to live in my dimension, because it is really the only one. All else is fake. I'll teach you, show you the ropes, and even change you as you live. This is your world. Welcome to it!" John 6:61-64a; 16:33
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Intimacy of God with Me
Chapters 28-31 of I Samuel in the Bible are classic examples of events unfolding on the earth, everyday, intimate events and people not knowing why and seeing inequities, being frustrated, fearful and not know you Father are directing it the whole time. What a lesson I need to learn. It is so hard. I wonder if there is a reason why I read what I did this morning, possibly? But overall I have to trust you that you are in control of not only my life, but all events of the world, great and small.
Father, it is still hard on me to not be disappointed and fearful. So hard. But I am getting better. You give. You take away. You raise people up. You take them down. You control everything. Nothing happens that you aren't aware of. You know everything about me to how many hairs are on my head (now for me that may not be hard). A bird doesn't fall from the sky that you don't know about it. How intimate and involved is that?
Father, you know how I need income. You know I can't afford to keep this house after a period of time. You know it would be really hard to sell it at this time. So I have to trust you. Strengthen me Father. Give me a strong, solid, firm foundation of faith and trust. Not wavering. Not turning to you in time of need, but a continuous trust in my life.
I don't want to be a person who turns to you. I want you to be ever-present in my life with a free, smooth-flowing dependence on you. No different in time of need than in time of plenty. My reliance and relationship should be the same. Even when I say I "turn" to you, that implies I wasn't going in your direction, or you aren't in me as one. And I don't want that.
David is a great example: David and his men returned to their city after losing an intense battle with many dead, being disappointed and frustrated with what they thought was doing the right thing and doing what they do best. Upon return, their city had been burned, destroyed, all their wealth gone, and their families captured and gone as well. They were in intense emotional pain. The Bible says "...David and his men burst out in loud wails...wept and wept until they were exhausted with weeping...Suddenly David was in even worse trouble..There was talk among the men, bitter over the loss of their families, of stoning him...David strengthened himself with trust in his God...David prayed to God, 'Shall I go after these raiders? Can I catch them?'...The answer came!"
What? Wait a minute! Now, wait a minute Father! This is huge for me! This is a no-brainer. Of course you go after them. Why in the world would one ever stop and ask that question of you Father? But he did! He stopped and talked to you about it! Amazing! Why? Why stop and ask you? Huge lesson! David didn't turn to you--it just says, "David strengthened himself." And he did this by having a conversation with you.
I am amazed at the level of intimacy David had with you. Even after failing at leadership, seeing men he loved and for which he had responsibility killed because of his decision. After seeing his city destroyed because of what he believed to be the right thing to do. After losing his family and all the men in his charge experiencing this intense loss as well, he asked you if he should go after the marauders, the enemy, and will he catch them. It flowed. It wasn't an emotional battle and difficult. It was just like breathing. Your answer, your input, your guidance, your strength was his first thought. I am amazed at this level of intimacy with you. You truly were in his life and his life was in yours. I am amazed. Oh Father, how I want that level of intimacy with you.
Father, it is still hard on me to not be disappointed and fearful. So hard. But I am getting better. You give. You take away. You raise people up. You take them down. You control everything. Nothing happens that you aren't aware of. You know everything about me to how many hairs are on my head (now for me that may not be hard). A bird doesn't fall from the sky that you don't know about it. How intimate and involved is that?
Father, you know how I need income. You know I can't afford to keep this house after a period of time. You know it would be really hard to sell it at this time. So I have to trust you. Strengthen me Father. Give me a strong, solid, firm foundation of faith and trust. Not wavering. Not turning to you in time of need, but a continuous trust in my life.
I don't want to be a person who turns to you. I want you to be ever-present in my life with a free, smooth-flowing dependence on you. No different in time of need than in time of plenty. My reliance and relationship should be the same. Even when I say I "turn" to you, that implies I wasn't going in your direction, or you aren't in me as one. And I don't want that.
David is a great example: David and his men returned to their city after losing an intense battle with many dead, being disappointed and frustrated with what they thought was doing the right thing and doing what they do best. Upon return, their city had been burned, destroyed, all their wealth gone, and their families captured and gone as well. They were in intense emotional pain. The Bible says "...David and his men burst out in loud wails...wept and wept until they were exhausted with weeping...Suddenly David was in even worse trouble..There was talk among the men, bitter over the loss of their families, of stoning him...David strengthened himself with trust in his God...David prayed to God, 'Shall I go after these raiders? Can I catch them?'...The answer came!"
What? Wait a minute! Now, wait a minute Father! This is huge for me! This is a no-brainer. Of course you go after them. Why in the world would one ever stop and ask that question of you Father? But he did! He stopped and talked to you about it! Amazing! Why? Why stop and ask you? Huge lesson! David didn't turn to you--it just says, "David strengthened himself." And he did this by having a conversation with you.
I am amazed at the level of intimacy David had with you. Even after failing at leadership, seeing men he loved and for which he had responsibility killed because of his decision. After seeing his city destroyed because of what he believed to be the right thing to do. After losing his family and all the men in his charge experiencing this intense loss as well, he asked you if he should go after the marauders, the enemy, and will he catch them. It flowed. It wasn't an emotional battle and difficult. It was just like breathing. Your answer, your input, your guidance, your strength was his first thought. I am amazed at this level of intimacy with you. You truly were in his life and his life was in yours. I am amazed. Oh Father, how I want that level of intimacy with you.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
God's World
Coming back to the present for just a bit. I had to get this down because it just keeps nagging me and I mean that in an exceptionally good way. I awoke this morning about 4:30 a.m. and knew there just was no more sleep in me. I came into the library and began reading the Bible from The Message. I read the book of Ruth and then read the introduction to 1 Samuel. I love Eugene Peterson's introductions to the books in the Bible. I get so much insight from them. Well, in his introduction to 1 Samuel it really spoke to me, because it was just where my thoughts and heart were last night, again. I think God is speaking to me and trying really hard to get my attention on this matter. It just keeps recurring at different times and in different situations.
Here are the statements Peterson makes that really spoke to my mind and my heart:
The question keeps coming back to me, "Why would I do all the things God asks or commands me to do? It can't be just to do the right thing, although that is good in a smaller context. But ultimately, it is really larger than that. God's world, spirit, is where the truth is. Even saying that limits it. In God's world there is no truth. By saying truth it lays out that there must be false. And that is not in God's world. We only have to set this truth/false concept up and do this in our world (human).
God wants me to live in that world, his world. Transcend human, so to speak, and live there, spirit. That's what Jesus did. Humanness was an encumbrance and a limitation. It was and is a prevention or deterrent to truly living in God's world. But nonetheless a world in which God wants me to live. All the revelation, stories and instruction in the Bible are to get me there.
This realization is the 'transforming' that Paul talks about. It's not just changing our lives so we can live better in this world. In fact we are told the opposite. The more we transform our lives into God's spirit world, the harder it will be on us in this world. But, the more peaceful and settled we will be in our heart, because our hearts will be less at war with God and the spirit.
The transforming of our lives is transcending us out of the human world and more into God's spirit world where he wants me to be. That transformation is the key to unlocking the doors and allowing us in, incrementally, little by little, to God's world, the true world and the eternal world. This is where we are headed ultimately, because of Jesus' work on the cross, his resurrection and our acceptance of it. But God doesn't want to wait for that. He wants us to transformationally move more to his world in our living each day until our bodies die or Jesus comes again.
Oh my, how that gives meaning to our lives as we live on this earth, encumbered and limited by humanness. Romans 12:1-2 is the complete explanation of this. Two short verses that explain completely what God is all about, once we accept Jesus' work for us. This is huge for me. I mean huge. It is the answer for all time about God's relationship to those who accept his Son's work on this earth for us. The only answer.
I must, repeat must, look at God in this way. My perspective must be that of Christ: eternal, spiritual, his world looking into ours, not ours looking into God's. That will dramatically change my life.
Here are the statements Peterson makes that really spoke to my mind and my heart:
- We don't have to fit into prefabricated moral or mental or religious boxes before we are admitted into the company of God--we are taken seriously just as we are and given a place in his story, for it is, after all, his story.
- None of us is the leading character in the story of life.
- The biblical way is not so much to present a moral code and tell us "Live up to this...Think like this and you will live well."
- The biblical way is to tell a story and invite us, "Live into this. This is what it looks like to be human...This is what is involved in entering and maturing as human beings."
- We do violence to the biblical revelation when we use it for what we can get out of it or what we think will provide color and spice to our otherwise bland lives.
- That results in a kind of "boutique spirituality"--God as decoration, God as enhancement.
- ...we are not being led to see God in our stories, but to see our stories in God's.
- God is the larger context and plot in which our stories find themselves.
The question keeps coming back to me, "Why would I do all the things God asks or commands me to do? It can't be just to do the right thing, although that is good in a smaller context. But ultimately, it is really larger than that. God's world, spirit, is where the truth is. Even saying that limits it. In God's world there is no truth. By saying truth it lays out that there must be false. And that is not in God's world. We only have to set this truth/false concept up and do this in our world (human).
God wants me to live in that world, his world. Transcend human, so to speak, and live there, spirit. That's what Jesus did. Humanness was an encumbrance and a limitation. It was and is a prevention or deterrent to truly living in God's world. But nonetheless a world in which God wants me to live. All the revelation, stories and instruction in the Bible are to get me there.
This realization is the 'transforming' that Paul talks about. It's not just changing our lives so we can live better in this world. In fact we are told the opposite. The more we transform our lives into God's spirit world, the harder it will be on us in this world. But, the more peaceful and settled we will be in our heart, because our hearts will be less at war with God and the spirit.
The transforming of our lives is transcending us out of the human world and more into God's spirit world where he wants me to be. That transformation is the key to unlocking the doors and allowing us in, incrementally, little by little, to God's world, the true world and the eternal world. This is where we are headed ultimately, because of Jesus' work on the cross, his resurrection and our acceptance of it. But God doesn't want to wait for that. He wants us to transformationally move more to his world in our living each day until our bodies die or Jesus comes again.
Oh my, how that gives meaning to our lives as we live on this earth, encumbered and limited by humanness. Romans 12:1-2 is the complete explanation of this. Two short verses that explain completely what God is all about, once we accept Jesus' work for us. This is huge for me. I mean huge. It is the answer for all time about God's relationship to those who accept his Son's work on this earth for us. The only answer.
I must, repeat must, look at God in this way. My perspective must be that of Christ: eternal, spiritual, his world looking into ours, not ours looking into God's. That will dramatically change my life.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Living in Past/Fear of Future
I am reading the 18th chapter of I Samuel about the beginning of Saul's madness and the relationship between David and Jonathan. Father, the thought came to me again that I live too much in the past and future. While thinking and focusing on the bad things that happened to me in the past and fear of the future, I am missing out on the joy of the present. The thought just came to me that if I knew I had an income in the future, I could be happy and enjoy the present. How that is NOT like what you want me to be. Enjoy the present and let you take care of the future.
I am now in Chapter 20 and the thought just came to me that no where do we see David's thoughts and feelings about Saul's trying to repeatedly kill him and the stress and fear of living under these horrible situations. Then there is a paragraph after David escaped his house to keep Saul's men from killing him. It says: "David made good his escape and went to Samuel at Ramah and told him everything Saul had done to him. Then he and Samuel withdrew to the privacy of Naioth."
So David finally reached out to the man who was his spiritual father. One he could trust and knew was wise. He opened up and told Samuel everything. I'm sure it had to be painfully emotional and intense. I'm sure all the fear, frustration, not understanding and anger came pouring out. He may have even been told things by Samuel that he just didn't want to hear or agree with. Then Samuel and David got off to themselves in private to talk, and again I'm sure, to pray to God. A time of openness, emotion, honesty and seeking God's answer by themselves in private. How wonderful to have that older, wiser mentor. We all need one. God will provide.
Later in chapter 20 is where Jonathan and David are designing a scheme as a sign for David to run, because Saul is truly trying and plotting to kill him (David). Even in all the mayhem, fear for life, anxiety, stress, confusion and frustration, Jonathan tells and reminds David, "Regarding all the things we've discussed, remember that God's in on this with us to the very end." A reminder to me Father. In all that's going on in my life right now, you are in this, and participating or leading it to the very end. Pretty amazing!
I am now reading Chip Ingram's book again, "Good to Great In God's Eyes!" A thought just came to me about Ingram's method of identifying a few people in which to invest my life. When I talk to people about working with them, I need to reveal to them who I truly am on the inside, not just my credentials, but my heart. I know you've said this may be foolishness to them, but that is who I am. I can use Ingram's method to explain myself to them. Faithful Available Teachable. Please show me how to do this Father. Give me insight and clarity. Guide my every word coming from my heart.
Another thought--now, right now, I have an opportunity for you to talk to me, prepare me, season me, mature me, ready me for what you want to accomplish later in my life. Whatever that is. I don't have the pressure of a daily business. I have time. I have money enough to pay our expenses. A great time for you to prepare and teach me. I need to allow that, emotionally, and stop trying to bring it to an end by getting employment. This is, and has been, a rich experience, while at the same time frustrating and fearful. But it is so obvious to me you are "in on this with us to the very end." Step back Robert, relax, let God free in your life and trust and enjoy!
You know what Father? I just recalled, I have had a dream all my adult life. Help people! Impact their lives. Be used by you to have a powerful impact on people's lives. Not indirectly, but directly. Be in a position where I could impart to them "stuff" from you, from life experiences, personal insights to impact their lives. I have wanted that in my career, business, working at church, everywhere. I admit my motivation may not be totally pure, but not all together wrong. I want to impact people's lives greatly, directly and as part of it through their minds. That is my dream. I believe that the most opportune place is in a teaching/mentoring setting. I still believe I am correct, but you may have other totally different means. That is my dream. Directly--not something that just happens along the way in life. That gets me fired up.
I am now in Chapter 20 and the thought just came to me that no where do we see David's thoughts and feelings about Saul's trying to repeatedly kill him and the stress and fear of living under these horrible situations. Then there is a paragraph after David escaped his house to keep Saul's men from killing him. It says: "David made good his escape and went to Samuel at Ramah and told him everything Saul had done to him. Then he and Samuel withdrew to the privacy of Naioth."
So David finally reached out to the man who was his spiritual father. One he could trust and knew was wise. He opened up and told Samuel everything. I'm sure it had to be painfully emotional and intense. I'm sure all the fear, frustration, not understanding and anger came pouring out. He may have even been told things by Samuel that he just didn't want to hear or agree with. Then Samuel and David got off to themselves in private to talk, and again I'm sure, to pray to God. A time of openness, emotion, honesty and seeking God's answer by themselves in private. How wonderful to have that older, wiser mentor. We all need one. God will provide.
Later in chapter 20 is where Jonathan and David are designing a scheme as a sign for David to run, because Saul is truly trying and plotting to kill him (David). Even in all the mayhem, fear for life, anxiety, stress, confusion and frustration, Jonathan tells and reminds David, "Regarding all the things we've discussed, remember that God's in on this with us to the very end." A reminder to me Father. In all that's going on in my life right now, you are in this, and participating or leading it to the very end. Pretty amazing!
I am now reading Chip Ingram's book again, "Good to Great In God's Eyes!" A thought just came to me about Ingram's method of identifying a few people in which to invest my life. When I talk to people about working with them, I need to reveal to them who I truly am on the inside, not just my credentials, but my heart. I know you've said this may be foolishness to them, but that is who I am. I can use Ingram's method to explain myself to them. Faithful Available Teachable. Please show me how to do this Father. Give me insight and clarity. Guide my every word coming from my heart.
Another thought--now, right now, I have an opportunity for you to talk to me, prepare me, season me, mature me, ready me for what you want to accomplish later in my life. Whatever that is. I don't have the pressure of a daily business. I have time. I have money enough to pay our expenses. A great time for you to prepare and teach me. I need to allow that, emotionally, and stop trying to bring it to an end by getting employment. This is, and has been, a rich experience, while at the same time frustrating and fearful. But it is so obvious to me you are "in on this with us to the very end." Step back Robert, relax, let God free in your life and trust and enjoy!
You know what Father? I just recalled, I have had a dream all my adult life. Help people! Impact their lives. Be used by you to have a powerful impact on people's lives. Not indirectly, but directly. Be in a position where I could impart to them "stuff" from you, from life experiences, personal insights to impact their lives. I have wanted that in my career, business, working at church, everywhere. I admit my motivation may not be totally pure, but not all together wrong. I want to impact people's lives greatly, directly and as part of it through their minds. That is my dream. I believe that the most opportune place is in a teaching/mentoring setting. I still believe I am correct, but you may have other totally different means. That is my dream. Directly--not something that just happens along the way in life. That gets me fired up.
Back Home and Still Going
I'm back home now and though I don't have the setting of the mountains and being alone, the intimacy with God, for now continues. This morning I read chapters 16 and 17 of I Samuel. The themes continued from the weekend. As I read about Saul and David, it was primarily about David, I learned a lot about first being confident in you Father. And the motivating factor in what we work to achieve must always be your glory and for your praise. But also, I can be confident in me. I know that sounds wrong, but you gave me many talents and abilities. These abilities I have, gifts, talents you gave me are things inside of me for which I am very thankful. If I deny these and don't use them, I am really telling you that they don't matter and your gifts don't mean much to me. I know where they come from. You gave them to me. But I am responsible for developing them to the best of my ability to use for your glory. These gifts are part of what make me unique. You made me unique.
When David told Saul he would go up against Goliath and fight him, Saul loaded David down with armor and spears and all kinds of paraphernalia. This is what Saul said he needed for fighting and protection. David said he couldn't move and he couldn't fight this way. It just wasn't him. I was impressed with thoughts about how we go up against obstacles and Satan. Everyone is so willing to tell others what to do and how they should fight and what to use for protection. The reality of it is, you use and do what works for you because you are unique. Only God knows the best way for me. Now, he may tell me through others, and I always have to weigh that with his word and also my uniqueness. But even when he tells me in his word what to do and how, there is usually great latitude in adapting to the uniqueness of me.
This may sound like heresy, but I don't mean it that way. God and God's way is always the only right way. What I am saying is there is a way for me to do God's will in God's way that may be very different from others, because I am me. God's handiwork allows that. When I am told to gird myself with a belt and helmet, etc., the way I wear that belt may be different for me than for others. I'm probably being very confusing right now. That happens to me sometimes. The point is, God will make my defenses customized to me in application and I should listen to him, not always at the whim of everyone else.
Father, I was also impressed today in my reading about "Don't Be Afraid." You keep driving that home. "Don't Be Afraid." I realized that I cannot make good decisions, move forward, stay focused, or be productive if I am consistently afraid and fearful. Fear is immobilizing, energy zapping and totally non-productive. You keep driving this home to me and I thank you. Please continue until I get it and it changes me. I am light-hearted again and laugh easily. Until my mind is clear and can focus like a laser on what is important, "Don't Be Afraid." Thank you Father!
When David told Saul he would go up against Goliath and fight him, Saul loaded David down with armor and spears and all kinds of paraphernalia. This is what Saul said he needed for fighting and protection. David said he couldn't move and he couldn't fight this way. It just wasn't him. I was impressed with thoughts about how we go up against obstacles and Satan. Everyone is so willing to tell others what to do and how they should fight and what to use for protection. The reality of it is, you use and do what works for you because you are unique. Only God knows the best way for me. Now, he may tell me through others, and I always have to weigh that with his word and also my uniqueness. But even when he tells me in his word what to do and how, there is usually great latitude in adapting to the uniqueness of me.
This may sound like heresy, but I don't mean it that way. God and God's way is always the only right way. What I am saying is there is a way for me to do God's will in God's way that may be very different from others, because I am me. God's handiwork allows that. When I am told to gird myself with a belt and helmet, etc., the way I wear that belt may be different for me than for others. I'm probably being very confusing right now. That happens to me sometimes. The point is, God will make my defenses customized to me in application and I should listen to him, not always at the whim of everyone else.
Father, I was also impressed today in my reading about "Don't Be Afraid." You keep driving that home. "Don't Be Afraid." I realized that I cannot make good decisions, move forward, stay focused, or be productive if I am consistently afraid and fearful. Fear is immobilizing, energy zapping and totally non-productive. You keep driving this home to me and I thank you. Please continue until I get it and it changes me. I am light-hearted again and laugh easily. Until my mind is clear and can focus like a laser on what is important, "Don't Be Afraid." Thank you Father!
Sunday, September 13, 2009
The Real Thing
Cumberland Falls - 9:10 a.m.
I spent the morning hiking the trails to and from the Falls and my cabin. It had turned warm. The sky was blue. What a glorious morning. When I was almost at the end of the trail, I just sat down and talked to God out loud. It was great. It was the first time I had spoken audibly, since I arrived. I talked to God about what I had read the previous evening and about the impressions I had during the weekend. I had awakened at 7:30 a.m. and began reading I Samuel. There is so much you have said to me this weekend Father. Even reading I Samuel it didn't stop. The themes from the weekend keep being driven home to me. I am absolutely certain this weekend was God ordained. Through your Word, Chip Ingram's book, and the biography you spoke to me loudly and clearly.
I'm a little afraid of going back home. I'm afraid I'll lose the closeness with you, the intimacy. I'm afraid I'll forget. But I also know that I'm to take what I've learned and let it be expressed in relationships and in the world I'm in. I do ask that it not end! I'm the one who will decide that, I know. I can only hope I won't. I want my life to be like Samuel's. "Everyone in Israel...recognized Samuel was the real thing." Father, thank you for this weekend. Only time will tell how much my life has been changed. You are God and that's just the way it is.
I spent the morning hiking the trails to and from the Falls and my cabin. It had turned warm. The sky was blue. What a glorious morning. When I was almost at the end of the trail, I just sat down and talked to God out loud. It was great. It was the first time I had spoken audibly, since I arrived. I talked to God about what I had read the previous evening and about the impressions I had during the weekend. I had awakened at 7:30 a.m. and began reading I Samuel. There is so much you have said to me this weekend Father. Even reading I Samuel it didn't stop. The themes from the weekend keep being driven home to me. I am absolutely certain this weekend was God ordained. Through your Word, Chip Ingram's book, and the biography you spoke to me loudly and clearly.
I'm a little afraid of going back home. I'm afraid I'll lose the closeness with you, the intimacy. I'm afraid I'll forget. But I also know that I'm to take what I've learned and let it be expressed in relationships and in the world I'm in. I do ask that it not end! I'm the one who will decide that, I know. I can only hope I won't. I want my life to be like Samuel's. "Everyone in Israel...recognized Samuel was the real thing." Father, thank you for this weekend. Only time will tell how much my life has been changed. You are God and that's just the way it is.
My Only Value
Cumberland Falls - 6:10 p.m.
I just finished reading "A Wolf At The Table." The young man tells us that for the first time in his life, he witnessed and felt a father's love for his son. I don't know that I ever really experienced that with my father. He needed me. He was proud of me in his own way. He was to some degree intimidated by me. But I never really experienced or felt his love. It could be that I didn't know what it was or what it felt like. How sad! But I have a Father who loves me completely and needs me for nothing. He loves me completely unconditionally, just the way I am. And I am very valuable to Him. That is all that matters to me!
I just finished reading "A Wolf At The Table." The young man tells us that for the first time in his life, he witnessed and felt a father's love for his son. I don't know that I ever really experienced that with my father. He needed me. He was proud of me in his own way. He was to some degree intimidated by me. But I never really experienced or felt his love. It could be that I didn't know what it was or what it felt like. How sad! But I have a Father who loves me completely and needs me for nothing. He loves me completely unconditionally, just the way I am. And I am very valuable to Him. That is all that matters to me!
A Life System Built To Be Different
Cumberland Falls - 5:10 p.m.
This is a very difficult time for me during this weekend. As I said before I was reading three books, the Bible, Good To Great In God's Eyes, and a biography A Wolf At The Table. I had just finished reading a chapter in A Wolf At The Table. The boy, now 17, had his own apartment in a dilapidated, run down building that no one else would live in. He had no food and no possibility of getting any. He was hungry and had to have food. His mother was insane. His father had tried to kill him, but he was the only person he could call to get any food so he did. His father brought him a small package of bologna and day old bread. When the father left, the boy sobbed and was filled with inexpressible anger. I understand this boy. He said: "...there is an anger that goes beyond a fist through a wall. Where you are lifted so high by your fury that for an instant you hover suspended; the fist does not go through the wall. You hold your breath and wait, you hang, you float." Then he said, "I was going to make something of myself. Something big." I understand that boy. And that is why I know there is nothing but the power of God that's going to change me and heal me!
I know what he is talking about when he says "I was afraid that I was like my father." I do understand that as a child, one's perception of parents, siblings, people can be distorted. Our vantage point is very limited to only what we see and experience, mostly what we experience. And I do understand that our perceptions belong only to us and no one else. Someone living in the same household can have a very different perspective than another. It is primarily based on one's experience and to some degree personality. But, in how it shapes one's life, it really doesn't matter. My life systems and future life were dramatically shaped by my perspective of my father. He took care of us physically. He provided. But emotionally for me, he was never there. Instead, he needed me because he did not want to confront things, mainly those things having to do with spouse and family. I saw and experienced many things and my perspective in part was, he was often times different in family situations than he was in public ones. That is so painful to acknowledge and say. But most of my adult life, I fought so desperately to not be like my father. One of the results is that I take such strong measures to not be, that it consumes me. My perception was that he was a weak man in many ways and I purposed in my mind and heart I would never, ever be weak! Nothing would ever beat me! I could overcome anything!
As I have grown older and much more knowledgeable, I understand that to a large degree that what he was, was formed by what he experienced as a child growing up as well. He could only work with what he had and was capable of. But the impact on me was still the same. So today I can say I have such sympathy with him, but realize that the sin in our lives, my father, mother and me and those before us, had devastating impacts on me. Where does it end? At what point does one say, enough? At what point do I say, I am responsible for my sin, no one else is. I have to answer for what I do. Only me! The legacy will stop with me. I can only hope that to a small degree that I can say that. I am learning every day the more healthy way. God's way. The only way!
As I have spent so much time reflecting and analyzing, praying, talking to people I respect and trust, hours spent in counseling, I have come to the conclusion that I am not like my father in many ways. Those life systems I built so I would not be are so ingrained in me and so unbelievably strong and powerful, that only the power of the almighty God can break them. God, please break them.
This is a very difficult time for me during this weekend. As I said before I was reading three books, the Bible, Good To Great In God's Eyes, and a biography A Wolf At The Table. I had just finished reading a chapter in A Wolf At The Table. The boy, now 17, had his own apartment in a dilapidated, run down building that no one else would live in. He had no food and no possibility of getting any. He was hungry and had to have food. His mother was insane. His father had tried to kill him, but he was the only person he could call to get any food so he did. His father brought him a small package of bologna and day old bread. When the father left, the boy sobbed and was filled with inexpressible anger. I understand this boy. He said: "...there is an anger that goes beyond a fist through a wall. Where you are lifted so high by your fury that for an instant you hover suspended; the fist does not go through the wall. You hold your breath and wait, you hang, you float." Then he said, "I was going to make something of myself. Something big." I understand that boy. And that is why I know there is nothing but the power of God that's going to change me and heal me!
I know what he is talking about when he says "I was afraid that I was like my father." I do understand that as a child, one's perception of parents, siblings, people can be distorted. Our vantage point is very limited to only what we see and experience, mostly what we experience. And I do understand that our perceptions belong only to us and no one else. Someone living in the same household can have a very different perspective than another. It is primarily based on one's experience and to some degree personality. But, in how it shapes one's life, it really doesn't matter. My life systems and future life were dramatically shaped by my perspective of my father. He took care of us physically. He provided. But emotionally for me, he was never there. Instead, he needed me because he did not want to confront things, mainly those things having to do with spouse and family. I saw and experienced many things and my perspective in part was, he was often times different in family situations than he was in public ones. That is so painful to acknowledge and say. But most of my adult life, I fought so desperately to not be like my father. One of the results is that I take such strong measures to not be, that it consumes me. My perception was that he was a weak man in many ways and I purposed in my mind and heart I would never, ever be weak! Nothing would ever beat me! I could overcome anything!
As I have grown older and much more knowledgeable, I understand that to a large degree that what he was, was formed by what he experienced as a child growing up as well. He could only work with what he had and was capable of. But the impact on me was still the same. So today I can say I have such sympathy with him, but realize that the sin in our lives, my father, mother and me and those before us, had devastating impacts on me. Where does it end? At what point does one say, enough? At what point do I say, I am responsible for my sin, no one else is. I have to answer for what I do. Only me! The legacy will stop with me. I can only hope that to a small degree that I can say that. I am learning every day the more healthy way. God's way. The only way!
As I have spent so much time reflecting and analyzing, praying, talking to people I respect and trust, hours spent in counseling, I have come to the conclusion that I am not like my father in many ways. Those life systems I built so I would not be are so ingrained in me and so unbelievably strong and powerful, that only the power of the almighty God can break them. God, please break them.
Elder Brother's Distorted View
Cumberland Falls - 11:45 a.m.
Chip Imgram explains the elder brother's mentality in the telling of the prodigal son and how the elder brother has a distorted view of God's heart:
An example of a consequence of the elder-brother performance mentality: Faithful, consistent Christian-often church leader suddenly separates from their spouse. Their actions are so out of character: red sports car, takes up with a person half their age. It is almost guaranteed this person has lived with elder-brother mentality for years and was never able to enjoy life. The consistent suppression of genuine, God-ordained pleasure is frustrating and depressing. Those who live with it long enough eventually explode, sometimes in very ungodly ways. This is an example of what a distorted view of God can lead to.
Chip Imgram explains the elder brother's mentality in the telling of the prodigal son and how the elder brother has a distorted view of God's heart:
- Too busy earning Father's favor to realize he already had it
- So absorbed with performance he could never enjoy life
- Like the elder brother many of us spend all our energy and time trying to prove ourselves to God, parents, bosses, someone from our past, spouse, anyone who made us feel like we'll never amount to anything
- We become driven to achieve and accomplish
- Being driven to perform has a subtle, self-righteous arrogance in it
- We think that being godly means always giving up our desires and plans to do what others want
- The above falsehoods are lies from Satan!
- Truth--I must be willing to give up my plans in submission to God's direction in serving and loving others
- Truth--The plans and dreams I have are important as well
- Truth--Many are God-given
- Part of loving others is allowing them to love me, even giving them an opportunity to make sacrifices for me, as I make sacrifices for them, if God so leads.
An example of a consequence of the elder-brother performance mentality: Faithful, consistent Christian-often church leader suddenly separates from their spouse. Their actions are so out of character: red sports car, takes up with a person half their age. It is almost guaranteed this person has lived with elder-brother mentality for years and was never able to enjoy life. The consistent suppression of genuine, God-ordained pleasure is frustrating and depressing. Those who live with it long enough eventually explode, sometimes in very ungodly ways. This is an example of what a distorted view of God can lead to.
- Truth-God's gifts are always available to his children, i.e. elder brother.
Monday, September 7, 2009
Throw A Party
Cumberland Falls - 10:58 a.m.
I am reading Chip Ingram's book "Good To Great In God's Eyes" now and the chapter is "Enjoy Great Moments." Ingram points out that great Christians enjoy life and have fun. He uses Nehemiah 8:10 to make his point. He says:
I am reading Chip Ingram's book "Good To Great In God's Eyes" now and the chapter is "Enjoy Great Moments." Ingram points out that great Christians enjoy life and have fun. He uses Nehemiah 8:10 to make his point. He says:
"Ezra...read the books of Moses...to the assembly. Realizing how badly they had missed God's will and violated His commandments, they began to weep...Nehemiah encouraged them with these words, "Go and enjoy choice food and sweet drinks, and send some to those who have nothing prepared. This day is sacred to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength."...Nehemiah didn't miss the need to repent, BUT, he understood that God had given the people a time of gladness. Sorrow was natural and necessary sometime. BUT, it couldn't define the life of God's people."
Nehemiah and God didn't jump on them and beat them down further when they realized how they had sinned and disobeyed. Instead he told them "Don't grieve". Throw a party.
Ingram also says, "We have little slices of time that fill us with joy...we treasure them even more when we celebrate them with others, especially those close to our heart. They mean more when others are involved...You never took time for enjoying, relating, and just relaxing. God put opportunities in your path that you never noticed and [God] put people in your path who would have loved you if you'd given them the time." This relationship with people is huge for me. People would have/will love me if I would just give them a chance. God places them there for me as a gift that I often ignore.
Nehemiah and God didn't jump on them and beat them down further when they realized how they had sinned and disobeyed. Instead he told them "Don't grieve". Throw a party.
Ingram also says, "We have little slices of time that fill us with joy...we treasure them even more when we celebrate them with others, especially those close to our heart. They mean more when others are involved...You never took time for enjoying, relating, and just relaxing. God put opportunities in your path that you never noticed and [God] put people in your path who would have loved you if you'd given them the time." This relationship with people is huge for me. People would have/will love me if I would just give them a chance. God places them there for me as a gift that I often ignore.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
I Am Not the Leading Character in My Life
Cumberland Falls - 8:30 a.m.
I finished reading Ruth and started into 1 Samuel. Very noteworthy insight from Eugene Peterson's introduction from The Message. God's Spirit is speaking to me loudly and boldly. Peterson says, "...the stories [Samuel, Hannah, Saul, David] are clustered around 1000 BC" and 800 years after Abraham. Just put that in context. These stories about the lives of these people, about whose details relate so much to me, and God, occurred 3000 years ago--where we can't even begin to know how different [culture, environment, etc.] they believed and experienced. And yet, they are like me. God has not changed. Man has not changed. Relevance is real and pertinent.
Peterson also says, "...our ego-bound experience is too small a context in which to understand and experience what it means to believe in God and follow his ways." Everything I see, feel, perceive, make judgments about, plan, value, drive me forward or not, is based on me and my experience. Peterson is saying that if that is all I know, I cannot know God and his character [Believe!] and follow his ways [or even know his ways]. I am so small and limiting. I am so ego-bound, the center of my small mind and life.
God is not defined or bound by me, even though I think he is! I think I am the center of everything. Even when I think I am "nothing," I become the center of life and God! God draws me out of myself to show me that I am just a pin dot [not even] in God and the history of man, and I must look at the whole to understand. And yet, I am the most important person to him as well. That I cannot comprehend. God does not belong to me!
Peterson also says, "...[these] stories do not show us how we should live but how in fact we do live...the reality of our daily experience as the stuff that God uses to work out his purposes of salvation in us and in the world." I am part of this. My life [feelings, perceptions, judgments, plans, values, things that drive me forward or not, relationships, etc.] is part of the present and future for somebody or somebodies. God uses these for his purposes, the good and the bad for now and future generations.
Then he says, "...perceptions of ourselves...cannot be reduced to personal feelings or ideas or circumstances. If we want a life other than mere biology, we must deal with God. There is no alternate way." So God, life is larger than ME, my personal feelings, ideas, circumstances? Put that into perspective!
He goes on, "...we don't have to fit into prefabricated moral or mental or religious boxes [in fact I fight and rebel against them] before we are admitted into the company of God--we are taken seriously just as we are and given a place in his story, for it is, after all, his story, none of us is the leading character in the story of life."
I am not the leading character in my life, God is! How humbling and exciting at the same time. If I could just remember this in the fabric of my daily life. So deep that it is just like breathing. I just do it, or not even I do it, it just happens. I don't have to think about it or make a choice to do it. It just happens and goes on and on moment by moment, stretching into years and decades, a whole life. Without it, I die! It sustains life, my life physically, mentally and spiritually. God is the leading character in my life.
"...the biblical way is not so much to present us with a moral code and tell us 'Live up to this,' nor is it to set out a system of doctrine and say, 'Think like this' and you will live well. The biblical way is to tell a story and invite us to 'Live into this.' This is what it looks like to be human, this is what is involved in entering and maturing as human beings." (Peterson)
It is a rich experience filled with passion, ups and downs, growth, relating, understanding God and me in God and wonder and awe of God, world, mankind, universe, God's world, God! The details of my life experienced through God! I am human. He made me this way. It is a blessing to be human, the crown of God's creation! That is me! He is pleased with me! I have to live up to His pleasure, and through Jesus Christ I can!
Lastly, Peterson says, "...We are not being led to see God in our[my] stories but to see our stories in God's. God is the larger context and plot in which our stories [my story] find themselves." And do I have a story! The story of my life in all its pain and joy, mistakes and successes, weaknesses and strengths, growth and stagnation, my humanness! It fits into the story of God! Jesus is the bridge that links me directly to you, Father. "How great is [my] God! Sing with me how great is [my] God. All will see how great, how great is my God!"
I finished reading Ruth and started into 1 Samuel. Very noteworthy insight from Eugene Peterson's introduction from The Message. God's Spirit is speaking to me loudly and boldly. Peterson says, "...the stories [Samuel, Hannah, Saul, David] are clustered around 1000 BC" and 800 years after Abraham. Just put that in context. These stories about the lives of these people, about whose details relate so much to me, and God, occurred 3000 years ago--where we can't even begin to know how different [culture, environment, etc.] they believed and experienced. And yet, they are like me. God has not changed. Man has not changed. Relevance is real and pertinent.
Peterson also says, "...our ego-bound experience is too small a context in which to understand and experience what it means to believe in God and follow his ways." Everything I see, feel, perceive, make judgments about, plan, value, drive me forward or not, is based on me and my experience. Peterson is saying that if that is all I know, I cannot know God and his character [Believe!] and follow his ways [or even know his ways]. I am so small and limiting. I am so ego-bound, the center of my small mind and life.
God is not defined or bound by me, even though I think he is! I think I am the center of everything. Even when I think I am "nothing," I become the center of life and God! God draws me out of myself to show me that I am just a pin dot [not even] in God and the history of man, and I must look at the whole to understand. And yet, I am the most important person to him as well. That I cannot comprehend. God does not belong to me!
Peterson also says, "...[these] stories do not show us how we should live but how in fact we do live...the reality of our daily experience as the stuff that God uses to work out his purposes of salvation in us and in the world." I am part of this. My life [feelings, perceptions, judgments, plans, values, things that drive me forward or not, relationships, etc.] is part of the present and future for somebody or somebodies. God uses these for his purposes, the good and the bad for now and future generations.
Then he says, "...perceptions of ourselves...cannot be reduced to personal feelings or ideas or circumstances. If we want a life other than mere biology, we must deal with God. There is no alternate way." So God, life is larger than ME, my personal feelings, ideas, circumstances? Put that into perspective!
He goes on, "...we don't have to fit into prefabricated moral or mental or religious boxes [in fact I fight and rebel against them] before we are admitted into the company of God--we are taken seriously just as we are and given a place in his story, for it is, after all, his story, none of us is the leading character in the story of life."
I am not the leading character in my life, God is! How humbling and exciting at the same time. If I could just remember this in the fabric of my daily life. So deep that it is just like breathing. I just do it, or not even I do it, it just happens. I don't have to think about it or make a choice to do it. It just happens and goes on and on moment by moment, stretching into years and decades, a whole life. Without it, I die! It sustains life, my life physically, mentally and spiritually. God is the leading character in my life.
"...the biblical way is not so much to present us with a moral code and tell us 'Live up to this,' nor is it to set out a system of doctrine and say, 'Think like this' and you will live well. The biblical way is to tell a story and invite us to 'Live into this.' This is what it looks like to be human, this is what is involved in entering and maturing as human beings." (Peterson)
It is a rich experience filled with passion, ups and downs, growth, relating, understanding God and me in God and wonder and awe of God, world, mankind, universe, God's world, God! The details of my life experienced through God! I am human. He made me this way. It is a blessing to be human, the crown of God's creation! That is me! He is pleased with me! I have to live up to His pleasure, and through Jesus Christ I can!
Lastly, Peterson says, "...We are not being led to see God in our[my] stories but to see our stories in God's. God is the larger context and plot in which our stories [my story] find themselves." And do I have a story! The story of my life in all its pain and joy, mistakes and successes, weaknesses and strengths, growth and stagnation, my humanness! It fits into the story of God! Jesus is the bridge that links me directly to you, Father. "How great is [my] God! Sing with me how great is [my] God. All will see how great, how great is my God!"
Monday, August 31, 2009
Life is Often Times Just Not Fair
Cumberland Falls-7:00 a.m.
I started reading the book of Ruth in the Bible. In the 2nd chapter near the end, Naomi says, "God hasn't quite walked out on us after all. He still loves us in bad times as well as good!" True. This all sounds so positive, and it is. But the reality is, prior to saying this, Naomi had lost everything and was destitute. She suffered greatly:
I wonder how Naomi felt about it? Also, Naomi's husband and two sons died during this suffering. They didn't get to experience how everything turned out well. So some don't get to experience it. Of course we don't know what God was doing in their lives at that time. But just remember everything doesn't always turn out wonderful in this world. That is why we have to have an eternal perspective and know and understand that eternally it will and trust God.
That is where my focus has to be, not on what my life is like in this world. Whatever happens is temporary, but my life and choices can effect the history of somebody, and that is more important. God is in charge and I can only see what is physically evident right now! All else only God knows. In the last part of Ruth it says, Boaz and Ruth had Obed, Obed had Jesse, Jesse had David a King of Israel and from David came Jesus the Messiah! Who knew? God! Certainly not us.
I started reading the book of Ruth in the Bible. In the 2nd chapter near the end, Naomi says, "God hasn't quite walked out on us after all. He still loves us in bad times as well as good!" True. This all sounds so positive, and it is. But the reality is, prior to saying this, Naomi had lost everything and was destitute. She suffered greatly:
- Had no food or means of income
- Had to leave her home and travel to a distant country where she knew no one, and had a family to take care of
- Her husband died while they were there and left her with 2 boys to raise in this foreign country with no family for support
- Her sons married (as far as we know) unbelieving women
- She lost her 2 sons when they died in the foreign country
- She was alone with only 2 daughters-in-law from the foreign country
- Now she had to make decisions on her own and undertake a big move back to her home land
- Either she had nothing or sold everything to finance the trip, because it was said about her when she got back to Bethlehem, "...have nothing but the clothes on her back." She had lost all finances.
- She had to depend on a daughter-in-law for any means of income
- She was bitter and angry at God.
I wonder how Naomi felt about it? Also, Naomi's husband and two sons died during this suffering. They didn't get to experience how everything turned out well. So some don't get to experience it. Of course we don't know what God was doing in their lives at that time. But just remember everything doesn't always turn out wonderful in this world. That is why we have to have an eternal perspective and know and understand that eternally it will and trust God.
That is where my focus has to be, not on what my life is like in this world. Whatever happens is temporary, but my life and choices can effect the history of somebody, and that is more important. God is in charge and I can only see what is physically evident right now! All else only God knows. In the last part of Ruth it says, Boaz and Ruth had Obed, Obed had Jesse, Jesse had David a King of Israel and from David came Jesus the Messiah! Who knew? God! Certainly not us.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Don't Be Afraid
Cumberland Falls-6:49 p.m.
I've been reading the biography of this man who grew up in an incredibly dysfunctional and toxic family. The name of the biography is "A Wolf At The Table." It is amazing what he went through-father, mother and brother. While in many aspects it is not like my own, but overall it is. His feelings of longing for a father are very similar to mine and his relationship to his mother is as well. What I realized very strongly and it came to me suddenly is, I need a DAD. I need a mentor. One who is wise, loving, understanding, non-judgmental. I need someone to talk to and from whom I can seek advice and counsel. I need a DAD. Father, lead someone to me, please.
I've been reading the biography of this man who grew up in an incredibly dysfunctional and toxic family. The name of the biography is "A Wolf At The Table." It is amazing what he went through-father, mother and brother. While in many aspects it is not like my own, but overall it is. His feelings of longing for a father are very similar to mine and his relationship to his mother is as well. What I realized very strongly and it came to me suddenly is, I need a DAD. I need a mentor. One who is wise, loving, understanding, non-judgmental. I need someone to talk to and from whom I can seek advice and counsel. I need a DAD. Father, lead someone to me, please.
Don't Be Afraid
Cumberland Falls-12:50 p.m.
While I am waiting for God to show me what he wants me to do so I can sacrifice, I'm losing opportunity and wasting time. DO IT! and he will respond. The issue is not what he wants me to do. The issue is sacrifice and he will be pleased. Pure and simple! Whatever happens after that is up to him! That's all that matters. Oh, how I wish it were that simple.
While I am waiting for God to show me what he wants me to do so I can sacrifice, I'm losing opportunity and wasting time. DO IT! and he will respond. The issue is not what he wants me to do. The issue is sacrifice and he will be pleased. Pure and simple! Whatever happens after that is up to him! That's all that matters. Oh, how I wish it were that simple.
Don't Be Afraid
Cumberland Falls-12:28 p.m
So what you're telling me, God, through Ingram's book is that I offer up all of me--including RobLen and the situation and know in my heart that whatever happens will be good for me, but firstly for your praise and glory. Leave it at your feet and move on in faith and joy and peace, living for you and all you can fill me with! Because, even if I suffer, it is ultimately going to be better for me here on this earth and eternally. Matthew 10:29-30 Frankly, I just don't get it. It really does not compute. Sounds good from a "Christian's" point of view, but I don't have a clue how to do it.
So what you're telling me, God, through Ingram's book is that I offer up all of me--including RobLen and the situation and know in my heart that whatever happens will be good for me, but firstly for your praise and glory. Leave it at your feet and move on in faith and joy and peace, living for you and all you can fill me with! Because, even if I suffer, it is ultimately going to be better for me here on this earth and eternally. Matthew 10:29-30 Frankly, I just don't get it. It really does not compute. Sounds good from a "Christian's" point of view, but I don't have a clue how to do it.
Don't Be Afraid
Cumberland Falls-11:46 a.m.
So I'm now reading the chapter on great sacrifices from Chip Ingram's book "Good to Great in God's Eyes" and you are speaking to me God. Question-Huge Obstacle! RobLen! Sacrifice it! Goes against everything I have worked for and believe! Lose lots of money-can't sell it-costing me money. Lose equity I was going to use to pay cash for a place later in life. What do I do? I think I could say it's yours, take it! I just don't know how to resolve it. Losing everything scares me to death. Don't know how or really what the next step would be.
So I'm now reading the chapter on great sacrifices from Chip Ingram's book "Good to Great in God's Eyes" and you are speaking to me God. Question-Huge Obstacle! RobLen! Sacrifice it! Goes against everything I have worked for and believe! Lose lots of money-can't sell it-costing me money. Lose equity I was going to use to pay cash for a place later in life. What do I do? I think I could say it's yours, take it! I just don't know how to resolve it. Losing everything scares me to death. Don't know how or really what the next step would be.
Don't Be Afraid
Cumberland Falls-9:30 a.m.
I'm outside now on the balcony reading the Bible. In the 14th chapter of Judges is the story of Samson. Samson's mother and father asked God's angel to teach them how to raise Samson. Evidently either the angel didn't tell them, the parents didn't listen, or they just ignored it. Samson wants to marry the Philistine girl he had seen. He comes back to his parents and demands, "get her for me as my wife." His parents didn't agree and wanted one of their own people to be his wife. So they asked Samson if he couldn't find one at home. He demanded again: "Get her for me. She's the one I want--she's right for me." We can see how Samson was incredibly spoiled and he controlled the family. But the part that struck me is in the parenthesis: "His father and mother had no idea that God was behind this, that he was arranging an opportunity against the Philistines." This is really, really important for me. I see only what I know. I most often don't see the big picture of God in my life. What appears, based on what I know and see to be bad and distasteful, may be God's working for a larger, greater purpose. I guess that's where faith and pure trust come in.
I'm outside now on the balcony reading the Bible. In the 14th chapter of Judges is the story of Samson. Samson's mother and father asked God's angel to teach them how to raise Samson. Evidently either the angel didn't tell them, the parents didn't listen, or they just ignored it. Samson wants to marry the Philistine girl he had seen. He comes back to his parents and demands, "get her for me as my wife." His parents didn't agree and wanted one of their own people to be his wife. So they asked Samson if he couldn't find one at home. He demanded again: "Get her for me. She's the one I want--she's right for me." We can see how Samson was incredibly spoiled and he controlled the family. But the part that struck me is in the parenthesis: "His father and mother had no idea that God was behind this, that he was arranging an opportunity against the Philistines." This is really, really important for me. I see only what I know. I most often don't see the big picture of God in my life. What appears, based on what I know and see to be bad and distasteful, may be God's working for a larger, greater purpose. I guess that's where faith and pure trust come in.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Don't Be Afraid
Cumberland Falls-8 a.m.
All the windows and doors are open in the cabin. The air is warm. Sun is shining. I awoke early, but don't remember exactly what time it was. However, it was still dark and for a long time. I dozed off and on and then got up at 7 a.m. As I laid there I started thinking and as usual all the negative things started going through my mind and I got very anxious and fearful, really fearful. I really hate that. Why can't I start thinking about good things, positive things, pleasant things in the wee hours of the morning in the dark or in the middle of the night in the dark. There's really something about this that is telling for all of us. But then a thought came in remembrance of your Word, Father: "Don't be afraid." It was so clear and I repeated it over and over in my mind. Not so much as a mantra, but intermittently when I would think of bad things. So it became my consistent response to those thoughts as I laid there in the dark.
That is very important to me. "Don't be afraid." You tell me that, but how do I take it in? How do I internalize it so it becomes a driving force? I don't know. Most of the time I don't feel your presence. There are times I do, but most of the time I don't. Have mercy and understanding of me Father. I want to not be afraid. Oh, how I want to.
The driving force in me is different at various times, but mostly it is achievement and accomplishment in its various forms. I'm reading a book entitled "A Wolf At The Table." Yesterday I read:
"It was the first time in my life I'd experienced a feeling close to achievement...I saw that if I continued this strange, land-swimming, this intoxicating, crawling, climbing, clinging, I would make it to the very top of the world."
Now this little boy was climbing a pyramid in Mexico and then he said:
"I didn't know what a pyramid was. Not once did I consider the consecrated land upon which it was built, or the powerful ancient society that created it. I knew only that it was overwhelming, magnificent, and must be climbed."
That is the way I am. Right now in my life I am wondering what is there that is overwhelming, magnificent, and must be climbed, achieved, proof that I can do it? It gives me status, self-achievement, it means I am somebody and no one can take that away from me. It is an inner force driving me. What is there to replace that in my life right now? Because I feel that all of that has been taken away from me. What is there left that is me? I feel empty and I am floundering.
Father, I don't believe you want me to give it up. It is who I am, at least a big part of who I am. That drive. That force. That can do attitude. That I can get it done. But maybe, no not maybe, you must channel it. And I guess, which I don't really understand, change my motivation. I do know you can do this. I know you can. I just don't see evidence that you are and/or that it is what you are working on. There is so much stuff in my spirit, mind and heart that comes between you and me. Stuff that is overwhelming to me. You are magnificent in your power. That is part of what attracts me to you, your holiness and power. There is none other. The fact that no one or no being can best you, overcome you is thrilling to me. That is why the song that says "You are God, and that's just the way it is," is so personal and powerful to me.
But that is where the conflict lies. I know that. I know from the very depths of my being. And also in the depths is this desire, this drive to achieve and the thrill and high I get from the process and the achievement. I don't understand how they both can be in concert.
I also know I like living at RobLen and being able to dabble in this or that. Not having to work if I don't want to. Spend time reading. Have the money to repair and improve things on RobLen. Go to lunch and have coffee with friends. Get involved with people in teaching, guiding, or a mentoring capacity. Spend large amounts of time in your Word and with you. Traveling when I want to. Give money away and help people. I like that Father. I would like to keep it up and also work hard to achieve things. Somewhere, somehow there has to be an answer out there and you now what it is.
One thing I do know: As far as I can tell I have about 5 months of money left to live on and then it is gone. What will I do? What should I do now? And there is the fear, the anxiety. The fear of the end of the money and not a clue as to what to do. And I hear your voice speaking to me, "Don't be afraid." The fact of the matter is, I am afraid and I don't know how not to be!
All the windows and doors are open in the cabin. The air is warm. Sun is shining. I awoke early, but don't remember exactly what time it was. However, it was still dark and for a long time. I dozed off and on and then got up at 7 a.m. As I laid there I started thinking and as usual all the negative things started going through my mind and I got very anxious and fearful, really fearful. I really hate that. Why can't I start thinking about good things, positive things, pleasant things in the wee hours of the morning in the dark or in the middle of the night in the dark. There's really something about this that is telling for all of us. But then a thought came in remembrance of your Word, Father: "Don't be afraid." It was so clear and I repeated it over and over in my mind. Not so much as a mantra, but intermittently when I would think of bad things. So it became my consistent response to those thoughts as I laid there in the dark.
That is very important to me. "Don't be afraid." You tell me that, but how do I take it in? How do I internalize it so it becomes a driving force? I don't know. Most of the time I don't feel your presence. There are times I do, but most of the time I don't. Have mercy and understanding of me Father. I want to not be afraid. Oh, how I want to.
The driving force in me is different at various times, but mostly it is achievement and accomplishment in its various forms. I'm reading a book entitled "A Wolf At The Table." Yesterday I read:
"It was the first time in my life I'd experienced a feeling close to achievement...I saw that if I continued this strange, land-swimming, this intoxicating, crawling, climbing, clinging, I would make it to the very top of the world."
Now this little boy was climbing a pyramid in Mexico and then he said:
"I didn't know what a pyramid was. Not once did I consider the consecrated land upon which it was built, or the powerful ancient society that created it. I knew only that it was overwhelming, magnificent, and must be climbed."
That is the way I am. Right now in my life I am wondering what is there that is overwhelming, magnificent, and must be climbed, achieved, proof that I can do it? It gives me status, self-achievement, it means I am somebody and no one can take that away from me. It is an inner force driving me. What is there to replace that in my life right now? Because I feel that all of that has been taken away from me. What is there left that is me? I feel empty and I am floundering.
Father, I don't believe you want me to give it up. It is who I am, at least a big part of who I am. That drive. That force. That can do attitude. That I can get it done. But maybe, no not maybe, you must channel it. And I guess, which I don't really understand, change my motivation. I do know you can do this. I know you can. I just don't see evidence that you are and/or that it is what you are working on. There is so much stuff in my spirit, mind and heart that comes between you and me. Stuff that is overwhelming to me. You are magnificent in your power. That is part of what attracts me to you, your holiness and power. There is none other. The fact that no one or no being can best you, overcome you is thrilling to me. That is why the song that says "You are God, and that's just the way it is," is so personal and powerful to me.
But that is where the conflict lies. I know that. I know from the very depths of my being. And also in the depths is this desire, this drive to achieve and the thrill and high I get from the process and the achievement. I don't understand how they both can be in concert.
I also know I like living at RobLen and being able to dabble in this or that. Not having to work if I don't want to. Spend time reading. Have the money to repair and improve things on RobLen. Go to lunch and have coffee with friends. Get involved with people in teaching, guiding, or a mentoring capacity. Spend large amounts of time in your Word and with you. Traveling when I want to. Give money away and help people. I like that Father. I would like to keep it up and also work hard to achieve things. Somewhere, somehow there has to be an answer out there and you now what it is.
One thing I do know: As far as I can tell I have about 5 months of money left to live on and then it is gone. What will I do? What should I do now? And there is the fear, the anxiety. The fear of the end of the money and not a clue as to what to do. And I hear your voice speaking to me, "Don't be afraid." The fact of the matter is, I am afraid and I don't know how not to be!
Gotta Tell It
After so many years, events, issues, pain, disappointment, frustration, anxiety, growth, ups, downs, blindness and seeing I am at a place where it is good. I can see God at work so clearly. But to get here I had to experience all of the above at the direction of God in my life, those around me and just life experiences. Along the way I had so many doubts, joys, highs and lows, so much anger and loneliness. But it was necessary and it was life. Before I share what is going on right now, I believe it is important that I have a little history telling. As most of you know I journal. And it is in my journal that I express much of my heart and mind. That is where I need to go in order to bring you up to date and explain how I got to where I am today.
So, I'm going to include the most pertinent parts of my journal here that will lead you through the labyrinths and complexities to where I am and then I'll tell you about today. Each chapter will have a date in which I wrote the journal entry and somewhat of a topic that pertains to that journal entry. Of course you can just wait and skip to today if you want, but it won't be nearly as much fun. "Fun," that is an odd word to use, unless of course you are a sadist. And there is a little of that in all of us.
The next entry will be the first chapter and the the beginning of my story in this telling. Much happened prior to this first chapter, bringing me to where I was at that time, and it was very significant. But I had to pick somewhere to start and it seemed to me that Friday, May 2, 2008 was a good time. It was a time I had gone off by myself to Cumberland Falls and stayed in a cabin alone for a long weekend. It was a time, probably at one of my lowest points in my life, when nothing seemed to be happening good. My wife and I were so emotionally and spiritually separated, it was scary. There was intense fear and anger in both of our lives. So I spent a long weekend alone in the woods where I just read, talked to God was completely alone and wrote. The next chapter in the Blog is where I begin telling the story.
So, I'm going to include the most pertinent parts of my journal here that will lead you through the labyrinths and complexities to where I am and then I'll tell you about today. Each chapter will have a date in which I wrote the journal entry and somewhat of a topic that pertains to that journal entry. Of course you can just wait and skip to today if you want, but it won't be nearly as much fun. "Fun," that is an odd word to use, unless of course you are a sadist. And there is a little of that in all of us.
The next entry will be the first chapter and the the beginning of my story in this telling. Much happened prior to this first chapter, bringing me to where I was at that time, and it was very significant. But I had to pick somewhere to start and it seemed to me that Friday, May 2, 2008 was a good time. It was a time I had gone off by myself to Cumberland Falls and stayed in a cabin alone for a long weekend. It was a time, probably at one of my lowest points in my life, when nothing seemed to be happening good. My wife and I were so emotionally and spiritually separated, it was scary. There was intense fear and anger in both of our lives. So I spent a long weekend alone in the woods where I just read, talked to God was completely alone and wrote. The next chapter in the Blog is where I begin telling the story.
Monday, August 3, 2009
Random Thoughts On A Summer Eve
I'm sitting outside on this beautiful summer evening. It is 8:00 p.m. and the sun is going down over the trees and the hills. The air is clean and just the right amount of warmth and coolness. There is very little humidity and hardly any clouds. This just makes me feel so good. I never thought I was impacted that much by the weather, although I know I always love summer. I really do hate winter. Too cold. Too gray. Too depressing. Too..., oh well you get the picture. But today and tonight it is just perfect. I can smell the grass being cut across the road. I can see and hear the hummingbirds as they fly around the pergola and the feeder. There is one hummingbird that is really dominant. He/she will not let the others feed. It is really pretty funny to watch them.
For the last couple of weeks we have had a raccoon that just would not stop irritating us. First it started with him getting into the garbage can. Now that is nothing new, but this time he was being pretty creative and sneaky. Instead of pulling everything out of the can and getting it all over everything, he just flipped the top back, climbed inside and sat there and ate. When he was done, he climbed out, put the top down and left. While it really didn't cause me any mess or problem, I just didn't want a raccoon inside the garbage can eating the garbage. I'm not sure why that bothered me, but it did. So, I put a rather large stone on the top, thinking he couldn't lift it. WRONG! The next morning the stone was on the ground and it was obvious he had been inside. So, that night I put the same stone and a rather large and heavy brick along with it. The next morning, both of them were at the back of the garbage can and it was obvious he had opened the lid and gotten inside. Now, it was war. This little critter was not going to get the best of me. I'm a much determined being just like him. And I'm a lot smarter. So, that night I put two large bricks on the can right in the front where he would have to lift it. IT WORKED. So far he has not been able to lift the lid.
Ok, so you would think that I had gotten the best of him. Nope. A few mornings later. I looked out the back door at the hummingbird feeder lying on the deck broken. What? What would or could have done that? We've had that feeder up for nine years and never have I seen this. Well, not knowing what happened, Lenora put more sugar water in it and we hung it up again. The next morning there it was on the deck with sugar water everywhere. This time it was broken beyond repair. So, we went to the store and bought a heavier one. The next morning there it was on the deck, but at least not broken. We were not to be deterred. We tried it one more night. Same thing. We now new we were facing our nemesis, the infamous raccoon. So, we moved the feeder in the middle of the outside beam of the pergola, so the raccoon could not climb the post to get to it. Did well for a couple of nights. Then one morning there it was on the table with sugar water all over everything. I was getting angry. So, I moved the feeder right in the center of the pergola over the table. In order for the devilish little thing to get to it, it would have to climb upside down around the edge of the pergola, go to the center upside down, then hang upside down with one leg and lift that silly thing up and take it off with a hook and then drop it. That's exactly what it did. Ok, we give. You just can't beat nature. I'm crying uncle.
Lenora Googled to see if she could find a solution. She did. It was amazing how many people have the same problem with their hummingbird feeder. The only thing that works is:>>>>>>>>>TAKE IT DOWN AT NIGHT, BRING IT IN, AND PUT IT OUT IN THE MORNING BEFORE DAWN!! Can you believe that? I am undone. So, now the little devil cannot lift the lid on the garbage can and there is no hummingbird feeder any more. I'm just waiting to see what is next that he does to drive me crazy. Stay tuned.
For the last couple of weeks we have had a raccoon that just would not stop irritating us. First it started with him getting into the garbage can. Now that is nothing new, but this time he was being pretty creative and sneaky. Instead of pulling everything out of the can and getting it all over everything, he just flipped the top back, climbed inside and sat there and ate. When he was done, he climbed out, put the top down and left. While it really didn't cause me any mess or problem, I just didn't want a raccoon inside the garbage can eating the garbage. I'm not sure why that bothered me, but it did. So, I put a rather large stone on the top, thinking he couldn't lift it. WRONG! The next morning the stone was on the ground and it was obvious he had been inside. So, that night I put the same stone and a rather large and heavy brick along with it. The next morning, both of them were at the back of the garbage can and it was obvious he had opened the lid and gotten inside. Now, it was war. This little critter was not going to get the best of me. I'm a much determined being just like him. And I'm a lot smarter. So, that night I put two large bricks on the can right in the front where he would have to lift it. IT WORKED. So far he has not been able to lift the lid.
Ok, so you would think that I had gotten the best of him. Nope. A few mornings later. I looked out the back door at the hummingbird feeder lying on the deck broken. What? What would or could have done that? We've had that feeder up for nine years and never have I seen this. Well, not knowing what happened, Lenora put more sugar water in it and we hung it up again. The next morning there it was on the deck with sugar water everywhere. This time it was broken beyond repair. So, we went to the store and bought a heavier one. The next morning there it was on the deck, but at least not broken. We were not to be deterred. We tried it one more night. Same thing. We now new we were facing our nemesis, the infamous raccoon. So, we moved the feeder in the middle of the outside beam of the pergola, so the raccoon could not climb the post to get to it. Did well for a couple of nights. Then one morning there it was on the table with sugar water all over everything. I was getting angry. So, I moved the feeder right in the center of the pergola over the table. In order for the devilish little thing to get to it, it would have to climb upside down around the edge of the pergola, go to the center upside down, then hang upside down with one leg and lift that silly thing up and take it off with a hook and then drop it. That's exactly what it did. Ok, we give. You just can't beat nature. I'm crying uncle.
Lenora Googled to see if she could find a solution. She did. It was amazing how many people have the same problem with their hummingbird feeder. The only thing that works is:>>>>>>>>>TAKE IT DOWN AT NIGHT, BRING IT IN, AND PUT IT OUT IN THE MORNING BEFORE DAWN!! Can you believe that? I am undone. So, now the little devil cannot lift the lid on the garbage can and there is no hummingbird feeder any more. I'm just waiting to see what is next that he does to drive me crazy. Stay tuned.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
The Real Me
As I have grown older and experienced life more fully I have found that the real me is my spirit. It is the only part of me truly connected to God. It is the real world in which I live. Several years ago I was driving home from a Faces of Christ retreat I had attended and was reflecting on the final session. In that session we were told we were returning to the "real world." As I reflected I came to the conclusion that while I understand the intent of the statement, I disagreed. What we experienced at the retreat was in fact the "real world." We're just blind and don't see it that way.
When one finally gets it that we are spirit and it is our spirit to which God's Spirit communicates, and it is our spirit that will live forever, and it is our spirit that is connected to God, and that God is eternal, we begin to understand that our spirit is really the only thing alive in us and the only thing that really matters.
In Thomas Merton's book, No Man Is An Island he nails it. This is what he says:
"I consider that the spiritual life is the life of man's real self, the life of that interior self whose flame is so often allowed to be smothered under the ashes of anxiety and futile concern. The spiritual life is oriented toward God, rather than toward the immediate satisfaction of the material needs of life, but it is not, for all that, a life of unreality or a life of dreams. On the contrary, without a life of the spirit, our whole existence becomes unsubstantial and illusory. The life of the spirit, by integrating us in the real order established by God, puts us in the fullest possible contact with reality--not as we imagine it, but as it really is. It does so by making us aware of our own real selves, and placing them in the presence of God."
When one finally gets it that we are spirit and it is our spirit to which God's Spirit communicates, and it is our spirit that will live forever, and it is our spirit that is connected to God, and that God is eternal, we begin to understand that our spirit is really the only thing alive in us and the only thing that really matters.
In Thomas Merton's book, No Man Is An Island he nails it. This is what he says:
"I consider that the spiritual life is the life of man's real self, the life of that interior self whose flame is so often allowed to be smothered under the ashes of anxiety and futile concern. The spiritual life is oriented toward God, rather than toward the immediate satisfaction of the material needs of life, but it is not, for all that, a life of unreality or a life of dreams. On the contrary, without a life of the spirit, our whole existence becomes unsubstantial and illusory. The life of the spirit, by integrating us in the real order established by God, puts us in the fullest possible contact with reality--not as we imagine it, but as it really is. It does so by making us aware of our own real selves, and placing them in the presence of God."
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
The Freedom Writers
I watched a movie tonight entitled "The Freeom Writers." It is about a high school freshman class in Los Angeles made up of hoodlums and gang members from various enthnic backgrounds, and a new, raw, young teacher who was completely new to teaching. It is about how she saw in them the good and the potential and met them where they were. Was it naive, maybe. Was it unbelievable, maybe. Was it true, yes. I wept through most of it. There were many reasons. I hurt for the kids. Their eyes pierced my heart. I wanted to do the same thing. I want to help kids. I saw someone who believed in these kids and would not give up on them and wouldn't take no for an answer. It was so emotional for me. This speaks to me and helps me realize I am at a stage in my life where I can now do this. I don't want to take no for an answer from people who say I cannot. There must be a way. I want to find it. Why would the plight of these kids touch me so, if there wasn't something on the inside of me that is passionate about this? It doesn't make sense to me. There has to be a way.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Sadie
Yesterday, we put our precious little dog to sleep. She has been part of our family for sixteen years and I loved her so much. I never thought I would love a pet like I did her. As a child growing up I never had any pets and just thought all the hullabaloo over them was just silly. But did I ever change my mind. Sixteen years ago I brought her home to Lenora. She ran into the house and jumped on Lenora's lap and started licking her on her face. She did her little Sadie dance on her hind legs and immediately moved into our lives and hearts as our little baby girl. She was one year old when we got her, so she was seventeen when she went to sleep, a long and full life. Sadie was part Shitzu and Pekingese and had personality, plus. To be so little she had a strong will and seemed to figure out a way to get what she wanted. While at times it was irritating, it was also endearing. We've laughed at her and watched her, doted on her and gave her pretty much everything she wanted. I remember when she was young how I would cuddle her in my arms on her back and rub her belly for about 45 minutes. She didn't move. I was the only one she would let do that to her. Lenora talked to her all the time and Sadie would just look at her with those big brown eyes and I know she was thinking "blah, blah, blah Sadie food, blah, blah, blah." She loved her Kevin. One time when Kevin came home she litterally jumped into his arms and started kissing him. But it wasn't the little, special moments that meant so much to me. It was the daily devotion and her being just so darn sweet and cute that was so speical. The love she gave us was immeasurable and the place she had in our heart was huge. I will miss her so much and am so sad. But it was the right thing to do. She had dementia, Cushing's disease and not many teeth left. She slept almost all the time and was losing weight so quickly. How could you allow that to go on? To preserve her dignity and not let her suffer, it was the right thing to do. But, the hole in my heart is huge and I still get a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes when I think of her. Goodnight Sadie girl. I will always love you.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Fan or Follower, Again
I was pretty down last night thinking about what is or may be facing my siblings and I. Primarily I was thinking about my Mom. When I awoke this morning, I started thinking again. They were not pleasant thoughts. For the most part they were dreary and burden laden. But then, I remembered how God has been absolutely ripping my heart out through Kyle's sermons on Fan or Follower. Last Sunday I broke down and wept during his sermon when he told about Elijah burning all his belongings (and they were many, since he was a wealthy man) in front of all his family, employees and the towns people. And also how Elijah slaughtered his cattle and offered all of them up to God in sacrifice. Kyle asked us the question, "Do you know what Elijah was telling all around him by doing this?" He was saying demonstrating, "I'm not coming back." It was then that I broke down and wept. My heart was broken in praise and adoration of God. I said to God, "I'm not coming back." So, this morning as I lie in bed, I asked myself the question, "Am I a fan or follower of Christ?" The answer is "I'm a follower!" And this big smile came on my face, literally. I realized that all of life as a follower of Christ is about letting go. And this is the equivalent of dying to myself as Christ instructs me to do. So, I lie in bed smiling and knowing that God is in control and will take care of all of my concerns. There was an incredible peace that came over me. Praise God.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
How I Feel Right Now
It is 12:15 a.m. I have been reading a fictional novel entitled "The Piano Teacher" just for fun. I read a lot and I do love a good novel/story. I can't read non-fiction all the time and sometimes just want something fun to read. I've enjoyed my time tonight. I went to The Post and met my best friend and sat together. We worshipped, sang, praised and listened to a good sermon by the leader. When I got home it was nice just being with my wife and spending some quiet time together. She has to work tomorrow so she went to bed at her regular time of 10:00 p.m. But I wasn't ready yet so I came into the library to read, sip a good bourbon and smoke a cigar. A few luxuries I enjoy occassionally. I love where I am in life right now and hope it can stay that way. I have the time and the flexibility to do varied things and be involved in several things. There really isn't anything real important I want to say, just that I'm happy with where I am in life. God has really worked me over the past couple of years and it has been painful, exhausting and frustrating. But the result has been good. If people would just hang in there and go with it, God always brings events and situations to a good ending for us. Of course, by world's standards it might not be good. But in my relationship with God and becoming the man He wants me to be, it is always good. For that I am very, very grateful.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Derby Time in Louisville
Yesterday was Derby Day in Louisville, Kentucky. You really can't explain what it is like unless you are here. For two weeks this town rocks like no other time during the year. We use to have seats at the Oaks, which is a race the day before the Derby, but this year we said we are over it and gave them up. It's ok because we had such a great time. Our son and his friend plus my sister and brother-in-law were here. We selected our horses and watched the race on the television. Of course when the crowd sang My Old Kentucky Home, we all stood up and put our hands on our hearts and sang along. This is the second National Anthem you know. At the end my wife shed a tear. Then we watched Calvin Borel just eat up the track and win on a 50-1 long shot. How exciting. He just hollered and shouted and laughed. The funny thing was that my wife loves Calvin Borel and said to put $2 on him. But when she heard the odds, she said she wasn't going to lose $2 on Calvin. And then we watched him just punch all the lights out. She is sick that she lost a $100 for not following her heart. Oh, well hopefully, she learned a lesson.
After we watched the Derby, we had a great dinner of grilled chicken and all the trimmings, plus a family recipe's pecan pie. We also celebrated my sister's birthday and it was fun. Then we sat outside and talked and laughed. It was really chilly so we put our sweaters on. It was just a great day and we had so much fun. I love having fun.
After we watched the Derby, we had a great dinner of grilled chicken and all the trimmings, plus a family recipe's pecan pie. We also celebrated my sister's birthday and it was fun. Then we sat outside and talked and laughed. It was really chilly so we put our sweaters on. It was just a great day and we had so much fun. I love having fun.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Buck Stops Here
I wish President Obama would not get into the role of stating consistently that he "inherited" the financial mess we are in. Yes, he does say that he is now responsible to fix the mess. But the bottom line is not who started it, or fostered it, it is whom, when, and how it will be fixed. That is what I want to know. It will take time. To blame a predecessor is immature and I have no respect for it. It is now his job, regardless of who caused it. It comes with the job, with the territory and he wanted it. So, now fix it and move on. Don't blame anyone else. We are intelligent people. Don't treat us like children. What's past is past. Be mature. Be wise. Be a leader. Be a man and fix it. That is what we will remember. How he handles himself through this will make the difference of whether he will be trusted or not. Don't screw it up.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
I Stand Amazed
Last week I received a call from a gentleman and was told that a dear friend of mine suggested he call me. The gentleman is starting up a web site business and wanted to talk to me about potentially assisting him with writing. So, yesterday morning we met and discussed his vision and expectations. The more we talked, the more excited I became. When we finished, I was driving to a luncheon appointment and started thinking about how God had worked and was amazed and in awe. I just talked to God and let Him know how thankful I am and how amazed I am at His work.
Two years ago, as of March 28th, I left my company due to my position being eliminated. At that time I was confused, angry, and at the same time excited and filled with anticipation of a new life. Emotions were intense and extremely broad and conflicting. But it seemed that no matter what I did, nothing seemed to work out the way I wanted. I could see possibilities and it all looked good and for the most part, my motive and heart were in a good place. But somehow for each new opportunity and positive direction, one by one they failed, were delayed, didn't pan out, whatever. The longer this went on, the more anxious I became. My relationship with my wife began to be strained. Things that we had not faced before came to the surface, and things we had faced just got magnified. We argued and were silent. We prayed and cried and then became angry again and frustrated. It was a very emotional time and one filled with fear and frustration and hope and anticipation.
This occurred off and on for two years. There was always this underlying angst in our lives. We weren't stuck, because we could see that something was going on. We just didn't know what it was. And more importantly, we didn't know where it was headed. At the same time, my mother-in-law was ill and this consumed my wife's emotions, thoughts and time. Each of us, my wife and I, had issues inside of us and between us that really had to be dealt with.
During this time, I began to see direction formulating and taking root. I began to realize that I wanted to write. I wanted to tell God's story and use my life as a framework to do so. Where did that come from? My son and my best friend affirmed me and actually gave me the genesis by suggestion. I began to realize that I did not want to work in a company any more. That was scary, because it is all I had known and with all the benefits and regular pay check was, I guess, as secure as it could be. We had set money aside to start a business and that business, in the format we were doing it, turned out to be something we hated. And the money we set aside to live on and start our business was going to run out as of a certain date. I had no other prospect for any income. But all along the way, little by little, sometimes very, very vague and veiled, I would see God working in our lives. One of the amazing things is that it was in ways we just did not see coming and through events and issues we didn't have any idea would have such an impact. Needless to say it was a roller coaster life for two years.
There is so much more, but that is another "book." And now the amazing part of this chapter. I thought that the only hope I had was to start the business up again, but this time do it very different and with a completely different paradigm. That still is what I am working to do. But then one day I received an email from a friend I really hadn't talked to for some time. He said he was working with an organization as an advisor/strategist to diversify and become more profitable. They wanted to go into the health care industry and he said he believed I could help them and they could help me. Where did that come from? I had spent 28 years in the health insurance industry and that would be great for them to draw on. Out of the blue this came, from someone I had not really talked to for quite some time! I did not see this coming at all. So, after some business and very personal conversations with the owner and my friend, we are now on a path of me assisting them, having an office to go to and get out of my home office, potentially making enough money on a part time basis to cover my personal expenses and have fun doing it.
My personal business "restart" is still out there, but not as much in the forefront as each day passes. It is getting further and further less important, at least for the immediate. Besides there are start-up costs involved and the longer I can delay the more cost effective it is. And now back to the beginning of this writing. Out of the blue comes this telephone call from the gentleman who wants my assistance to write for his new business. What? Again, where did this come from? So, what I have now is a retaining of my services for the new health care market company, writing for this new web site company to encourage people with biblical inspirational thoughts and paragraphs, and the "restarting" of my business. And all three of them providing an income immediate and long term. Two of them completely out of the blue, no thought at all as to doing them on my part and from areas I did not even knew existed. God, you are amazing.
What I have begun to realize so strongly, is that God was much more interested over the past two years in changing me, and my wife. He was much more interested in my character, breaking strongholds I had that kept me in bondage, getting me to trust Him, which is one of the most difficult things for me to do in my life (trusting any one that is), and Him freeing me to be the man He wants me to be. That was His goal over the past two years. And along the way, He used me, my struggles, victories, etc. to help others as I shared my life with them. God, you are amazing!
But let me tell you how vulnerable we can be. This morning I realized I had this nagging thought in the back of my mind that just wouldn't go away and it was troubling. I began questioning. Can I really do this writing in the way that is necessary and the format required? Can I really do this? And also, do I want to do this? It doesn't coincide with my "designed" plans and the way I had laid out. I began to talk to God about it and realized two things were going on here. 1) My own insecurities. Satan was taking advantage of my insecurities and using them against me, robbing me of my joy and taking my mind off of God. Of course I can do this. So, I asked God to get that devil away from me and give me the strength to face my weakness and drive it and take it to Satan. I am not afraid with God's leading the way. 2) My control. This is not the way I planned. This is not the format I had in mind. I wanted to write short stories and books, not paragraphs and thoughts for the day. Oh God, forgive me. You laid this in my lap. You, obviously, want me to take this direction. But my "lack of control" for the way I wanted is getting in the way. I trust you. You are in control. Step back Robert and get out of the way, and just go with it.
You are amazing God. And I stand amazed.
Two years ago, as of March 28th, I left my company due to my position being eliminated. At that time I was confused, angry, and at the same time excited and filled with anticipation of a new life. Emotions were intense and extremely broad and conflicting. But it seemed that no matter what I did, nothing seemed to work out the way I wanted. I could see possibilities and it all looked good and for the most part, my motive and heart were in a good place. But somehow for each new opportunity and positive direction, one by one they failed, were delayed, didn't pan out, whatever. The longer this went on, the more anxious I became. My relationship with my wife began to be strained. Things that we had not faced before came to the surface, and things we had faced just got magnified. We argued and were silent. We prayed and cried and then became angry again and frustrated. It was a very emotional time and one filled with fear and frustration and hope and anticipation.
This occurred off and on for two years. There was always this underlying angst in our lives. We weren't stuck, because we could see that something was going on. We just didn't know what it was. And more importantly, we didn't know where it was headed. At the same time, my mother-in-law was ill and this consumed my wife's emotions, thoughts and time. Each of us, my wife and I, had issues inside of us and between us that really had to be dealt with.
During this time, I began to see direction formulating and taking root. I began to realize that I wanted to write. I wanted to tell God's story and use my life as a framework to do so. Where did that come from? My son and my best friend affirmed me and actually gave me the genesis by suggestion. I began to realize that I did not want to work in a company any more. That was scary, because it is all I had known and with all the benefits and regular pay check was, I guess, as secure as it could be. We had set money aside to start a business and that business, in the format we were doing it, turned out to be something we hated. And the money we set aside to live on and start our business was going to run out as of a certain date. I had no other prospect for any income. But all along the way, little by little, sometimes very, very vague and veiled, I would see God working in our lives. One of the amazing things is that it was in ways we just did not see coming and through events and issues we didn't have any idea would have such an impact. Needless to say it was a roller coaster life for two years.
There is so much more, but that is another "book." And now the amazing part of this chapter. I thought that the only hope I had was to start the business up again, but this time do it very different and with a completely different paradigm. That still is what I am working to do. But then one day I received an email from a friend I really hadn't talked to for some time. He said he was working with an organization as an advisor/strategist to diversify and become more profitable. They wanted to go into the health care industry and he said he believed I could help them and they could help me. Where did that come from? I had spent 28 years in the health insurance industry and that would be great for them to draw on. Out of the blue this came, from someone I had not really talked to for quite some time! I did not see this coming at all. So, after some business and very personal conversations with the owner and my friend, we are now on a path of me assisting them, having an office to go to and get out of my home office, potentially making enough money on a part time basis to cover my personal expenses and have fun doing it.
My personal business "restart" is still out there, but not as much in the forefront as each day passes. It is getting further and further less important, at least for the immediate. Besides there are start-up costs involved and the longer I can delay the more cost effective it is. And now back to the beginning of this writing. Out of the blue comes this telephone call from the gentleman who wants my assistance to write for his new business. What? Again, where did this come from? So, what I have now is a retaining of my services for the new health care market company, writing for this new web site company to encourage people with biblical inspirational thoughts and paragraphs, and the "restarting" of my business. And all three of them providing an income immediate and long term. Two of them completely out of the blue, no thought at all as to doing them on my part and from areas I did not even knew existed. God, you are amazing.
What I have begun to realize so strongly, is that God was much more interested over the past two years in changing me, and my wife. He was much more interested in my character, breaking strongholds I had that kept me in bondage, getting me to trust Him, which is one of the most difficult things for me to do in my life (trusting any one that is), and Him freeing me to be the man He wants me to be. That was His goal over the past two years. And along the way, He used me, my struggles, victories, etc. to help others as I shared my life with them. God, you are amazing!
But let me tell you how vulnerable we can be. This morning I realized I had this nagging thought in the back of my mind that just wouldn't go away and it was troubling. I began questioning. Can I really do this writing in the way that is necessary and the format required? Can I really do this? And also, do I want to do this? It doesn't coincide with my "designed" plans and the way I had laid out. I began to talk to God about it and realized two things were going on here. 1) My own insecurities. Satan was taking advantage of my insecurities and using them against me, robbing me of my joy and taking my mind off of God. Of course I can do this. So, I asked God to get that devil away from me and give me the strength to face my weakness and drive it and take it to Satan. I am not afraid with God's leading the way. 2) My control. This is not the way I planned. This is not the format I had in mind. I wanted to write short stories and books, not paragraphs and thoughts for the day. Oh God, forgive me. You laid this in my lap. You, obviously, want me to take this direction. But my "lack of control" for the way I wanted is getting in the way. I trust you. You are in control. Step back Robert and get out of the way, and just go with it.
You are amazing God. And I stand amazed.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Doing Something Just for God
Your Word in the book of Haggai impressed upon me the necessity of doing things, something just for You Father. And how I am always caught, controlled and used by the dimension of “time.” Of course I know nothing else, and in this world it is the great limiting force. But I want to think and live more in the eternal perspective, Your perspective. Hard? Almost impossible, but it can be done. By seeing and accepting life from Your perspective, Your ways, Your character, it lifts me above the dimension of time into the eternal where I really live with You.
Your Spirit guides me into and through this life, opening my mind to Your ways. This is so very hard, but I believe it is key to a full, unselfish, pleasing-You life. The reality is I don’t really have to figure it all out. I just have to choose to trust You completely, have pure faith in You and Choose to live Your way and it will occur. Each day, each moment of my life, over time, I will be lifted up and changed. But it is a moment by moment decision-making process. Strength will only come and build as I live my life day by day, week by week, month by month, year by year. A life-long process built on moment by moment choices. You’ve made it clear how hard it can be, but also how to do it, how You will give me all I need, and how You will help me. Sometimes that means seasons of difficulty and pain.
The specific event in Haggai was the rebuilding of the Temple after 70 years of exile. But we can also use it as a metaphor for our lives. We need to think in terms of anything we are doing or need to do in our lives. Things that will please You Father. Things we work on in life emotionally, physically, socially, familially and spiritually. And then apply Your Word. You say to the people of Israel through Haggai:
“They say this isn’t the right time to rebuild my temple.”
“Time” the great dictator, the great thief of joy and progress and growth, the one thing man can never create enough of. The way we judge Your responses to us Father. The way we structure all our lives. The sand that slips through our fingers never to be recovered. The event we wait for and build life systems around. The dimension in which we live and is the antithesis of Yours. It can break us or be for us. You go on to tell the Israelites:
“Do it just for me. Honor me. You’ve had great ambitions for yourselves, but nothing has come of it.”
Oh, Father! Have I ever done anything just for You? Not do it with thoughts of how I fit in or how I will be impacted? Just do it in pure trust and faith, because You said to, which makes it the right thing, with no fear? It is always about me! Somehow, some way I will be in there some place! And then You talk about how You got the Israelites attention:
“Because you’ve run around, caught up with taking care of your own houses, my Home is in ruins. That’s why. Because of your stinginess. And so I’ve given you a dry summer and a skimpy crop. I’ve matched your tight-fisted stinginess by decreeing a season of drought, drying up field and hills, withering gardens and orchards, stunting vegetables and fruit. Nothing—not man or woman, not animal or crop—is going to thrive.”
That should have gotten their attention and get mine. How many dry seasons in my life will it take to get through to me that You love me and will never do anything that will ultimately harm me? The last phrase tells me I will “thrive” by choosing Your way and living in Your dimension, regardless of what my human mind tells me. On this earth, in this world, in my community and society, life, my life ,will thrive the way You want it to, not the way I want, plan or others think it should. And I will have peace and joy and be fulfilled in Your dimension, the eternal. The end of Haggai says:
“I am about to shake up everything, to turn everything upside down and start over from top to bottom—overthrow governments, destroy foreign powers, dismantle the world of weapons and armaments, throw armies into confusion, so that they end up killing one another.”
What unbelievable comfort I receive, knowing You Father are in complete control of every major issue on earth. You alone are in control.
But while the major issues of the world are being addressed, that is not where I live. I live in the minor issues of one insignificant man. And the minor, insignificant issues of the world are major issues in my life. Those issues, my issues, You care about deeply and greatly. I am comforted in that in all the chaos and upheaval and tenuousness of this world, I can be steadfast and confident of who I am and how much You love me. And that love is all I need. You are there at my choosing to let go of life on earth, with all its minute choices each moment, and reach out and choose Your way and connect to You through and by the power of Your Spirit.
Every person who is Your child can live with the knowledge that:
“I will take you…as my personal servant and I will set you as a signet ring, the sign of my sovereign presence and authority. I’ve looked over the field and chosen you for this work.”
You Father, creator and ruler of the universe choose me for Your work. You prepare me through seasons of life, and I must trust You completely in pure faith, and live with an eternal perspective, without time applied to the daily, moment by moment events of my life.
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